On The Event, you're trapped between burning castles and frozen pusS

Last night's episode of The Event was so Earth-shattering that you're going to need to sit down to read about it. There are knives, burning castles, mobile phones, Leila barking at something, and the Vice President is naked. Spoilers!

I'm kind of bummed I missed the episode two weeks ago, where Simon tried vainly to stop Sophia from "winnowing" the human population to make room for more alien suburbs. But luckily, there were at least three scenes were characters recapped what happened last episode so it was almost like I was there.

A glimpse of the show you wish you were watching

Did anybody else notice that the opening scenes of the episode were like one of the deliciously weird science intros from Fringe, with the alien slicing up ice cores and fleeing the military unit who were yelling stuff like stand down etc.? Alas, that subplot went out the window with Mr. Icy.

Meanwhile, back in suburbia . . .

Sophia calls a meeting in some suburban dining room and gives us A) the infodump that reveals the aliens have a 2.5 billion population and they'll be "winnowing" the human population down to make room for them; B) She is still badass Sophia; and C) She is wearing one of many awesome leather jackets that we'll see inexplicably throughout this episode, including and most improbably on Sean who has been a fugitive for like weeks and hardly would have had time to pick up that stylish number.

Badass Sophia is working on some kind of weapon that was to be the product of Mr. Icy's research. It's located somewhere in Siberia. She orders some character we'll probably never see again to "analyze" Icy's work and does that whole arm-touching thing which I guess is what makes her a great leader. Then she goes full-on terrorist and says, "We need to disrupt the government." She's going to kill Martinez, hopefully by using his obviously alien wife.

The president is having equally hawkish thoughts about Sophia, reiterating for like the 500th time in the series that "we are now at war with the nonterrestrials." Just in case you forgot THE PRESIDENT IS TOTALLY TOUGHENING UP. The VP seems weirded out and and says something like, "Hey maybe we should talk to some other world leaders and get some help before bombing the shit out of the only aliens we've ever met." Everybody, but especially Sterling, gives him tot total hairy eyeball. Which makes sense because the VP did try to murder the President, but in fact they seem most disgusted by the idea that America would ever ask for international help in a situation that affects the entire globe. We'll handle this all by our American selves.

What is Sarah Palin doing?

Well, first of all, she is wearing some totally fucking hot dresses while she invades everybody's privacy and goes on a witch hunt for aliens in the White House by testing everybody's blood in preparation for a nationwide alien flushout. She reports to Martinez that everybody came back negative for alien DNA except his wife, who is apparently taking some "moral stand" against enforced blood testing from Sarah Palin. Is she one of the aliens? I hope so.

Sarah gives Martinez this thick folder full of "information that doesn't add up" in his wife's past. He acts all offended and huffy and squares his shoulders and says a bunch of stuff like "If you accuse my wife, you accuse me," and Sarah is totally impressed with his manly manliness. While Martinez and Sarah are comparing the size of their missile launchers, Sophia gives the VP a buzz on his PRODUCT PLACEMENT MOBILE DEVICE and says things like "Martinez caused this senseless and tragic blah blah so let's meet in person and work together to make you President." At that moment, the VP totally gets an eyebrow boner.

I set my castle on fire so let's go inside and talk!

Dempsey tied Vicky up in his French castle and lit it on fire because he wanted to lure Sean in to talk to him about some new agey crap about how he's part of an ancient something or other, probably related to that cave painting. I love that the whole exterior of the castle is totally fine and Sean runs in to find the one burning room, as if either Dempsey was willing to burn his whole mega-mansion down to kill Vicky or he just has a few extra rooms he keeps around for burning people to death. Once he's rescued Vicky, Dempsey shows up and says, "Impressive, Mr. Walker. You managed to run into my unlocked mansion and rescue the hot chick. Let's go inside and talk. My tea room is next to the acid bath chamber and lynching parlors."

So then they have this whole conversation about how Dempsey is "part of a tribe of sentinels" who have been around for thousands of years to deal with the aliens, who have been around for just as long. You know any speech that begins like that isn't going anywhere good. Apparently as a sentinel he can "see the real tapestry of history." And another part of his job is seemingly to give us a plot recap of everything Sean has done throughout the series, perhaps with the intention of convincing us that he really is a hero even though he's standing there with his yawp hanging open in a way that looks so outrageously dumb it approaches sublimity. Apparently Sean is the guy who will save the world from Sophia, and Dempsey gives Sean a black duffel bag before killing himself just to emphasize his point.

So basically we get endless recaps of everything Sean has done, endless repeated discussions proving how Sophia and the President are Really Angry Now, but the whole Dempsey child-molestation, rock-caressing, angel-hunting, archaeologist-murdering plot goes nowhere? He just kills himself and that's it? Oooookay. Well I guess if he's a sentinel and knows his place in the tapestry it's OK that he drank child blood and stuff.

Meanwhile, back in surburbia . . .

Shockingy, Leila continues to be expressionlessly, viciously stupid. "OMG you mean I am totally trapped here?" she whines to Mr. Giant Dude Guarding Stuff. So she stabs herself in the hand and Giant Dude brings her to another suburban house where Nurse Alien patches her up with Smurf band-aids and then Leila sneakily manages to sneak into Simon's room. Ah, snacky Simon, all tied up and wearing a kicky little headband made of gauze. "Call the authorities! It's genocide!" he tells her.

So, just call the genocide hotline then? OK, done and done. But you know, done Leila style, meaning so incompetently that you want to force PRODUCT PLACEMENT MOBILE DEVICES down the throats of everybody responsible for everything related to this episode except the jackets and dresses. Seriously the only person I am rooting for at this point is the costume designer.

Leila decides to use her womanly wiles to get Giant Dude's guard down. She offers him wine and he comes inside and takes his jacket off while she smiles and twitches. Somehow he is lame enough that he doesn't notice she's stolen his mobile and gone upstairs to call the genocide emergency service. "Uh I'm being held by terrorists - I don't know where. It's a suburb with trees! You don't understand you need to find me!" Leila brays into the phone. Seriously? That's her big fucking plan with the phone? Poor snacky Simon, putting his faith in this dumbass. Then she bashes Giant Dude on the head or something and runs away, only to phone Sean while he's hiking around France with Vicky and the gun he decided brilliantly to steal from Dempsey's cold, dead fingers.

The chemistry between these two is so awful, that they can't even manage to say each other's names right.

Leila [on phone]: Sawn! Sawn!

Sean [on phone]: Lala! Lala! Where are you?

Leila: Sawn I have no time! Go to Siberia and find a person with a name! They're going to get me!

Sean: Lala? Who will?

Leila: She is planning to kill everybody!

Sean: Who? What are you talking about?

Leila: Sophia! Go stop her! [muffled barks as Lala is grabbed by Bald Alien Guy]

Whoa - it's just like Dempsey said. Sean is the guy who will stop Sophia, if only he can find this person with a name in Siberia.

What's right for America

The VP goes to his meeting with Sophia, who pretends to be a high-priced hooker so that the Secret Service guys will leave them in peace to discuss how they'll kill Martinez. Sophia says it will be totally easy and nobody will be able to trace it to the VP. Doesn't he want a chance to bargain with her and allow America to become a partner state to the alien state? She gives him this whole line about how some nations will be destroyed and others will be preserved and that if he's President she's sure that America will be preserved.

"I want you to take an active role in the new order," she purrs to the VP, who totally falls for it. You can practically see this fantasy being prised from the brain of a reactionary ideologue on horse tranquillizers - THIS IS WHAT IT MEANS TO BARGAIN WITH TERRORISTS. It means meeting sexy aliens in hotel rooms and bargaining away the soul of America because the terrorists can twist your devotion to this nation into a plan to put poison fake sugar into the President's coffee.

"We can do this without violence," Sophia says, and the VP gives her the eyebrow boner.

Who is really an alien?

The President finally gives in and goes to Sarah Palin and reads his wife's file. Then he starts quizzing the wife randomly about why she was in Belize before their trip there together and at last she starts crying and admits that she has something terrible to tell him.

She's actually the child of illegal immigrants from the Dominican Republic! Whew, what a relief! The President is like "oh that's OK we can cover it up" and pats her head. But she totally has the "I'm guilty of being an extraterrestrial" look on her face. Metaphorical alien or real alien? This show is so deep. I may need a sentinel to figure it out. Or a giant blob of hash.

Meanwhile the VP whines to Sterling about how the future of our country hangs in the balance and the President's hatred of Sophia will lead to massive death and destruction. He starts babbling about how he wants to preserve our way of life and please let me lead negotiations with Sophia. So Sterling gives him the complete smackdown and says, "Nobody trusts you because you tried to kill the President and no you can't lead negotiations so shut up or I'll send you to Inostranka." That's when Sterling does an eyebrow stabby face and looks really punk rock and you can tell he's decided to stick the poison in the President's coffee because HE LOVES AMERICA.

But first we have to have a completely gratuitous scene of the VP getting the poison fake sugar during an acupuncture session where he's naked. Is that really the best plan the aliens could come up with? Couldn't somebody just nick him with polonium or something?

And just in case you hadn't yet figured out that Sophia is playing the VP for a fool, she snarls to her alien buddies, "He's naive enough to think he can save his country but once we have our weapon nothing can." Nice evil vamping, Sophia! America is going down! Only the Dominican Republic will survive!

Meanwhile, back in Siberia . . .

Some guys have dug up a frozen body that's COVERED IN PUS and totally grody. Aha! It's the secret weapon of Mr. Icy!

Tune in next week when the VP demands croissants and everybody is covered in boils.