True Blood just vampire texted to say it loves you, motherfuckerS

Curious about vampire texting habits? Of course you are. Watch Franklin speed text, Tara get smacked down by an actual wolf, sticky vampire burn face, and how to talk Cheetah all in one ridiculously over-stuffed episode of True Blood.

Wow, so that was a whole lot of nothing dotted by highlights of adorable Franklin Mott banter, culminating in about 10 minutes of pure, uncut, take it straight up the nose and into your brain insanity. Which is exactly how I like it.

This episode may have seemed like a mere a setup for the return of Sookie's magical light. But in reality, it was Franklin who carried this week's fun all on his narrow little shoulders. Meanwhile Tara got tackled by a werewolf, which was fantastically rewarding. And a bunch of other junk happened. But let me give it to you Pro Con style.

Pro: Talbot is clearly the stepmother to Franklin's fatheresque relationship with the King of Mississippi. It's a perfect blend of hatred, disrespect and catty undermining quibbles. I like this dynamic.

Pro: The King, Bill and Lorena's "ha-ha-ha-we-just-had-so-much-fun-entrance." They reminded me of the extras in sitcoms standing in the background pretending to shop, or pretending to be in a deep conversation. It was really unintentionally funny. And I give it a pro because this is how I'm going to enter fabulous vampire mansions from now on. Laughing like a lunatic with dinner smeared all over my face, probably mashed potatoes.

True Blood just vampire texted to say it loves you, motherfuckerS

Pro: Everyone's response to seeing Tara in their living room...

True Blood just vampire texted to say it loves you, motherfuckerS

True Blood just vampire texted to say it loves you, motherfucker

True Blood just vampire texted to say it loves you, motherfuckerS

Ugh.

Pro: Granted, Bill was a bit more ridiculous than just "ugh Tara." He had this whole "acting within the acting" moment. Which happened like this: Everyone says they don't want Tara, naturally, Bill meows "Certainly not I," accompanied with an eye roll, sideways glance and fart face smirk. Anyone else immediately start thinking about Jon Lovitz's SNL sketch Master Thespian? Why that's AAAAACTING! I'm sure that was the point but Jesus vampire Christ I must have rewound that moment 10,000 times, until even the cat was like, yeah I get it, it's bad funny, let go.

Pro: What Bill does win for is telling Tara no. Everyone should tell Tara no. All. The. Time.

Pro: To the greedy old ladies from the church group in Biloxi who wouldn't give Franklin a turn on the slot machines: It's little throwaway sentences like this that make me love this show. "Have we jammed enough crazy crap into this episode yet? No, ok let's have the King make a totally ridiculous, unnecessary remark about how William Shakespeare used to steal his spoons. Because he's really old. Because he's a vampire. And vampires live for really long. Get it? Everybody? Great." This type of writing might be dirt but I still love to roll around in it.** Which pretty much sums up my undying commitment to this show.

True Blood just vampire texted to say it loves you, motherfuckerS

Pro: The way the Franklin describes his relationship with Tara as eeeeelectric. James Frain is really going to pull off this character isn't he? Amazing. Tara doesn't deserve him.

Pro: Lorena's face after Bill calls her a "tiresome cow." Ouch, what a phenomenal insult.

True Blood just vampire texted to say it loves you, motherfuckerS

Con: Sookie and Alcide are on the road driving really fast from other werewolves? Alcide's internal werewolf struggle? But how did they get out of the werewolf bar? Why didn't we see that? Now we're on the road and it's just more talking about werefeelings. I call bullshit.

Pro: Talbot and Eric's love connection. Eric is no fool. I like where this is going, manipulate away, Viking. Plus when Eric flatters people it makes me blush, and I'm not even a gay male vampire. But it still works.

Pro: Happy to see past-its-prime-boy-band-security is still getting a paycheck.

True Blood just vampire texted to say it loves you, motherfuckerS

Pro: Bill is way too square to sell V. Agree.

Pro: Eric's faroff face when he finds out that Sookie is no longer Bill's. What is that wistful blue-eyed vampire thinking about? I bet it's sex. Sex and memory smelling. But this pro is second to Eric's "eat shit" face to Bill when he's invited to spend the night in the mansion.

True Blood just vampire texted to say it loves you, motherfuckerS

Pro: Debbie Pelt is pretty great. I don't know how she makes her voice sound like that but it's spot freakin' on. She's got the look, sound, attitude, hair, quality lines ["Oh heeeeeell no! You're fuckin' my wolf bitch!"] and I think she's wearing a cut up tank top paired with Coot's rolled up boxers. Well done all around everyone.

True Blood just vampire texted to say it loves you, motherfuckerS

Pro: Franklin is just getting better and better. This whole hey look look at me, scene with Tara and the texting is just about the most creepy endearing thing we've seen in forever. Again, Tara doesn't deserve him.

Pro: "Red mulch seems kind of wild." - Kenny

Con: As much as I miss having quality Jason time, the montage of him being bored at the office is insufferable. A show that has vampires having through-the-pants sex while ripping each other's heads off, crying blood, biting each other, and screaming does not need a 4-minute montage of Jason's office antics.

True Blood just vampire texted to say it loves you, motherfuckerS

Con: Same goes for the Mickens. Make us care or up the ante. This game between Tommy and his father of "who can pass the shit harder," is just terrible. I know it's supposed to be some metaphor for their relationship or something but all it really reveals is that the Mickens are boring as hell. I'm a big girl, I can go a full episode without Sam or his family and still know who they are a week from now.

True Blood just vampire texted to say it loves you, motherfuckerS

Pro: Thank goodness Terry shows up and saves the day by being on cloud 9 about moving in with Arlene. I feel like we used to have more Terry; I miss Terry time.

True Blood just vampire texted to say it loves you, motherfuckerS

Con: Nails and supernatural werewolf politics talk.

True Blood just vampire texted to say it loves you, motherfuckerS

Pro: Finally back to the crazy. Here is a picture of Tara running barefoot through the front yard of the vampire King's mansion, while wearing an old timey wedding dress, and getting tackled by a werewolf. That's more like it.

True Blood just vampire texted to say it loves you, motherfuckerS

Pro: Jesus and Lafayette sitting in a tree. It's about time our boy got some quality nurse action.

Con: After Sookie reveals that the packmaster [ha!] is a pussy, and he tells Alcide to "obey" [ha again], Alcide turns to her and says, "I know, I trust you." So why did we have to go down this path anyways? Forget it Jake: it's True Blood werewolf politics town.

Pro: Getting Jason back to what Jason does best, taking off his shirt.

True Blood just vampire texted to say it loves you, motherfuckerS

Pro: Tommy saying Hoyt "looks like he got bombed by radiation on his way to middle school. That's a giant sixth grade boy right there." Spot on.

Con: Tommy needs to stop meddling with Jessica and Hoyt, they belong together. We can wait for these two to get back together, but not forever.

Pro: Franklin's tantrum because Tara tried to run away was delightful and so was Tara's response. This is the first pro Tara has gotten in a while. Good manipulation; well played. But there's still a very real part of me that wants this to go forever. What if Tara became Franklin's psycho bride? I might like her then.

True Blood just vampire texted to say it loves you, motherfuckerS

Con: Bill is the worst liar in the entire vampire kingdom.

Pro: Cooter's "Suck that dick," line followed by Bill's retort: a face punch and a stinging "WHERE'S SUUUUUUUUUKIE!" Yay he's back.

Pro: Gooey vampire gore. I'm still happy this show isn't afraid to play with blood, puss and melty skin.

True Blood just vampire texted to say it loves you, motherfucker

Con: While Jason pulling over Crystal with no shirt on was very cute, who is this chick? Why does she deserve the Romeo and Juliet Disney sex by the pond? They have an entire conversation about nothing ("there is no forever for us, only now, now is everything." blah blah why should we care). Jason has developed "real" feelings for two other girls in the past, and both seemed to be grounded in some type of reasoning. But this new girl, I had to look her name up. Her appeal is too shrouded in mystery and chattering about said mystery. Which makes the actual mystery no longer interesting.

True Blood just vampire texted to say it loves you, motherfuckerS

Pro: Dear HBO, where can I purchase this painting?

True Blood just vampire texted to say it loves you, motherfuckerS

Pro: Anyone catch what Tommy and Sam were watching and talking about before Stumbles McDrunky came in and yelled at Tommy? Yes they were watching some sort of nature channel and Sam was telling Tommy that the cheetah was making a "call." So Sam speaks Cheetah. Amazing.

True Blood just vampire texted to say it loves you, motherfuckerS

Con: The entire Dad and Tommy scene. I get it he uses Tommy for dog fights and stealing or something like that, but I don't care. He didn't need to come in yellin' and screaming and basically RUIN all the other things I could have learned about cheetah talk.

Pro: Talbot gave Tara flowers to eat - I love that vampire man. In response Franklin tells Tara he'll take her someplace special, to Shoney's. Tara is less than thrilled, typical. Franklin I'll go to Shoney's with you, and together we can we cry blood, make out, and nibble on the Shoney's Pile ‘O' Shrimp. Well I will, I mean he's a vampire, he can't eat Shoney's Pile ‘O' Shrimp. But we can share the moment together. We are in real, serious love, people.

True Blood just vampire texted to say it loves you, motherfuckerS

Pro: There is maybe 10 minutes left on this episode and somehow they've managed to squeeze in one epic historical vampire flashback. Of course the King has Eric's Dad's Viking crown on display, and of course that particular crown is on display over the "hundreds" that they have, of course Eric's dad died right after he and his son fought, and of course it was the Vampire King and his army of werewolves who did the killing. We're just throwing this Viking storyline on the True Blood pyre of plot lines from this season, aren't we?

True Blood just vampire texted to say it loves you, motherfuckerS

Pro: Sookie's light fingers power is back in a big way.

True Blood just vampire texted to say it loves you, motherfuckerS

Con: Sookie's punchline to her light fingers power is: "Maybe not?" Epic light finger fail lady.

So yes, the episode ended with a light finger bang, but boy did it drag on from time to time. Here's hoping this was all just a big setup to get Sookie in the King's house so she can light finger her way into a vampire massacre. Things will probably get - oh wait, this is going down a completely different path than I expected. Scratch that. You people have filthy minds. Until next week.

** 10 points if you know what vampire quote that's from.