Oh, we had us a fine time tweeting our way through the Jim Carrey comic-and-cartoon inspired misfire, The Mask. In case you missed it, and Cameron Diaz's stunning movie debut, here's the cream of the crop.
@io9commentary okay, you beautiful sunsabitches...here we go.
@io9commentary holy crap...there are divers in the bottom of this aquarium-looking set! and they've opened the fake treasure chest!
@io9commentary So, Jim Carrey plays a loveable, repressed schlub. And Richard Jeni is his italian hipster buddy. And Jeni's toupee wins.
@io9commentary time out. Cameron Diaz. holy crap. Okay, her entrance it totally cliche-wet from the rain, slinky red dress-but she works it.
@io9commentary seriously, Cameron looks radiantly young. before she lost the 10 pounds hollywood makes you lose if you're an actress.
@io9commentary uh oh....Cameron's a bad girl. working for Zed and the Wire dude. Who are clearly bad guys. With ping-pong playing thugs.
@crosis101 CRAP, CAMERON'S A CYLON!
@io9commentary oh, 1994...when Italian cliches could still be your villains.
@io9commentary You know how, in Beverly Hills Cop, they just relied on Eddie Murphy to make shitty scenes funny? It's not working here.
@io9commentary this does kind of set itself up as a superhero movie. Big loser, finds power-thingie, discovers powers, tries to get laid...
@crosis101 The Mask betrays both @Darkhorsecomics and Tex Avery. Good job, movie.
@io9commentary "Hey, I know what I should do....put a moldy piece of driftwood I found in the river up against my face!"
@io9commentary As the Mask, Carrey looks like he's late for rehearsal with The Time. Morris Day's gonna be pissed.
@KickBoy You think people would feel dirty winning Ben Stein's money, knowing some of it came from this movie.
@io9commentary oh, my stars and garters, It's a hair-metal urban rape squad.
@io9commentary this sort of early 90s, comedian-on-the-loose stuff (also seen in Aladdin) aged about as well as Carrot Top's pituitary.
@io9commentary "Most men think monogamy is a kind of wood." Okay, that's not bad. Plus, she said "wood."
@io9commentary let's all remember one fact: This movie made $120 million in 1994 dollars. It was a cultural monster. We let that happen.
@io9commentary not to knock Cameron Diaz, because she's all that and a bag of chips here, but it's not hard to shine bright in this flick.
@io9commentary "Somebody stop me!" "Smmmmoooookiiiinn!" Those were the "double rainbow all the way!" of 1994.
@crosis101 to my shame I still say "perhaps you know my friends Franklin, Grant and Jackson?"
@io9commentary no one looks twice at a green dude in a yellow suit? I mean, really....
@io9commentary AGAIN, THIS IS A FUCKING GREEN SKULL IN A YELLOW HATE-CRIME OF A SUIT. AND PEOPLE ARE OKAY WITH THAT.
@io9commentary AND SHE KISSES THE SKULL! AND IT KNOCKS HER SHOES OFF. What the hell, man?
@io9commentary he's holding the gun sideways. Kill shot!
@crosis101 SIDEWAYS GUN!!!!!! THIS SHIZ JUST GOT SERIOUS!
@crosis101 You mean I can't discharge firearms in my own club? Spelling America with a K are we?
@crosis101 Jim Carrey...the first rule of the mask is you do not talk about the mask.
@io9commentary Apparently, Edge City only has one club, and it's called Coco Bongo, and Jeni has multicolored tickets to everything that happens there
@io9commentary Ben Stein lays the story pipe. The mask used to belong to Loki. Maybe. Because, why not? And suddenly, it doesn't work.
@crosis101 Night God? Loki's a Night God? Does no one read Thor comics in this city?
@io9commentary I want onion rings. Someone make that happen.
@io9commentary wanting onion rings is no less arbitrary and random than most of this movie.
@io9commentary "Kiss me, my dear, and I will reveal my croissant. I will spread your pate."
@crosis101 mmm yes back in the Nineties when forcing yourself on a woman was still funny.
@io9commentary it's....CUBAN PETE TIME!
@crosis101 Yeah, Cuban Pete! Brought to you by Desi Arnez and Lucile Ball The only only people in Hollywood that would Produce Star Trek
@io9commentary It would almost be worth having a band just to cover "Cuban Pete." Almost.
@io9commentary Deus Ex Yasbeck!
@io9commentary okay, that was a pretty nice reversal, Yasbeck being evil. Nice play, The Mask. You've been due for some smarts.
@crosis101 wow, backstab! That's right, Stanley, go for looks!
@KickBoy Never trust a ginger. Especially if she is a journalist.
@io9commentary so, this movie hinges upon the hero's dog getting him out of jail. yeah, um, okay....
@io9commentary I mean, sure, the dog's got giant balls, but shouldn't the HERO be the one who's all heroic?
@KickBoy that's why I don't have a pet. I don't need a dog stealing my thunder and saving the day when I mess it up.
@crosis101 Dangerous Explosives.... as opposed to the safe kind.
@crosis101 this is like Burton's Batman...except...you know crappy...
@io9commentary Milo the dog is smarter than every other character in this movie.
@io9commentary I kind of love how when he's wearing the mask, Dorian is played — in Snooki's words — by a "gorilla juicehead."
@io9commentary okay, I actually chuckled at Carrey beating the snot out of Dorian and going all screamy-ape. The Mask: 1, Marc: -105.
@io9commentary okay, well, that was that. It's very much a time-capsule movie. Of its time, and it doesn't translate. At all.
@io9commentary But it's worth watching for archival purposes, I guess. And to see Cameron Diaz just GLOW. But don't look for entertainment.
@crosis101 moral of the story? Girls on the rebound are easy.