Skyline is the most pointless movie of the year

There's a crowded field when it comes to pointlessness in movies, but alien invasion flick Skyline broke from the pack with its unfunny vacuity. Do not despair, though. It was just awful enough to have so-bad-it's-good potential. Spoilers!

Skyline was like a Syfy Original Movie, but with a kind of pernicious, humorless stupidity at its heart. It's got that B-movie "all we need for this plot is a giant monster" sensibility, but without any awareness of its own silliness. Which, as I suggested, makes it ripe for consumption as pure cheese.

You've got to hand it to the Brothers Strause, who directed: They don't really waste time on plot, or continuity. Here's what happens: Jared (Eric Balfour) and Elaine go to LA to attend the birthday party of Jared's old friend Terry, who has become a rich something in Hollywood - producer? director? musician? special effects artist? It's never clear. There's a party, women are treated like objects (more so than in most B movies) and Elaine barfs. Then just when we really want to murder everyone for being shallow, boring stereotypes, a bunch of alien ships zoom out of the sky, shoot light everywhere, and start harvesting human brains by the hundreds of thousands.

Skyline is the most pointless movie of the year

There are squid ship/cyborgs who are ripoffs of the Matrix series, surveillance tentacle scenes that are ripoffs of War of the Worlds, and chompy anus mouth monsters that are ripoffs of Resistance 2 and/or Cloverfield. The movie proceeds in videogame-esque fashion, as we meet bigger and bigger bosses, interspersed with several scenes where characters pointlessly reveal things ("Please don't smoke - I'm pregnant!" "You cheated on me!"). Unfortunately the characters' decisions are even more pointless: Run to the roof! Try to get to the ocean! Run to the basement! Jump in a car! Take pictures! Watch TV (which we discover is hooked up to Terry's telescope, after an uncomfortable "spy on gay neighbors which we all understand are gross because they are gay" moment)!

And continuity? What's that? Night becomes day without warning. Terry's penthouse is suddenly just one apartment on a crowded floor. Elaine's upper lip collagen implant keeps getting bigger and smaller from scene to scene. Yuck.

Also, for your pleasure, I took notes during the movie of all the amazing cliches that the Brothers Strause trot out as if YOU HAD NEVER SEEN THEM BEFORE.

Skyline is the most pointless movie of the year

1. Abduction light pours through the windows, sucking some partiers up with it. Jared sees it, but is rescued. Later, he explains: "The light grabs hold of you and controls you!" Whoa.

2. For no reason whatsoever, a character asserts, "The further we get out of the city, the better." Why? We see alien ships all the way out to the horizon. Apparently all apocalyptic scenarios require people to leave cities.

Skyline is the most pointless movie of the year

3. Black male protagonist Terry becomes monster food early in the film. Even though you thought he was the protagonist.


4. Alien ship is hit with a nuke and crashes. Then it starts to reconstruct itself. Jared looks grim, turns to the others: "They're not dead. They're just really really pissed off."

5. Badass Mexican guy who is the building's doorman asserts: "This is war." Later, he does the heroic self-immolation trick by turning on the gas, waiting for the Boss alien, then flicking a lighter while cursing at the alien in Spanish.

6. Jared punches an alien in its carapace. Sorry, Eric Balfour, but you are no Will Smith.

Skyline is the most pointless movie of the year

7. Aliens start zooming around over the roof where Jared is protecting Elaine. Jared emits a slomo "NOOOOOOOOO!" when flaming debris starts raining down from an alien vs. human dogfight. Really? A slomo no? This movie is not afraid of cheese.

The best bits of the movie are when the giant alien monsters spooge out their tentacles, rip human brains from their skulls, and slorp them up. Every monster is unapologetically and flagrantly designed to have an anus-shaped or vagina-shaped orifice that lights up and emits goo. The monsters and giant ships and cyborg things are undoubtedly the least pointless part of this movie.

And the last 10 minutes of the movie are so fucking badass I wanted to weep with joy. Maybe it was Stockholm Syndrome though - after being held prisoner in the Pointless Dimension for an hour and a half, anything remotely resembling an original plot development was like snorting heroin off the wet, split carapace of an alien.