True Blood: where wages are paid in dirty vampire basement sexS

Everyone is talking about last night's big reveal. So what happened? Well the supernatural fairy was let out of the werekitty bag. We now all know what Sookie is (besides awful).

Let's be honest. Nothing was going to top last week's conclusion. Nothing. But this week tried with werekitties, V-trips, and lots of good Pam one-liners. But besides the great postmortem, this episode really felt like it was just trying to get us to the end. We're all still holding our breath for the big fight between the King of Mississippi and everyone else. But one thing was revealed, Sookie is a fairy. Yeah, I'm not necessarily excited about it either. But why don't we let the Pros and Cons be the REAL judge.

Pro: Sookie having the same reaction to her big "what is Sookie" reveal. How fucking lame, indeed.

Con: So since we all CLEARLY know that being a fairy is lame, does that mean we can drop the fact that she's a fairy? The answer: No.

Con: Another name for the fairy kind is "alien." Sadly, I'm guessing the rest of the cast will insist on calling fairies by their proper name "the Fae," for the rest of the season.

Con: They do.

Pro: Bill's wonderful explanation about fairy sex. "The Fae were known for breeding with humans, sometimes against their will. " To which Sookie immediately responds, "My people are rapists?" What a wonderful mental image. See previous top Sookie quote about lameness.

Con: Do not google "fairy rape" or "rape fairy." There is a whole world of disturbing images, and fanfic that I'm not even going to begin to get into. Here is one of those pictures. I now suspect I'm on some sort of watch site on the internet. Damn you, True Blood.

True Blood: where wages are paid in dirty vampire basement sexS

[via Techwomb. Do not go there. Seriously. Do. Not. Go. There.]

Con: Bill and Sookie are talking about that horrible pond of metaphors in the FernGully porno world.

Pro: The Fae were killed off by vampires. I assume this is because the vampires were tired of their insufferable light pond, tutu-wearing, pool parties and vacuous metaphor speech. Good riddance, I say.

Pro: Meanwhie, back at Merlotte's: Jason starts having a panic attack over killing Franklin (which happened last episode thanks to his handy wooden bullets). His mind begins to "flashback" the images of murdered vamps and Egg people. And dear old Jason starts to unravel.

True Blood: where wages are paid in dirty vampire basement sexS

It was small and hammy, but I really loved it. This is a proper response for this character. After all, he spent half of this season imagining bullet holes (coupled with terrible gun shot KER-POW noises) in random characters' skulls. Then that entire plot line quietly dropped off the face of the vampire Earth to make way for tedious office work montages. So yes, this is a good thing. I much prefer befuddled, guilt-ridden Jason to annoying "I wanna be a cop" Jason. I may have hated the bullet-head moments, but I do like it when this show allows Jason to act like a real human being. You know someone who is impacted by trauma. Jason is at his best when he fumbles with larger issues in his own doe-eyed manner.

And it's also nice to see a member of the Stackhouse family actually feel the emotional impact of death. While last week's "ugh another dead body" living room banter between Bill and Sookie was funny, I'm glad one Stackhouse still has emotional responses for things other than vampire wang.

Con: Sadly, Tara's character has retreated back to her angry self. You were doing so well, Tara! This angry "I need you to dig" Terminator delivery doesn't give me any pleasure in her victory over Franklin, internally or externally. You almost had me, Tara.

True Blood: where wages are paid in dirty vampire basement sexS

Pro: When Tara commands Jason to dig he immediately starts clawing at the floor with his mitts. Then trots off making whimpering noises with Franklin's bloody clothes.

Con: Both Tara and Jason are miserable at burying Franklin's vampire remains. He's liquid. How hard could this be guys?

Pro: After beating the cat-dad to a bloody pulp, Sam comes back to his shack and pours Jack Daniels on his bloody knuckles, you know from the punching. Then he takes a swig. Sam is so hard.

True Blood: where wages are paid in dirty vampire basement sexS

Pro: So hard that he starts hearing voices in his head that tell him, "I'll rip your dick off and give it to the hogs." Excuse me what?

Pro: The "hog dick" line apparently has something to do with a Sam flashback from 2003. When he was complying as Gordon Gekko. Oh, of course. That's what a "businessman Sam" looks like in True Blood town.

True Blood: where wages are paid in dirty vampire basement sexS

Con: Why this flashback, True Blood?

Pro: All the Jack is gone after that short flashback. So our puppy shapeshifting bartender SMASHES it against the wall! Sam is sooooo hard.

True Blood: where wages are paid in dirty vampire basement sexS

Pro: The way Bill says "deeeeeleeeecktaaaableee" when he's talking about fairy blood.

Con: Eric is making a living (undead?) vampire will. This is nice and all, but if we're going to top last week's vamp-cast, we're going to need something much more exciting than paperwork.

Pro: While this process is tedious we do get to find out Pam's full name: Pamela Swinford de Beaufort. What does this mean? No idea. It's different from the book, I believe. Rianmelt over at Television Without Pity sees to think it's means Pam is a descendant of John of Gaunt, Duke of Lancaster and his long term mistress and last Duchess, Katherine Swinford. Yay or Nay?

Pro: I apologizing for complaining about the vampire will earlier. It was worth it for Eric's Evita What there's no translation for "gold digging whore?" Still, what is this stripper/dancer/blood donor complaining about? Getting "good sex" from Eric is probably a lot better than owning Fangtasia after Eric is dead. Eric, fire this ungrateful employee and hire us. We'll work for Olympic bendy basement vampire fornication. Or we could just have sex and not worry about the whole job thing.

Con: Saving Crystal's cat-dad. Don't we have enough characters on this show?

Pro: Eric and Bill back together! These two have the best back-and-forth vampire banter out of the whole lot. Plus you gotta love Bill's hate-stare at Eric.

True Blood: where wages are paid in dirty vampire basement sexS

Pro: Sookie is MINE! One more time for the cheap seats in the back!

Pro: Bill calling Eric Russell's "butt boy" my my. Aren't we playing dirty now.

Pro: This pisses Eric off, clearly…

True Blood: where wages are paid in dirty vampire basement sexS

Pro: Always good to have Steve Newlin back. See below for the delightful postmortem that the good Reverend was a part of. Just delightful.

True Blood: where wages are paid in dirty vampire basement sexS

Con: Arlene gets a face full of vampire anger, again. I understand the tension and that these two are supposed to demonstrate what the rest of the world might be going through. Enough. I get it. Arlene hates Jessica, and Jessica is struggling with Arlene's prejudice. Got it. Check.

True Blood: where wages are paid in dirty vampire basement sexS

Con: After Jessica flicks her fangs at Arlene, Tommy walks up and tells our little vampire lady that her fangs give him wood. Awesome? This show is just hell bent on ruining this character, aren't they? Remember when we liked Tommy?

Pro: Oh Summer. I'm sorry sweetheart, this just isn't fair. You want to name Hoyt "Bear." We ALL want to nickname Hoyt "Bear." We want to spend Sunday afternoons humming "On The Street Where You Live" while canning our own pickles barefoot on the kitchen linoleum. Meanwhile "Bear" tinkers with the dusty living room light fixture we both picked up at the cross town flea market. But that's never going to happen. He's supposed to be with Jessica. And you're right — it's not fair. Pickling Sundays are never going to happen. I'm all aboard team Summer. How about a Summer-centric postmortem? Yes? Please?

True Blood: where wages are paid in dirty vampire basement sexS

Pro: Summer insists on repeatedly calling Hoyt "Bear," and tries to fix his broken heart with her breasts. She hands them over like they are muffins. My heart breaks for you darling.

Con: Tara is back to her angry old ways. I thought we had progress. Wasn't she making peace with people and trying to see the good in things? Franklin is dead. Sure she can be angry, and it makes sense that she wishes all vampires dead. Ok fine. But this is yet another broken True Blood record, The Tara Sessions.

Pro: Vampire Terrorist. Plus inappropriate newscaster puns, they're just like us!

Pro: While Sam's whole "I'm hard now" act is cheeseball. I wanted to shake his hand for telling the witchy waitress to piss off. Seriously lady. We get it, you like meddling in people's shit.

Pro: Sam telling Tommy he's an idiot. Yep.

Pro: Arlene tells Terry the baby isn't his. Good.

Pro: Terry does exactly what we expect him to do. Be the absolute best version of a human male ever, with a dash of crazy. How is it possible that this show, which is hardly grounded in any sort of reality whatsoever has to have the best male specimens on the planet? Dramatic, you bethca.

Con: Jesus and Lafayette's blood trip. I don't have anymore room for anymore characters, dead magical relatives or not. Did we really need this? I thought this was all covered or hinted at. We knew Jesus was magical. We didn't need to physically go back and time and prove it.

Pro: Before the camera physically took us inside the blood trip, we got a look at Jesus and Lafayette "outside" of the high. Looked about right. Awful for anyone not on drugs.

True Blood: where wages are paid in dirty vampire basement sexS

Pro: While the blood trip was a little long and pointless, Lafayette's facial expressions through this whole journey were priceless.

True Blood: where wages are paid in dirty vampire basement sexS

Pro: Tara kisses Jason and then freaks out. Actually felt like a good moment for Tara, confused, scared, hurt, looking for quick and painless love. Until her usual blind rage ruined everything. Now that Tara knows that Jason killed her old boyfriend Eggs I have a sour feeling in my stomach that she's going to become and annoying plot twist to a bunch of side stories that no one cares about.

Con: Sookie leaves Jason's house when everyone expressly told her to stay put. Thanks for the note, jerk.

True Blood: where wages are paid in dirty vampire basement sexS

Pro: Bill is being a better Vampire Dad to Jessica. He's at her doorstep moments after she freaks. Good.

True Blood: where wages are paid in dirty vampire basement sexS

Pro: More "Sam is so hard" flashbacks. Turns out Sam shot a pretty girl that he maybe loved, but ended up robbing him. Oh, of course he did. What does this have to do with ANYTHING? And who cares?

True Blood: where wages are paid in dirty vampire basement sexS

Con: Sookie STOPS ERIC FROM KISSING HER TO TELL HIM THAT SHE GETS THAT SHE IS IRRESISTIBLE. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.

Pro: "Blah blah Vampire emergency blah blah blah." Once again Pam has the most common sense out of everyone on the show. Let's use Sookie to save our lives. Yes.

Pro: Russell Edgington is back, carrying around the gooey remains of his lover and picking up ass in the cutest way possible. "Are you looking for someone special?" "Found it!"

Pro: How Russell walks away after the deal has been made with his new friend. From now on, whenever I pick up hooker on the street, this is how I will walk away.

True Blood: where wages are paid in dirty vampire basement sexS

Pro: Hoyt throws down. Like we knew he would. I don't think there is any other "this will never happen to you" romantic scenario that we've wanted more in the whole world. The whole thing is perfect.

Pro: Bill gets pushed out of Jason's house like Dorothy Gale in the tornado when Jason revokes his invitation.

True Blood: where wages are paid in dirty vampire basement sexS

Con: Were-puma. Nope. Not doing it.

True Blood: where wages are paid in dirty vampire basement sexS

Pro: As horrific as it was to watch Russell murder the long-haired prostitute, it was actually very, sad and sweet. He just needed to say goodbye to Talbot. Still, Russell is much better when he's ripping spines out of newscaster's backs. This, while sweet, felt like filler.

True Blood: where wages are paid in dirty vampire basement sexS

Pro: Hoyt does what we are all thinking and shuts Tommy up with a side fist to the face. He's like Rafiki he's so good with the punching. He doesn't even have to look.

Con: Hoyt drinks Jessica's blood. I know this is great they are together again, but you know better. As much as we want it to, you know this won't change a thing for these two. That's how this show get's you. It won't work this time True Blood! (It's totally working True Blood, I'm already airbrushing "Jessica and Hoyt together forever" t-shirts in the novelty store inside my brain).

Pro: Eric listens to Pam, locks Sookie up in his sex basement. Presumably not for sex.

True Blood: where wages are paid in dirty vampire basement sexS

Pro: It's the end of the episode and while I'm not wowed, I've almost completely forgotten about this whole fairy thing.

Pro: Best Postmortem of the season. Praise his light.

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