Why it's a bad idea to "turn your backside" on a naked vampire in True Blood

We learned many valuable lessons from this week's True Blood, such as how dating a vampire never allows for enough time to make a shitty scrapbook, how to tan cry, and the ABCs of vampire hate-sexin'. Enjoy the NSFWness.

Pro: Sookie is still screaming, because Bill is at the foot of her bed hospital trying to steal her light or eat her or something. I'm not really sure what it is at this point — either way, it's loud.

Pro: The screams cause Alcide to make this startled puppy face.

Why it's a bad idea to "turn your backside" on a naked vampire in True Blood

Con: While that was really cute, he should have done the sleepwalking puppy move instead.

AW. We love you Bizkit. Which brings up the question, do you think Alcide makes fake running gestures while he sleeps?

Pro: Yet another pro scooby snack is getting tossed to Alcide for making snarling noises when he woke up and ran to Sookie's side. Also reminding us all of how tiny Bill is.

Pro: After all of the screaming Sookie decides to break up with Bill. Good decision. The end, right? WRONG. It's never over on this show. Come on now! You guys know better than that!

Con: Vampire Bill's very sad "breaking up is hard to do" moment with Sookie is eclipsed by his slow transformation into the world's saddest mime.

Why it's a bad idea to "turn your backside" on a naked vampire in True Blood

Meanwhile back in the gay antiques dealer King of Mississippi's mansion...

Pro: The Queen of Louisiana is moving in, screaming about birds and how small everything is. You know, normal Vampire Queen stick. But Talbot is Not. Having. It. It was kind of funny listening to a REAL vampire Queen move into the home of two other Vampire Queens...AMIRITE? But seriously folks, why is Hadley still with the Queen? Didn't she almost let her die at the breast-cupping hands of Viking Vampire Eric?

Why it's a bad idea to "turn your backside" on a naked vampire in True Blood

Con: Talbot lists off all the annoying things he's had to do this week, and he's right. These vampires and werewolves have made a mess of everything. But is he really mad that Sookie stacked Lorena? I'm calling bullshit on this. He was very much "boys only" every time her crazy head rolled around.

Con: After the King and Talbot's tiff, Russell grabs Talbot's little vampire face and says, "At least you're safe. That's what matters most to me." And my living room erupts Luke-I'm-Your-Father style, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO." True Blood is very good at a number of things. For instance, it's great at making me slightly uncomfortable. Mostly during the sex scenes. But never "leave the room uncomfortable." It's surprising the awkward vampire sex moments I've shared with family and friends coated in three shades of shame. But it's never so awful I'd have to change the channel, well done. That being said, True Blood is not so great at subtle foreshadowing. The moment Russell said this, with blonde Eric standing in the back, we all knew Talbot was dead.

Why it's a bad idea to "turn your backside" on a naked vampire in True Blood

Pro: There's a were-bitch in your study. Isn't there always?

Pro: Debbie is back! I love this character so much I think she should come with a Cosmo Kramer style laugh track entrance. Hey everybody it's Debbie! And naturally she gets to deliver this gem: "They killed my Cooter."

Pro: "She's a cunt. But she's a special cunt." They should write that on Sookie's headstone. Special Kind of Cunt.

Con:Debbie leaves and Eric and the King get to have a moment in which Eric tells the King "Because I have been searching for you for a 1,000 years. *INTENSE MUSIC WHAT IS HE GOING TO SAY THE TENSION IS SO HIGH....* To be a leader!" Wah wah.

Pro: Russell's "You're stroking my *ahem* ego" face.

Why it's a bad idea to "turn your backside" on a naked vampire in True Blood

Con: Eric then gives the King, the give me a chance and I'll show you how DEEP my loyalty runs. That's a sex pun right? Did I miss it? I don't know, the adorable Eric the puppy dog begging for table scraps look is throwing me off.

Why it's a bad idea to "turn your backside" on a naked vampire in True Blood

Pro: No time to find out, Terry is singing to Arlene's belly baby. Forcing me to add one more item to the list of "Things That Slightly Insane TV/Movie Characters Do That I Will Later Use To Judge My Future Hypothetical Spouse." Also on this list is "crash an important business meeting I'm in only to tell me that I shouldn't move to said foreign country because they love me," and "propose in the rain, in an English country side, on a giraffe."

Pro: Rene is back! Even if it's just in my dreams, I mean Arlene's dream.

Why it's a bad idea to "turn your backside" on a naked vampire in True Blood

Pro: Jessica hugs Bill like a dad. Bill leans back on his giant stick up his rear.

Why it's a bad idea to "turn your backside" on a naked vampire in True Blood

Pro: Just for having Jessica back.

Pro: Bill finally realizing that he needs to take care of Jessica. Thank goodness his crap vampire parenting was really starting to grate on me. Jessica deserves better. Bill, you be better to her, ya big Vampire Jerk.

Pro: Alcide tells the shaken and discharged from the hopital Sookie that she's, "Tougher than a one-eared alley cat." Daaaaw grandpa line. Do people really still say stuff like that? I'm just going to believe that they do.

Con: Sookie says it's fine that Bill tried to kill her because it's in his "nature." Sooks, if someone's "nature" is to almost kill you, it doesn't make it any better.

Pro: Jason's protective "Andy stop looking at me like that she's going to find out thoughts." We're really using the Sookie can read minds thing and everyone knows it huh?

Pro: As much as I want Tara to die. I'm really glad she's not trying to kill herself anymore. This is a Tara I can tolerate.

Why it's a bad idea to "turn your backside" on a naked vampire in True Blood

Pro: Ruby has escaped from the old folks home and tell her son "La La" (an adorable nickname for Lafayette) that she's there to protect him from the vampires, witches and whatnot. Excuse me, witches? What ever could that mean, we have no idea...there's going to be a witch on this show.

Pro: Did Sam and Tommy have an all-night gab session where they binged on light beer and red hots? Looks like it.

Why it's a bad idea to "turn your backside" on a naked vampire in True Blood

Con: Naked Mrs. Mickens was not necessary.

Why it's a bad idea to "turn your backside" on a naked vampire in True Blood

Pro: It actually made sense that Tommy's mama would ask for more money, they're rotten people. Also another pro because this is exactly how much time that should have been spent on the Mickens. No more.

Con: Tara masturbating in the shower is yuck.

Pro: I do, however, find it interesting and sad that Tara now has to fantasize about the Mott because she drank his blood. As much as I like his character, he completely abused Tara. This is an interesting turn for the poor battered psyche of Tara. Granted, I don't expect it to be explored any deeper than Sookie's "cup of light" from last week. But it's the kind of "tortured soul" character complex that makes sense to pin onto Tara. It's different than the past season of "woe is me" Tara. Hopefully this will take her down a dark corner that she won't be able to solve with another man's penis, i.e. Sam, Jason, Eggs, etc...

Pro: Sookie then has the saddest tanning session in all of tanning-dom.

Why it's a bad idea to "turn your backside" on a naked vampire in True Blood

Con: Tara is giving Sookie a lecture about how she's a sad country song where she lets her boyfriend beat on her all from true love. Talk about double standards. Need we remind you of your punch-out sex sessions with scramby Eggs?

Pro: Jason is rooting through his old things and stumbles upon a memory box filled with the stuff he used to use to further ignorant stereotypes and kill vampires with. Good times. I miss the Fellowship of the Sun people.

Why it's a bad idea to "turn your backside" on a naked vampire in True Blood

Con: Crystal is back. Ugh.

Con: A new waitress, a new plot line, a new set of magical powers. Remember earlier when we said True Blood is crap at foreshadowing? Meet the new witch. Probably!

Why it's a bad idea to "turn your backside" on a naked vampire in True Blood

Pro: Jason is delivering a bunch of great one-liners this episode again. "They washed my brain" is up there.

Con: Jason is comforting Crystal and he doesn't know why he "feels this way" around her. We don't either.

Pro: Meanwhile back onto an entirely new plot, Jesus comes to pick up Ruby, her response is priceless. Plus, he calms her with the suggestion that they could all watch some television. Note to friends: this tactic also works on me when I'm drunk and irate and yelling about vampires. Hey, it happens.

Pro: Ruby calls the remote a CLICKER. Damn straight.

Pro: Last week I missed Eric's ears bleeding. You wonderful people kindly pointed out that this was due to a vampire staying up all night, he was getting the bleeds. It happened again this week, our little Viking Vampire is so sleepy.

Why it's a bad idea to "turn your backside" on a naked vampire in True Blood

Con: Sookie has time for cry tanning but no time to turn a hose on the side of her house? How long has this place been a festering pile of sex juice and dirt? Gross, guys. Clean that shit.

Why it's a bad idea to "turn your backside" on a naked vampire in True Blood

Pro: Every once in a while True Blood reminds us that it is really just a soap opera with vampires and werewolves and dirt sex. It felt like Sookie and Alcide linger "almost kissed" for 15 minutes. These are the werewolf days of our lives.

Why it's a bad idea to "turn your backside" on a naked vampire in True Blood

Con: Tommy is being so mean to Hoyt. Not cool, Tommy.

Con: Don't get me wrong, I like Tommy, but I just want to punch him whenever he makes his "Hey wanna fight smile." This is probably the point.

Why it's a bad idea to "turn your backside" on a naked vampire in True Blood

Pro: Bill and Jessica made up, and now talk like teenagers. Bless you two for the "No Way." "Way." Back and forth. And good for Bill finally being a better vampire daddy.

Pro: This is the worst book of memories ever created. Of course it's Sookie's. How long have they even been together? What do you think she would fill it with, lovely little notes written from Bill??

"Suuuuhkie I humbly and respectfully ask for your forgiveness for biting you. If you require adhesive bandages I will send Jessicuuuuh to the local market at night fall. You looked so lovely in your jean skirt, mini-frock ensemble. So lovely that it made me forget that I am a horrible murderer and unholy creature of the night for 10 entirraah minutes. You are my miracle. xo Bill."

P.S. Eric is Evil.

Why it's a bad idea to "turn your backside" on a naked vampire in True Blood

Pro: Lafayette and Jesus make up, spiritually and physically.

Why it's a bad idea to "turn your backside" on a naked vampire in True Blood

Pro: Someone decided that True Blood hadn't hit it's boob quota for this episode, hence the close up on the topless chess pieces Talbot and Eric are playing with.

Why it's a bad idea to "turn your backside" on a naked vampire in True Blood

Pro: Talbolt tells Eric to take off his clothes, and he does immediately. Is this all you had to do to get Eric naked? WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME????? ERIC TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES NOW. Also why isn't there an animated gif thingie of Eric's little strip tease?

Con: Jason goes to Crystal's home and some naked fella is eating a deer. In any other show this would probably be shocking. Hey it's, True Blood town, this is just more crazy for the fire.

Why it's a bad idea to "turn your backside" on a naked vampire in True Blood

Con: True Blood fills the plot hole of how Debbie, who has super werewolf strength can fight Sookie. Because Sookie literally says that she has had vampire blood. Lots. Of. It. Yeeeeesh.

Pro: Debbie "BITCH PLEASE!"-ed Sookie! The actual fight between the two of them was a lot of fun, I liked watching Sooks kick a little were-butt.

Con: Hey Debbie, "Why So Serious?" *ducks* Sorry it had to be done.

Why it's a bad idea to "turn your backside" on a naked vampire in True Blood

Con: Debbie jumps out the second-story window...huh?

Con: And we're fighting and fighting, and then whoa! Male-on-male vampire sex. Whoa, whoa, you have to warn a girl before you cut to a scene that fast. It's intense and great, but that was just a crazy fast cut to something I was not prepared for.

Why it's a bad idea to "turn your backside" on a naked vampire in True Blood

Pro: The scene itself, from the facial expressions, the blood all the way down to Russell flying away was flawless.

Pro: Umm, Talbot made a face before Eric staked him. Did Eric kill Talbot while he was still ahem...hum...ha...well you know? Seems like a fair question.

Pro: Hoyt is crying and driving, but is lady is right there! Rolling around in werewolf blood. These two are the Romeo and Juliet of missed connections.

Why it's a bad idea to "turn your backside" on a naked vampire in True Blood



Pro:
Sookie and Bill get back together with a good old fashioned hate fuck. Ending with Sookie strangling Bill, just a couple of crazy kids in love!

Why it's a bad idea to "turn your backside" on a naked vampire in True Blood

Con: There was a lot strange trying very hard "symbolic moments" in this episodes Ruby threw a Buddha at Lafayette, Bill pulled his blood out of Sookie, the pages in her crappy scrapbook were all blank. Thoughts, I didn't care as much because I was fixed in on the ridiculousness that was Eric, literally stabbing Talbolt in the back, twice. Ugh I'm awful.

Why it's a bad idea to "turn your backside" on a naked vampire in True Blood