Blood poured from the skies in Sunday night's episode of True Blood. And we also got to learn what kind of dirty talk turns vampires on. No surprise here - it's graphic blood whispering. Watch!What did we learn? That Denis O'Hare is a gosh darn delight. His take on the King of Mississippi is award winning. Seriously.
Side note: I'm beat as hell from Comic Con, so if this True Blood recap starts to detour down into the black abyss of insanity that I'm living in right now, apologies. I will be back in better form next week. But enough about me - let's talk about Debbie Pelt's v-juice bloodgasm, self stroking, and rub downs.


Pro: A slo-mo glide into the mansion. TENSION!!!!!

Pro: Talbot's response to the King's big "Bill's a liar," reveal: "Noooo." Nice Mean Girls moment Talbolt. But of course this is immediately eclipsed when he and Sookie shriek exactly the same way, though naturall for different reasons. I imagine that banister was from the Queen-of-such-and-such-a-thing-that-is-expensive-he's-a-gay-vampire-he-likes-antiques-get-it?

True Blood teaches us how to talk dirty vampire styleS

Con: Bill stakes a tight-shirted bouncer and he turns into Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark goo way too fast! More splattering and gurgling!
True Blood teaches us how to talk dirty vampire styleS

Pro: Bill attacks the king with a the deadly "little kid on the his father's shoulders in Disney World" move. Also, the fact that we now have a screengrab of Bill riding on the King's shoulders. I think I'm going to use this picture to try to explain this show to my parents.
True Blood teaches us how to talk dirty vampire style

Pro: The King's pshaw face when Bill jumps on his shoulders.
True Blood teaches us how to talk dirty vampire styleS

Pro: Talbot's face at the utter destruction of his mansion.
True Blood teaches us how to talk dirty vampire styleS

Pro: "Oh it thinks we're equals!" - Eric is evil.
Pro: The bodyguards' names are Marco and Claus. Bwah-ha-ha-ha. Cue the dance music boyz.

Con: Lorena's rib-cage-as-at-hat remark to Sookie is about as threatening as Bill throwing the lamp at her. And sadly not as awesome. You want to wear my what as a what? That would just look silly.

Pro: If she actually did it.

True Blood teaches us how to talk dirty vampire styleS

[Wrap Around Curl via thecortexiphansession]
Pro: Eric wraps his mitts around Sookie's pie-hole. Where was this action in the beginning of the season?
True Blood teaches us how to talk dirty vampire styleS

Pro: Where do you think you are lady "Red Lobster"?

Pro: I usually hate Arlene's rants but this one with the cross fingers and "this is why people hate y'all" was pretty funny. And kind of spot on. I'd freak out too.
True Blood teaches us how to talk dirty vampire styleS
Con: Now we're carried back to the Jason and this chick scene. It's so romantic because of the singing chorus music and the blue lighting, right? I mean we should care about these two because the show is clearly telling us to, right? And, Crystal makes Jason feel like a virgin. Wait, how? Why are we supposed to be emotionally involved with this character at all? Why does Jason even like her? Con: Sookie listing off all the things Eric said to her. And when she says it, it does sounds like a list of completely ridiculous things Eric would never say. So that part was kind of hilarious. BUT Is that low voice supposed to be Eric? Is Sookie going to be impersonating everyone now? Can't wait til she does her "Terry." True Blood teaches us how to talk dirty vampire styleS
Pro: The King strolls in saying, "A husband's work is never done," while fastening his belt. Apparently Talbot can be soothed with his mighty King wang. Hilarious. True Blood teaches us how to talk dirty vampire styleS
Pro: Eric's fake smile to the King. Bill and Eric should go on the road with this act. MASTER THESPIAN! AAAAACTING. I'm not saying the actors are bad, but the characters are dreadful fakers. True Blood teaches us how to talk dirty vampire styleS
Pro: So is Jessica is 100% off the Tru Blood drinks? If so, excellent. True Blood teaches us how to talk dirty vampire styleS
Pro: "Are you the King of all vampires? Do you have a crown?" This whole back and forth is just delightful. Pro: Lorena is bananas. She puts on old timey music to torture Bill, then chest fingers his open wound while crying and saying she'll be inside him until the end. Lorena, this never goes over well with the boys, trust me. True Blood teaches us how to talk dirty vampire style
Pro: I like this new devious Tara. But I damn near coughed up my dinner listening to Tara and Mott dirty murder talking each other. Words really don't explain this - watch the vid up top! Pro: Franklin's jammies. Pro: Eric is playing both sides of the fence with the King and Talbot. But this little exchange between the too when Eric is pressing Talbot about being valued by the King makes me think that it's not just Eric fucking with everyone. Perhaps Talbot is wiser than he appears. I hope so, or maybe he just wants him to spend an hour trading naked eskimo kisses with Eric, like the rest of us. True Blood teaches us how to talk dirty vampire styleS
Pro: You never take me anywhere! Followed by a classic Talbot storm off in another language. Boys are so mean! Pro: Jesus is pretty much a living and breathing how-to book on how to act on a date. He's kind, funny, patient, persistent and sexy. Plus his reaction to Lafayette being a drug dealer was surprisingly responsible. Pro: Jesus slams the broken car door and glass goes flying. Con: Ugh the insufferable Queen is back talking the way that she talks and acting the way that she acts. Look at me I'm Vampiricy. Good God Eric just rip her head off already. True Blood teaches us how to talk dirty vampire styleS
Pro: That being said, Denis O'Hare makes her surprisingly tolerable. True Blood teaches us how to talk dirty vampire styleS
Con: Why does vampire kind have to obey both their own form of archaic vampire law and modern law? And he's clearly in a marriage with Talbot, so is this a political system where the King can have multiple wives? WHAT ARE THE RULES TRUE BLOOD??? Oh wait I don't care. Con: Stop that. True Blood teaches us how to talk dirty vampire styleS
Con: How is Lorena not having sex with Bill right now? I know it's a weird question, but it just seems like something True Blood would do right here with all the blood tears and the fuckedupness. Pro: Even when Bill is a tied up bloody mess on the floor he still has time to try and wet blanket someone to death with a really long lecture. Classic vampire Bill. True Blood teaches us how to talk dirty vampire styleS
Pro: Debbie's new outfit, and the rub down she and Cooter have outside. So v-juice is Ecstasy right? True Blood teaches us how to talk dirty vampire styleS
Con: More vampire politics that are there purely to plug viral junk. This was on waaaay too long.
Con: True Blood trying to convince us that Tommy and Joe Lee were doing anything other than dog fighting. I think they came up with 1,000 words to elude to Joe Lee prostituting, raping, molesting this family. "The Circuit" "The Ring" "Use Me" "Use You" "It Ain't Right." We're not stupid True Blood. We know that it's dog fighting.
True Blood teaches us how to talk dirty vampire styleS
Con: Franklin is dead? No way. Franklin is not dead right? Right? Please guys he can't have gone out this way. No I refuse to believe it. They'll bring him back. RIGHT? True Blood teaches us how to talk dirty vampire styleS
Pro: Predicting that Franklin will show up with a messed up face from Tara's beat down, I know vampires heal fast, but what if he only healed part of the way before he took off after her? Could be good. Con: I'm missing the link to Crystal and the High School footballer. I mean I'm sure Jason taking it on him or something, but I just can't muster the courage to care: Franklin is dead.
Con: Sookie is not dead. She's never dead. True Blood teaches us how to talk dirty vampire style
Pro: This was a very good episode.