Sometimes your unfriendly neighborhood juvenile delinquents will use your petunias as a mosh pit and your birdbath as a commode. Should this be the case, it may be wise to invest in these fiery lawn ornaments.
1.) Build a flamethrower sculpture powered by heavy metal
Torches and moats of fire are a wise investment, but you don't want those damn kids to mistake your house for a monastery or the Gates to Hell. This will only encourage break-ins, as they'll scour your premises for trappist ales and the ghosts of their neglectful parents. No, to truly make a statement, you need a flaming fountain fueled by the most evil music on the planet. Chris Marion's Guitar Hero-powered conflagration spigot blasts flames with each button tapped. Here are photos of its construction. Should you build one, I advise blasting Danzig's "Mother" ad nauseum. (Bonus fact: Danzig believes in werewolves.)
2.) Build a trombone flamethrower
With Jonathon Crawford's fire-blasting trombone, you are a one-person Fourth of July — you will become the lovechild of the parade and the fireworks made flesh. Sound off your patriotism at three in the morning. Only the foolish will complain.
3.) A fire-breathing snowman
Last year, the Berte family of Bel Air, Maryland built a fire-spewing iceman. I imagine it surprised folks, but they'd have amplified the element of surprise by 100% had they displayed this guy on Labor Day weekend. The Bertes also built this dragon flamethrower as part of what I can only imagine is a never-ending PSYOP campaign against their neighbors.
4.) Attach a flamethrower to a wheelchair
Some of us are preternaturally crotchety, others have senescence to blame. If you fall into the latter camp, check out Greathouse Labs' flamethrower-mounted wheelchair. The lollygaggers and lazeabouts clogging the aisles of Caldors will think twice the next time they lollygag and/or laze about.
5.) Burn ominous messages into your lawn using a flamethrower robot
Owning a flamethrowing robot is middlingly evil. Burning the message "THIS MESSAGE WAS WRITTEN BY A FLAMETHROWING ROBOT" into your lawn with said flamethrowing robot is just plain nefarious. Hat tip to designer Sebastian Neitsch for making the world a little more disturbing.
6.) Pretend that your house is perpetually on fire
Remember, bad kids love Hell. Satan is like their version Uncle Sam. What's uncool to ragamuffins? Boring ol' burning houses. They're hot and smell like an empty bag of smokehouse beef jerky. Do what Montreal artist Isabelle Hayeur did in Vancouver, Canada — create 15-minute video loop of a building bursting into flame. Granted, Hayeur was making a statement on urban decay, and please note that the truly committed will eschew theatrics entirely and light their veranda on fire every night.
7.) Flaming gauntlets
If you lack the funds or gumption to ignite your patio daily, give these flaming gloves from J&M Special Effects a whirl. In order to truly dissuade all roustabouts and solicitors, mow your lawn constantly and pause every 10 minutes (like clockwork) to show off your pyromaniacal plumage. Do this for several hours every day, even if you don't have a lawn.
8.) Build a robotic scorpion that fires flames from its tail
Honestly, I'm surprised they don't sell these things at Skymall. You can buy an giant pewter Moai or a 1:1 soapstone recreation of Swamp Thing, but you can't purchase this? A travesty. Anyway, this creation comes to you from Greathouse Labs as well. When you display this thing, keep the techno from the above video blasting. I'd even sub in some Belgian New Beat.
Doug Malewicki's Robosaurus is a legend. If that robot ran for Congress, I'd vote for him. Sure, his electoral agenda would just be a charred piece of paper and his stump speech would be a crushed Dodge Neon, but his debates would be thrilling. Incidentally, Robosaurus was auctioned off in 2008. The winner bought the bot for a bargain basement price of $575,000.
Q: What's scarier than a 40-foot-tall sedan-eating dragon? Let's find out...
10.) A giant flamethrowing robotic baby
Meet Torayan, the god fetus created by Yanobi Kenji Art Works. According to its creators, "this giant Torayan doll is the ultimate child's weapon, as it sings, dances, breathes fire, and follows only those orders given by children." On second thought, using this abomination to keep away the neighborhood ruffians may backfire terribly.
Top image: Katsumi Kasahara/Associated Press.