Tales of the Unexpected was a long-running DC scifi/horror series that specialized in stories about stuff nobody anticipated would happen. Its covers were also unexpectedly unexpected, and we can learn a lot about expectations just by looking at them. Unexpected.

[Scans via Cover Browser]

25 unexpected lessons we can learn from Tales of the UnexpectedS


Unexpected Lesson 1: Gorillas are adept at the art of identity theft. That's why they're called "nature's chameleons."

25 unexpected lessons we can learn from Tales of the UnexpectedS


Unexpected Lesson 2: If red suddenly turned to green, firemen will forget how to put out fires. See, firemen hate the color red just as bulls hate matadors' red capes. If a fire isn't red, it's not a fire as far as a firefighter is concerned. But wait — why do firefighters paint their trucks red? All firefighters are self-loathing.

25 unexpected lessons we can learn from Tales of the UnexpectedS


Unexpected Lesson 3: If giant raindrops are falling from above, you must "look out below." By staring at your feet, the raindrops will leave you alone. Your cool, nothing-to-lose demeanor will cow them. No one wants to kidnap a scofflaw.

25 unexpected lessons we can learn from Tales of the UnexpectedS


Unexpected Lesson 4: Most crimes in America are committed by half-dinosaur, half-Daddy Warbucks chimeras. Should you turn into one, expect to be the victim of unwarranted police profiling. The ACLU is there for you, and the discriminators will be sent to Hate Island.

25 unexpected lessons we can learn from Tales of the UnexpectedS


Unexpected Lesson 5: A democracy is only as good as its electorate. That's what you get for staying at home, Mr. "I Don't Want Jury Duty."

25 unexpected lessons we can learn from Tales of the UnexpectedS


Unexpected Lesson 6: Should your child develop a death touch, altruistic citizens will spontaneously break into a "Race For the Cure" 5K in his honor.

25 unexpected lessons we can learn from Tales of the UnexpectedS


Unexpected Lesson 7: In the 1950s, morticians left festive cadavers in public parks during the holidays. Those astonished nature lovers lucky enough to discover an "Old Man Winter" would be rewarded with a pocket full of marzipan.

25 unexpected lessons we can learn from Tales of the UnexpectedS


Unexpected Lesson 8: Children's literacy should be encouraged, but only if they have pleasant things to say.

25 unexpected lessons we can learn from Tales of the UnexpectedS


Unexpected Lesson 9: Volcanoes are very unexpected.

25 unexpected lessons we can learn from Tales of the UnexpectedS


Unexpected Lesson 10: Whatever happened to The Village People? They starved to death on a deserted atoll along with their beloved group Weimaraner, Monsieur Sixpence.

25 unexpected lessons we can learn from Tales of the UnexpectedS


Unexpected Lesson 11: The original cut of Heavyweights was morbid as shit.

25 unexpected lessons we can learn from Tales of the UnexpectedS


Unexpected Lesson 12: The Easter Bunny is actually based on the Teutonic legend of Das Schwarzkaninchen, a primordial god-rabbit who laid eggs filled with bees.

25 unexpected lessons we can learn from Tales of the UnexpectedS


Unexpected Lesson 13: Vertigo Comics' resurrection of Vampire of the Apes will be the next Preacher. And if they don't write it, I will.

25 unexpected lessons we can learn from Tales of the UnexpectedS


Unexpected Lesson 14: Always read the fight card before you sign up for a boxing match. Promoters can be unscrupulous.

25 unexpected lessons we can learn from Tales of the UnexpectedS


Unexpected Lesson 15: Abraham Lincoln grew up in a pressurized cabin.

25 unexpected lessons we can learn from Tales of the UnexpectedS


Unexpected Lesson 16: The Ozzie and Harriet and Donny and Marie crossover was a fantastic piece of outsider art.

25 unexpected lessons we can learn from Tales of the UnexpectedS


Unexpected Lesson 17: Crucial moments that determine the history of the human race are the time for external monologue.

25 unexpected lessons we can learn from Tales of the UnexpectedS


Unexpected Lesson 18: If you want your comic to sell like gangbusters, just mention a little rock and roll. Kids love it!

25 unexpected lessons we can learn from Tales of the UnexpectedS


Unexpected Lesson 19: If the Master of 100 Wigs is public domain, I call preemptive dibs. You heard it here first, vultures!

25 unexpected lessons we can learn from Tales of the UnexpectedS


Unexpected Lesson 20: Everyone has a weakness. However, some people have stupid weaknesses.

25 unexpected lessons we can learn from Tales of the UnexpectedS


Unexpected Lesson 21: Immortality is worth everyone thinking you're a pervert.

25 unexpected lessons we can learn from Tales of the UnexpectedS


Unexpected Lesson 22: The Tales of the Unexpected editorial staff's spouses cheated on them with the color green.

25 unexpected lessons we can learn from Tales of the UnexpectedS


Unexpected Lesson 23: Do not have sex with your doppelganger if he's the size of your house. YOU WILL REGRET IT.

25 unexpected lessons we can learn from Tales of the UnexpectedS


Unexpected Lesson 24: Racial stereotypes can survive the vacuum of space.

25 unexpected lessons we can learn from Tales of the UnexpectedS


Unexpected Lesson 25: Skywriting is the most effective medium to order a nuclear strike.