100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers

More often than not, the covers of old-school horror comics were more baffling than scary. Titles like Tales from the Crypt and House of Mystery promised chills but delivered befuddlement. Here are 100+ of the most inexplicable (with captions). [Via Comic Covers]

First caption — self-explanatory.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Is this the Chamber of Death or the Honeymoon of Horror? OR IS IT BOTH???

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Editor 1: What's scarier, a giant scorpion or a talking scorpion?
Editor 2: A giant, TALKING scorpion, duh.
Editor 1: You're a genius, Marv.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


That is some uncreative copy-editing.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Dude, how did you get her in the room in the first place? You met her at some Eyes Wide Shut party, didntcha?

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Incidentally, the currency of our entire solar system is the Danish krone.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Generic Kid Adventures No. 18: "The Case of the Old Man"

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Frankly, I'd buy this for "The Language-Master from Space."

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


"AND IT FEELS FUCKING AWESOME."

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


So if those guys are Earthmen, does that mean Nixon's the alien?

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


This is again the case of the sidebar comics outstripping the cover. I so want to read "PLANET NOBODY WANTED."

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


I'd be pissed at the aliens for trying to devalue the luxury goods market.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Self-explanatory.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Stephen King's original draft for Misery had some strange plot twists

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


I like how no one's bothering to elaborate on John's fate. For all we know, it could be his fate to have a salad for lunch.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


After that fateful Christmas, Daddy Warbucks sent Annie back to the orphanage.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Sorry horror writers — zombie matador has already been done.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Damn, that dinosaur's drunk.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


In his early years, Alex Trebek was really an insensitive prick.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Self-explanatory.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


I'm sorry, Tim Boo Baa. You showed up to Earth wearing bike shorts. You can't expect people to take you seriously.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


This woman failed 6th grade health class.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Self-explanatory.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Frankly, I'm more interested in "The Puppets of Pierre Garou."

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


In the 1950s, "miracle" was a colloquialism for "shark." That's why they named that movie Jaws.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Once you're out of the closet, YOU CAN NEVER GO BACK IN.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Self-explanatory.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Another alien abduction abetted by a drunk Hollywood director. WHEN WILL THE MADNESS CEASE.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Boy Scout Motto: Always sleep with a gun in your hand.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Sadly, people don't turn into pearls when you put them in giant oysters.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


HEY EDITOR THANKS FOR SPOILERS.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Self-explanatory.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


It was a good day for Quentin and his vow of cowardice.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


A: THERE'S A GODDAMN MONSTER IN IT.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Slowly but surely, Quentin's pioneering cowardice came into vogue and was assumed by even the most valiant of men.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


It was really considerate of the publisher to remind you twice that you are reading a comic about the Molten Man-Thing and not, oh, the Bible.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Dude, is that your seeing-eye pick axe?

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Even in a crisis, it's really fun to say "Sporr."

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Hey man, you never heard of Gor-Kill before today either. Stop pretending like you were ahead of the curve.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


"Baby, I just came out here to read you bad poetry and show you my dildo collection. But intimacy? OH NO, THIS ISN'T WHAT I BARGAINED FOR!"

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


"THIS IS KLAGG! HE'S HERE TO FUCK!"

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


You know I always thought we were living in post-Oog era already, but what do I know.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


This is why you never, ever ask throwaway questions.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Self-explanatory (well, not really).

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


We're leaving the fate of our planet to a guy who wears a porkpie hat with a sports coat? We're boned.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


This issue of Tales of Suspense is brought to you by the letter H.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Man, they really ran out of things to tack the suffix "Of Death" onto.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Self-explanatory.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


The Cryptkeeper had a senior moment this morning and forgot his dentures.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Thanks, grammar. I now have no idea what the fuck is going on here.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Worst bachelor party ever.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


The Plague of Death is 75% gumdrops.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


AND HE WAS A PERFECT GENTLEMAN.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Redundancy Man runs away from yet another confrontation.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


A comic about Droom the Dead Lizard wouldn't be very exciting.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


I like how this city has a strong oral tradition of Titanto-themed jokes.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Who warned you? That guy sleeping in the liquor store parking lot? I'm sorry, but your incredulity was heretofore perfectly acceptable.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Man, that Blip has really fallen off the radar.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Man, X and Droom need new publicists.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


AND HE'S HIGH AS BALLS!

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


She sees the gloves just fine. She's just ashamed of her husband's stupid phobias.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


They went to college with the monster. They're just triskaidekaphobics.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Apache Chief is PISSED.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Even Rod Serling can't believe this shit.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


A giant screaming face certainly qualifies as a curio.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Self-explanatory.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


IT'S NOT CALLED A "NAPYARD," YOU FOOLS.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Self-explanatory.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


MMF4A — Casual Encounters.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


I'm sorry, "cranky old coot hates noise" is barely a Twilight Zone plot.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Laser Baboon is relentless.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Dude, I wouldn't talk either if I was being hunted by giant sperm.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


I think SyFy has their next Saturday movie monster right here.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


What I love here is that everyone is pissed at him for ruining the movie.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


"DUDE YOU CAN HAVE HER! WE'RE NOT EVEN THE SAME SPECIES!"

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Rod Serling approves of this one.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


This guy is upset about the cards, but not the fact that he's playing poker with a vampire?

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Guy, she loves you for your personality. She's not a two-face fetishist whatsoever. No sir.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


A: "A PARTY GUY."

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


That is way too much exposition for an impending demise.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


It's a common problem.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Racism.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


"Ha ha, it was my idea to store a block of ice in a 68 degree room!"

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Self-explanatory.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


He died alone with a low self-esteem. The end.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Zombie double take!

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


The Little Rascals and the case of the undiagnosed neighborhood syphilitic.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Buddy, you really have no internal monologue, do you?

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Well, that's ham-fisted metaphor.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Man, people really stick to the "no eye contact" credo on some buses.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Operas in North Korea throw a nuclear bomb in the culture gap.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Take away the speech bubble and you have the most boring Tales from the Crypt ever.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Gepetto tried PCP. Give him a break.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Haunted Scrabble? How deliciously absurd!

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


I'm more impressed that that mountain's made out of cotton candy.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Self-explanatory.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


VIRGINITY.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Vincent Price had some weird hobbies.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Self-explanatory

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


"The time is now rat poison past gun o'clock."

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Self-explanatory.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


"I've actually had this tattoo for weeks. You guys were too self-centered to notice."

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


"I call this, 'The Look of Love.' "

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Off-panel, there's an audience full of confused children.

100+ extremely confusing vintage horror comic covers


Phew! And that's self-explanatory.