So this week's episode of V was so crazy and over-the-top that you need to contemplate it to make your afternoon complete. I'll give you a recap but honestly all you need to focus on right now is MATING. Because that's all V cares about too. That, and little teeny bottles of DNA that look like sperm.

Spoilers ahead!

Meet the DNA penis drill

First of all, let us marvel at the wonder and campiness of that clip up top. I love it when Anna vamps it up, and this show knows how to deliver the "we will pillage their DNA" angle. Plus, that giant DNA penis drill thing? WHAT IS THAT? And why did they need to strip the lady down and torture her just to get a teeny bottle of DNA sperm from her neck? Even more confusingly, the DNA torture victim is inside "soul torture" device of previous episodes. I notice that they've kind of dropped the "we must understand the human soul" angle, so maybe the soul machine has been replaced with the "we prepare your DNA for the penis drill" machine.

What happened on Tuesday night's episode, plotwise, in one paragraph.

A bunch of humans who were going to be used in Anna's DNA farm started barfing then died. Erica took over the Fifth Column, exchanged smoky looks with Hobbes, and masterminded a heist to steal a virus that would destroy the DNA on the "live aboards" who are apparently already dying from barf sickness anyway. Erica and Hobbes get together, with lots of tongues and shirtlessness, and Father Jack is sad because Erica is now willing to risk lives to stop the V. Anna admits the Fifth Column still exists, and blames them for the barf deaths. Ryan escapes the ship, with help from Diana and Lisa, but leaves his daughter behind under Anna's evil bliss care. Also, it seems that Anna's former right-hand guy, currently hospitalized with a head wound, is a Diana loyalist.

And now, back to the DNA penis machine

Apparently, Anna is putting together the best DNA in the world to "fill in" the blank spaces in the live aboards' DNA. So now Tyler and all his half-finished DNA pals will have ultra-special human DNA. BUT WHY? To make them better mates? I thought only queens could mate? What is happening here?

Meanwhile, it seems that Lisa can mate with any of the live aboards or something. Or maybe just with any of the Tyler-esque live-aboards? Either way, she needs to prove her loyalty to her mother by humping Rafael, the annoying accent guy she rejected previously. But then Tyler rushes in and punches Rafael! And then he yells at Lisa that if she were truly human she would understand why she is his sexual property and not her mother's sexual property! See how that works?!

OK, so let's really try to figure this whole mating thing out

So all of the live aboards have DNA that Anna wants to harvest. She'll suck it into the little sperm vials, stick it into the penis drill, and then inject it into Lisa's possible mates. And ooooh boy, here is a major injection-o-rama scene. Anna uses a GIANT needle to penetrate Tyler's arm - after telling taking his shirt off and telling him she needs to "prepare his body for interstellar travel." Basically the injection makes Tyler ready to inject Lisa.

We've already established that when a queen gets pregnant, she has a zillion babies. But she has a limited number of times to do this apparently. So Lisa will presumably give birth to a ton of hybrid babies, who are half-V and half-superpowered human DNA. Maybe this is Lisa's only chance to give birth, or maybe she'll be pumping out babies for the next 10 years. Who knows?

Here is something else I continue to wonder about. Does anybody else have babies? It seems not. And Diana makes this comment about how Ryan is one of "her children." Given how many children Anna had before Erica burned them, I assume this means that every person on the ship, including Anna, is basically one of Diana's babies. So Anna and Ryan are brother and sister?

It has been revealed that Anna doesn't even need Lisa to hump random accent guys because she has a backup egg that Joshua has been preparing for her. WHY DOES ANNA HAVE A BACKUP EGG? Seriously, I want this show to give me some answers about the V reproductive cycle and it just torments me with more arbitrary weirdness.

Please, TV writers, I just want to understand!

A few final thoughts about mating

If this entire show could just focus on Anna's breeding plan, I would basically be glued to the set every week and completely enraptured. But every time we go back to Earth and I have to listen to Father Jack whining, or watch Erica have semi-hot sex with beardyman Hobbes, or watch a non-action-packed action scene in a lab.

Also, can somebody please hire a science consultant? Even somebody taking high school biology will do. YOUR DNA IS NOT A LADDER THAT CAN COLLAPSE. That is all.