It's hard to believe that a movie with Uma Thurman, Sean Connery, and Ralph Fiennes could be this bad — but 1998's The Avengers crushed hopes at every turn. If you missed our tweetathon, here are the highlights.
@io9commentary okay, you beautiful sonsabitches, we ready to dig into the Uma-Ralph-Sean version of Avengers? Let's go.
@io9commentary this is, just maybe, the best cast to ever be in a shitty movie. Broadbent, Fiona Shaw, Izzard, Connery, Fiennes & Thurman.
@Tannerman Somewhere Patrick Macnee and Diana Rigg are laughing... and crying
@crosis101 and to think a year or so earlier Mimi Rogers was put in the black leather catsuit as an homage
@deth_lepus Steed and Peel have all the sexual tension of John Madden and Brett Favre...
@io9commentary yeah, no one notices the secret entry to the secret spy HQ in the middle of the road that goes under the Thames.
@io9commentary wow. I mean, I've seen lack of chemistry in leads, but it's as if the words in the script just out-and-out hate each other.
@crosis101 Awww Tea in the car... means they are more well bred than you Colonials.
@io9commentary even the single entendres are just sitting there, waiting to be Rodgered.
@thecjharries Story so far: terrible weather puns, incredibly wooden dialogue, and fake accents. Plus tea.
@io9commentary so much beauty on the screen, all put to such little purpose. This is like a really sumptuous British rap video.
@io9commentary "One should never fear being wet." Damn, Sir August, you're like a walking, talking knickers-remover.
@cecilseaskull that's right, Sean. one should never fear being wet. Except around you, right now. (gross)
@io9commentary WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT PLANTS!? WHAT THE HELL IS THIS MOVIE ABOUT?
@io9commentary What the hell is Voldemort doing in the TARDIS?
@deth_lepus you can tell how good a movie is by the quality of Connery's hair piece...
@io9commentary I'm not entirely sure how you can make a boring film that features Uma Thurman in a slinky catsuit. It's a conundrum.
@io9commentary so this is a world where customized weather is a commodity, and we're trying to figure out who's mucking with the weather?
@cecilseaskull what is happening! help me! this movie has plushies, too?
@io9commentary I have nothing to say about the giant bears. nothing at all. anything would pale in comparison to the sight. of Bear Bond.
@io9commentary sorry...how did this scene make it past a studio head? SERIOUSLY, THERE'S A CONFERENCE ROOM FULL OF FURRIES. AND AN OSCAR WINNER IS ONE OF THEM.
@noralambert These costumes have to be the most baffling decision in cinema history.
@vandeand I needed to be more high to watch this snuff scene with technicolor bears.
@io9commentary they must've been shipping in the cocaine and LSD by the friggin' metric shit-ton.
@cecilseaskull I don't think I will ever understand these bears. Also, if you are going to go with bears, why so ugly?
@io9commentary One supposes that the anonymity one seeks by wearing a bear costume would vanish once one bought a goddamn bear costume.
@io9commentary Eddie Izzard, god bless him, has a giant head. And looks really odd out of a dress.
@noralambert Well, to the film's credit, they did let Eddie wear his eyeliner.
@io9commentary Steed's eternal masturbatory dilemma: Do I fancy the Peel in a pink dress or the Peel in a bear costume?
@io9commentary do we know, exactly, what Bear Connery's Big Evil Scheme is? Other than to make weather do shit?
@k_trendacosta Yes. Step 1: Make weather do shit. Step 2: ??? Step 3: Profit
@crosis101 Step 1: Fuck with Weather...Step 2: Sell Umbrellas...Step 3:????? Step 4: Profit!!
@io9commentary This movie has all the wit, panache, and costumes of high-class europorn, with none of the plot development.
@io9commentary are The Bride and Voldemort looking for proof? Because it's ABUNDANTLY clear who the bad guy is? They even call him by name.
@io9commentary It looks like Bear Connery has taken Mrs. Peel to his Psychadelic Rape Van.
@io9commentary so, THAT's Bear Connery's plan: Step 1: make Weather do shit. Step 2: Mince about. Step 3: Rape Mrs. Peel Step 4: Win?
@cecilseaskull in many of these movies, the villain has a poncy bedroom. boys, do not have a poncy bedroom. it equals really bad guy.
@noralambert There's so much tea drinking going on in this movie that it's borderline racist.
@io9commentary One would think that Connery would know to steer clear of movies with invisible men in them. Twice bitten and all that.
@io9commentary Kind of ingenious, really. Just have a voice from off-screen fill in all the plot holes that the test audiences spotted.
@hypnotoad1971 hmmm. my power went out and came right back on. i'm taking that as a sign to give up on watching The Avengers
@deth_lepus somehow I thought Uma on Uma action would be hotter...
@io9commentary Good thing Steed has that locator watch. Otherwise, he wouldn't know to look for the hot-air balloon in the sky that Mother told him about.
@thecjharries I think Steed is the best spy ever. He has yet to do ANY work whatsoever. He just makes women do things.
@io9commentary THERE SHOULD NOT BE ANY KISSING IN THIS MOVIE.
@vandeand That was possibly the least sexy kiss since Maid in Manhattan.
@cecilseaskull you are correct sir. I had to close my eyes like an 8 year old.
@io9commentary these walking hamster balls are the best Her Majesty's Secret Service could come up with? No wonder they lost an empire.
@thecjharries Izzard's only line in this movie was probably the best written and performed so far.
@noralambert And with "oh fuck" Eddie Izzard won a place in my heart forever. Best bit of the whole goddamn thing.
@noralambert Admittedly I was 14 at the time and saying "oh fuck" was the sort of thing that impressed me.
@deth_lepus nothing like great British Scifi... sadly this is nothing like it...
@crosis101 and the moral of the story? Girls in Leather are easy
@io9commentary what a twee little movie. a lot of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Plus, a waste of Uma and Connery.
@ io9commentary I could, however, watch Uma walk away for 89 minutes and be okay with that.
@deth_lepus I went an hour and a half without porn for this??
@Tannerman I need to watch vintage '65 eps of "The Avengers" to get that bad-remake film taste out of my mouth! http://theavengers.tv/
@deth_lepus don't blame me... I voted for Ghostbusters 2...