You might think it'd be difficult to sum up all the greatness of Timecop 2: The Berlin Decision in one article. But we're going to try. Prepare to enter a vortex of time paradoxes, kickboxing and shirtless Jason Scott Lee.

Spoilers ahead...

The original Timecop is one of the most underrated science fiction movies of all time. So we had high hopes for Timecop 2, which came out in 2002. Sadly, Timecop 2 is nowhere near as great as the original, but it's still a perfectly solid piece of cheese. It's not exactly subtle, but what it lacks in grandness it makes up for in a nice quantity of martial arts ass-whoopin' and fuck yeah moments.

There's no Jean-Claude Van Damme this time around, because he was too busy... doing what, we're not sure.

Instead, Jason Scott Lee is the main timecop, and his opponents are the Society for Creative Anachronism Society for Historical Accuracy. The SHA was designed to make sure the timecops didn't mess with history instead of safeguarding it — but the SHA has gone bad and is pulling some nasty time crimes. Hence the sequence we excerpted above.

You have to admire a movie that includes a plot to assassinate Hitler in the first 10 minutes. Not to mention the amazing eye-reddening death-taser. Good times all around.

Then there's this amazing bit, where Lee catches up to one of the rogue SCA members, who's been meddling in history again. (Also, there's a fantastic scene where some racist old-timey cops try to rough up Lee, and he trounces them.) In the year 2025, the court system has changed somewhat — judges are bathed in spooky green light so you'll respect their judgments more. The bench is entirely made out of CG, for greater judicial gravitas. And a death sentence is carried out in the courtroom — by two guys wearing chain mail headpieces and steampunk goggles. The only thing you'd need to make this scene complete is if the guy being executed keeps screaming "You're just like Hitler!" Didn't he just meet Hitler in the earlier scene? He ought to know better.

I didn't make a clip of it, but there's an absolutely splendid scene later on where Jason Scott Lee is jumping through time, chasing the main SCA guy, Miller. And he arrives in some historical period and he (and we) don't know when it is. Luckily, two seconds after Lee appears out of thin air, two guys walk past, and one of them says, "It's 1929, and I can't believe we still have to deal with this nonsense." Which is nice and convenient! I should go around prefacing all my remarks with what year it is, in case a time traveler is passing.

Then there's the bit where Lee returns to the present — but due to the SCA's meddling the timeline has altered. The doctor who treats the timecops, who was previously a demure professional lady, now wears a shirt with a giant boob window, and has tons of piercings. And she cusses! Otherwise, we wouldn't know the timeline has changed — her boobs are what's known in the business as an Alternate Timeline Indicator. You just stare at her boobs until you know which timeline this is. Later, Lee comes back to the present again, and this time his boss has an eyepatch, indicating yet another altered timeline. Because eyepatches are the male equivalent of boob windows. Huzzah!

The main SCA guy is trying to wipe out Lee's ancestors, so he'll never be born. To this end, the SCA guy goes to Texas in 1881, where Lee's ancestors lived. The SCA guy sees some random Chinese guy arrive in town and wastes him, then congratulates himself on eliminating Jason Scott Lee — not realizing that Lee is Hapa, and his Texas grandparents are both Caucasian. It's actually kind of a neat twist.

Finally, Jason Scott Lee settles things by getting shirtless and fighting the main SCA guy. And then the younger version of SCA guy shows up to watch his older self getting thrashed by an incredibly hot shirtless guy, and you can see the wheels turning in past!SCA guy's head. Especially when Lee looks up at him and says that it doesn't to turn out this way — past SCA guy can avoid all of this awesomely homoerotic drubbing if he changes his ways and abandons that whole "Kill Hitler" idea. Very few people can solve their problems with a combination of exposed pecs, violence and appealing to people's better nature, but with this scene, Jason Scott Lee joins William Shatner on that elite list.

And then finally, there's the movie's end title theme, whose lyrics are a work of unspeakable beauty. When we posted our list of 10 great science fiction poems earlier today, I don't know how we missed this one. We took the liberty of transcribing the lyrics below, according to the closed captioning:

You're light, euphoric
I've waited for so long
I'm crashing
It's the sweet foam in those eyes
Like a six-ton megabomb
You're supersonic
I weathered through this time
The force erratic
Like a deuce from a laser storm
The sound subsonic
Like a car crash in the rain
Your karma is solid
You gotta wonder It's all your own
Heaven, Heaven knows, Heaven
Still I felt so right
I've never known before
Never felt so right
Never felt so right
I've never known before
Your thigh, your hips,
Like a meltdown power zone
Pressed on me
Like the very thought of it all
Like a voice in a hurricane
Your heart, platonic
I've waited for so long
The source, excited
Like life on a runaway train
The spike, exotic
Rush into my mind
Your own, your soul
You're ice in a desert plain
Heaven knows
Heaven knows Heaven
Still I felt so right
I've never known before
Never felt so right
Never felt so right
I've never known before