Conscience off, dick on: True Blood's back, bitches

True Blood has returned to us! Pick up right where it left off last year, and find out what happened to Vampire Bill, how Jason's penis is doing, and who is dream sexing! NSFW screengrabs.

Welcome back True Blood, it's been way too long since I've watched a werepuppy and a stick-in-the-mud vampire wag their half-open mouths suggestively at each other. But no more will I go weeks without gratuitous male ass shots and over-the-boob angles. Last night was the season premiere of the 3rd season of True Blood and the return of Alan Ball's sweet, sweet one hour mind fuck. We missed you big fella!

The first episode for season 3 was a slow burn. It seemed like the majority of the time was spent getting the rest of the world up to speed on what happened last season. Fair enough. There were a lot of annoying appearances by Tara's Bible-straddling, weepy-eyed mother. Plus they dragged the Queen's horrible carcass back into frame with Eric one more time, just to remind you how terrible she truly is. But there were also fistfulls of Jason-isms, Lafayette one-liners and nakedness. So really it was win for both newcomers and trubie alumni. While the audience didn't learn a lot about what was going to happen this year, I think we're all on the same page now as to who will be fucking what and who and so forth in the future. You know, the important stuff. And with that said, let's get to the Pros and Cons episode recap.

Pro: Show starts right where they left off last year. Bill has been vamp-napped and Sookie is still wearing the french twist up-do she tragically decided to sport last year. Granted, that's her style. Don't get me wrong, I like Anna Paquin, but Sookie is intolerable. Fingers crossed this year she will act like a human being.

Conscience off, dick on: True Blood's back, bitches

Pro: Sam is still on his on his pilgrimage to find his long, lost family. And just in case he forgets where he's going, Sam taped the old note with the city written on it to his dashboard, for subtlety's sake. The best part is it's not even directions - just the name of the town and state.

Conscience off, dick on: True Blood's back, bitches

Pro: Jason is freaking out over shooting Eggs in the head. Which means the True Blood tradition of shitting on Jason's poor little brain will probably continue. Excellent.

Pro: Also remember when Eggs died everyone? Good times. No great times. Hugs all around. I am still glowing over this. Tah-tah smile crying boy with the tiny neck and laugh-inducing abs. Go sex punch someone else in the face. There wasn't a good enough picture of Eggs being all dead, so here's one from last year. Hooray!

Conscience off, dick on: True Blood's back, bitches

Pro: Jessica finds the flowers Hoyt left for her, oh of course he did. We love you Hoyt. We also love that seconds after Jessica squeezes her special flowers from her special man, she turns around and drags a half dead body through her front door. Oopsie. Vampires!

Conscience off, dick on: True Blood's back, bitches

Pro: Look Vampire Bill is alive! Turns out he was kidnapped by what seems to be a group of burly bikers, driving a BMW. Maybe they're doctors on the weekdays and on weekends they form the "Fuck You Crew," like Wild Hogs. Then they make fun of Bill for eating at a "frog" restaurant. Cause if there's one things these thugs hate more than vampire Bill, it's French Food!

Pro: TITLES! Dance motherfuckers.

Pro: Everyone thinks Sookie's "I need a minute to think" crap answer to Vampire Bill's very nice proposal is such bullshit. It was. You are a terrible person Sookie.

Pro: Andy is freaking out, because he didn't kill Eggs. It's ok killing Eggs was a good thing no matter who pulled the tirgger. Also, Andy is seemingly sober, not sure how I feel about that. I do however feel great about seeing Terry again. "We should tell each other we love each other more often. From now on let's tell each other that more." We love you too Terry.

Con: We're only 6 minutes into the new season and already Tara is vying to get re-crowned the worst smile-crying angry nightmare of a human being in Bon Temps. Gaah Tara, I don't know if it's because you're written this way, but already I'm just exhausted with your shtick. "Trash is as trash does." Forrest Gump lines, really?

Pro: Thankfully Arlene saves the day with this little zinger, "I'm sorry you fell in love with a serial killer alright? But honestly who here hasn't?" And then ruins her moment of triumph by dropping this terrible gem, "I hate when 'they' make everything about race." Ah Arlene always one step forward and two steps back.

Pro: Lafayette steals tequila, of course he does.

Conscience off, dick on: True Blood's back, bitches

Pro: Wacthing Jessica try to fix her little situation is like watching a kid try to heal a baby bird they knocked out of a tree with a rock. It was sad, and honest, and we all know it's only going to get much, much worse. Well, we hope.

Pro: "Shit fuck shit fuck shit fuck." Man we've been there Jessica. The best part of witnessing Jessica unravel is you never really take the fact that she's schlepping around a giant corpse seriously. It's sweet baby Jessica, she didn't mean it. In fact you actually start relating to her. Oh man remember that time you stole all that booze from the liquor cabinet, drank it, then threw up in your school backpack and had to hide it in the closet so your mom wouldn't find it? That's exactly like this, except with a dead body.

That is how good of an actress Deborah Ann Woll is.

Pro: Jessica's everything's fine face.

Conscience off, dick on: True Blood's back, bitches

Moving on, there's no time for Jessica because Sookie is still looking for Bill, let's go to Fangtasia!

Pro: Pam's first outfit of the season.

Conscience off, dick on: True Blood's back, bitches

Con: Sookie there is ALWAYS time for more of Pam's lesbian weirdness, shut your mouth.

Con: Sookie not getting the "Eric indisposed at the moment" phrase from Pam. This means he's having sex with something. It's like this is your first time at Fangtasia. Sheesh.

Pro: You know who HAS been to Fangtasia and knows how to appropriately dress for the latex sexin'? Artie from Glee! Here he is, note this isn't from last night's episode but the first season of True Blood, but we didn't know who he was then. Memories!

Conscience off, dick on: True Blood's back, bitches

Pro: Turns out Vampire Bill is not there, but you know who is? Vampire Eric and his big vampire penis, or something. Sorry what else did they want us to think with this ridiculous sex lair scenario. Plus, um can you imagine when he turned around, goodness True Blood.

Conscience off, dick on: True Blood's back, bitches

Pro: So yada yada Vampire Eric has vampire sex with his vampire penis for over 6 hours! That's a lot for vampires right? I dunno I have nothing to compare it too. I do know that is sounds a lot better than having gross UTI causing dirt sex with Vampire Bill. Plus one for Vampire Eric in season 4.

Pro: And finally the over-the-boob ass shot. Well done everyone.

Conscience off, dick on: True Blood's back, bitches

Now back to BILL!

Con: The kidnappers make SLURPING noises while drinking on Bill. Seriously.

Pro: The biker kidnappers are super addicted to V-juice which means the leader of the gang can make his minions do "gay stuff" for more v-juice and his enjoyment, oh boy these guys are going to be a lot of fun already I can tell.

Conscience off, dick on: True Blood's back, bitches

Pro: Andy and Jason, reunited and it feels so good. Also this moment gave birth to the "conscience off, dick on" line. Classic True Blood. Carve that shit on my headstone.

Conscience off, dick on: True Blood's back, bitches

Pro: Anyone else surprised when Sookie came in to her house, saw Tara crying and didn't immediately go ME ME ME ME ME ME BILL BILL BILL BILL, *inhaling noise* ME ME ME ME ME ME BILL BILL BILL. Good for you Sookie, this is character growth.

Con: Tara's stages of grief go from awful, terrible, annoying to even more terrible than we ever thought imaginable.

Meanwhile, back at Fangtasia.

Con: Vampire Eric is wearing his sexy karate kid komono and hands free cell phone ear piece. Because when you're humping a young Fangtasia dancer in your sex lair for 6 hours you need both hands, AMIRITE??? Eep gesh boy. Should have used Skype.

Pro: But no time for dated vampire accessories, Bill's "calling" Sam, in his pants. Let's not forget last episode Sam drank a lot of Vampire Bill's blood. And you guys know what that means, sexy dreams for Sam about Bill. Thank you so much True Blood for not even attempting to wait and show this puppy boy on old vampire man sex scene later on in the season. This is why we watch you.

Con: I don't think either of them were into it.

Pro: Hoyt.

Conscience off, dick on: True Blood's back, bitches

Pro: First ever real Jason-ism. "If you really want to fuck somebodies life up, tell the truth about them."

Pro: Followed promptly by the first real Lafayette-ism, "bitch you me bridge ain't gon' never motherfuckin happen." Wonderful show.

Con: Sam meets some guy named Tommy who is a mechanic. But not the Tommy he's looking for, who is also a mechanic, and works at that garage, says "other Tommy." So clearly this is not the same Tommy as the Tommy that works there. No way. Definitely not.

Conscience off, dick on: True Blood's back, bitches

Con: The Queen. "Remember me? I'm the worst and sometimes a lesbian. But I don't believe in labels, or time. Yes, I am truly awful." The vampire Queen of Louisiana is back and talking in her bestest "adult" voice, prancing around like a 13-year-old acting out The Glass Menagerie. While I admit, I'm still pretty pissed at Evan Rachel Wood for all but ruining this character last year with her wooden delivery and "lookame I'm acting" personality on camera, this scene was no help. She's beyond intolerable. In fact when she was "acting like she was acting" that she was abhorred at the mere thought of v-juice selling, when we know she's really the vampire backer, it was like having broken glass ground into my skin. To think what this character could have been, it's depressing.

Conscience off, dick on: True Blood's back, bitches

Pro: But on the funny "That's so Raven/True Blood" side I love that the Queen, and the Magistrate, introduce the next plot line of ridiculous politically charged hidden meanings. Vampire blood is only for procreation, not pleasure. But wait - weren't vampire rights being compared to gay rights, and therefore the vampires "coming out of the coffin" were, in a sense a metaphor for gay Americans? And then last season we threw in the church's stance against vampire/gay rights. But now vampire blood being used for anything but procreation is sacrilege? Does that make v-juice drinkers like the vampire-napping bikers the new gay metaphor? And the head vampire Magistrate guy the new "evil conservative church"? Honestly, none of it matters because mixed metaphors are to True Blood what explosions and sepia tones are to Michael Bay. And it's kind of funny to listen to it.

Con: This is the second time Jason has called Hoyt Bubba this episode. Does this mean no Bubba?

Pro: "Correct I am a Lab." Jason knows what kind of dog he is.

Con: "Hell hath no fury like a vampire queen broke." Again, just terrible.

Conscience off, dick on: True Blood's back, bitches

Pro: Sooke gets paid. And Pam has an orgasm "call" from Eric, and a great new outfit.

Pro: Lafayette calls Pam a hooker. Pam bends him over and puts him in his place, "You pickin up what I'm puttin' down?" I love you both. And I gotta say its just tremendous having more Pam this season. Seriously you're a wonderful, wonderful ex-hooker, lesbian vampire.

Con: Tara's mom and this Bible shit, haven't we been down this road before? Enough.

Pro: Jason's penis apocalypse. Ladies, consider this a favor - everything Jason puts his dick inside is ruined forever. So Jason not being able to have sex because he keeps seeing bullet holes in everyone's heads, is a good thing for these two girls. Also yikes bullet hole heads. Now that Jason's secret weapon has been taken away from him, how will he cope? And thus another True Blood plot wraps itself around Jason's manhood.

Con: Sookie and Jessica find Bill's car. Ah shit there goes my whole theory about the BMW biker gang, of course the BMW car is Bill's what was I thinking??? Ugh disaster, oh well it was fun while it lasted.

Pro: Tara downs a bottle of pills, dare we dream?

Con: Important body identification marks, there's an app for that. HA HA HA HA HA HA I'm just kidding, she was on a Blackberry, or something. Clearly way less idiotic.

Conscience off, dick on: True Blood's back, bitches

Pro: More puppies! You must admit, real wolves are much cooler than CG wolves. Bring on the vampire wolf fight.

Until next week.