10 Reasons the Star Trek 2 Screenplay Still Isn't Done

Originally, the screenwriters promised the script for the Star Trek sequel would be done by Christmas 2009. Then it was Christmas 2010. Now it's still in the works. We have no idea why, so we made up some reasons.

Actually, the script might be done by now — J.J. Abrams said it wasn't finished yet as of a couple weeks ago, but that could have changed. But it seems likely that when the script is actually done, someone will tweet about it, or possibly set off some photon torpedos to celebrate.

(And yes, before anybody jumps in to say this, it's actually a very good thing that they're taking the time to get this right — and the longer they spend on the script, the more likely we are to get a worthy sequel. Plus, with filming not supposed to ramp up until late spring or early summer, there's plenty of time.)

So why is the script delayed? Here are our guesses — none of which involves needing to figure out a way to double the amount of lens flare this time around. And there are no spoilers below, unless we're psychic.

10 Reasons the Star Trek 2 Screenplay Still Isn't Done

10) They needed to think of something cooler than "Red Matter" to be the main widget this time around. There were a few dozen meetings involved before they came up with Blue Chocolate, which has half the calories and can turn planets into marzipan. Mmm... marziplanets.

10 Reasons the Star Trek 2 Screenplay Still Isn't Done

9) The studio kept demanding more motorcycles, classic cars and bar fights. The "suits" didn't quite understand that the movie starts out with our guys already on the starship, in deep space. So in the end, Kirk and his crew had to make a lengthy visit to the Biker Bar on Starbase 27 — the same place where Lobo always hangs out.

10 Reasons the Star Trek 2 Screenplay Still Isn't Done

8) So wait a sec — can Spock actually get laid without being in Pon Farr? And if not, can our guy have a little mini-Pon Farr at the start of the movie, and then another one about two-thirds of the way through? Maybe like three or four micro-Pon Farrs total? Think of it like a Pon Farr every 20-30 minutes. He can? Great. Thanks, guys.

10 Reasons the Star Trek 2 Screenplay Still Isn't Done

7) The all-important "Kirk disobeys a direct order from Starfleet and gets relieved of command" sequence needed to have a douchebag Commodore show up for extra oomph. There was a wee communication breakdown, and for a while the Commodores, the 1970s funk band, were parading onto the Enterprise bridge and stripping Kirk of his command. Also the sequence where the douchebag Commodore flies the Enterprise into a deadly cloud of blue chocolate, over Kirk's objections, lacked the necessary oomph.

10 Reasons the Star Trek 2 Screenplay Still Isn't Done

6) Spock's no good half-brother Sybok just didn't work as the new bartender (and everyone's confidant) on the Enterprise. Even though the "Sybok and Harry Mudd start a funny religion together" sequence was pure gold. And everybody really liked the part where Sybok helps Scotty's tiny alien friend get past his emotional pain. Greg Grunberg was really excited to wear the Vulcan ears and Jesus beard, too.

10 Reasons the Star Trek 2 Screenplay Still Isn't Done

5) The Klingon-Gorn alliance was a cool idea. But they got kind of stuck explaining why the Klingons didn't just roast the Gorn on a spit, like tasty iguanas. Plus the new Spider-Man is already supposedly doing the "lizard" thing, and the suits were worried there would be lizard brand confusion.

10 Reasons the Star Trek 2 Screenplay Still Isn't Done

4) They wanted to pay tribute to Gene Roddenberry by having a "cosmic/spiritual" sequence at the end. The Blue Chocolate was going to be revealed as some kind of godlike being that wanted the Enterprise crew to stop being so violent, and maybe wear more natural fabrics. Lindelof wanted Kirk to hug his late dad in the Blue Chocolate realm, Orci and Kurtzman wanted some kind of incomprehensible symbols. In the end, nobody was happy with the "God" thing.

10 Reasons the Star Trek 2 Screenplay Still Isn't Done

3) Everybody wanted Uhura to kick some ass this time around. But they couldn't figure out how to have her kick ass in a teeny minidress, without needing a lot of strategically placed lens flare. The writers spent two months trying to figure out a plot reason why Uhura might have to put on some pants, or maybe some leggings, for part of the movie. What if they go to a planet of leg-biting monsters, and she has to put some protective leg coverings on? Or maybe Spock shows her a special Vulcan ritual, in which practitioners must wear pants as a sign of devotion to pure logic?

10 Reasons the Star Trek 2 Screenplay Still Isn't Done

2) They realized there were other Trek movies they could harken back to besides Wrath of Khan, and went a bit nuts for a while there. In one script draft, every fifteen minutes Kirk kicks a different person off a cliff while saying, "I have had enough of you!" (And then fifteen minutes later, "I've also had enough of you! And you! As for you — I've almost had enough of you. Come back in fifteen minutes.") There were also some attempts to include bald women with wing collars, and Spock trying and failing to say cuss-words.

10 Reasons the Star Trek 2 Screenplay Still Isn't Done

1) Now that we've gotten the crew together, how can we break them up? We need sexy, sexy conflict and members of the bridge crew yelling at each other. And possibly hitting each other in the face. The tenth draft had a whole sequence where Kirk and Spock each blamed the other for getting Tribbles in the Slusho! dispenser in the officers' mess hall, and it got ugly. Then they experimented with a subplot where Scotty tries to use the engine room as a brewery, with hilariously terrible consquences.

Screencaps via Trekcore.