The 10 most absurd superhero drug freakouts

Cyborgs, aliens, and highfalutin space gods aren't the only perils superheroes face. No, sometimes they battle sentient cocaine or mind-control methamphetamines. Here are 10 (mostly ridiculous) stories in which our favorite do-gooders got dosed.

The 10 most absurd superhero drug freakouts

10.) The Flash does angel dust and beats up the Justice League
In 1979's Flash #275-276, DC Comics decided that it wasn't enough for the Flash to be a man who ran expeditiously and dressed like an electric strawberry. No, his wife Iris had to be brutally murdered and the Flash had to come to terms with her death hopped up on hospital painkillers and angel dust (some bad guys made him smoke it or something). Flash, who's buzzing for days on this cocktail, attacks the Justice League when they refuse to resurrect her. Strangely enough, the Flash doesn't metabolize the PCP in approximately three seconds.

The 10 most absurd superhero drug freakouts

9.) Hal Jordan gets high on magic mushrooms in chili
In the 1973 Flash back-up story "The Powerless Power Ring," the Green Lantern goes camping and makes himself some of the Green Arrow's famous chili. Unfortunately, a mushroom cannery in the DC Universe accidentally delivered psilocybin to grocery stores. Hal must then save a rock climber while tripping balls. I'd blame his canned enlightenment on noted supervillain stoner the Floronic Man, but I'm not sure he can control all things mycological. You can read "The Powerless Power Ring" at Diversions of the Groovy Kind.

The 10 most absurd superhero drug freakouts

8.) Captain America does "Ice," goes bonkers
In Mark Gruenwald's awesome "Streets of Poison" arc from 1990, Captain America is accidentally exposed to superpowered methamphetamine known as "Ice," which bonds with the Super-Soldier Serum in his bloodstream. Cap goes on a rampage, beating the crap out of Daredevil (and everyone else).

There's a great scene in which Cap interrupts Kingpin's dinner, punches out a lackey, and just begins horking down his meal, thus sullying his once sterling anti-drug credentials.

The 10 most absurd superhero drug freakouts

7.) Thor gets his mead roofied
In the early days of Walt Simonson's tenure on The Mighty Thor, the sorceress Lorelei kept trying to ram a flagon of mind-control mead down the hero's throat. Thor comically avoids her dosed brew for several months. When he finally he takes a quaff, she has her way with him (off-panel). Stay classy, Asgard!

Under her boozy thrall, Thor next slaps his ex-girlfriend Sif in the mouth for insulting Lorelei. It's all a scheme of Loki's, of course. He's like the the Asgardian Maury Povitch.

The 10 most absurd superhero drug freakouts

6.) Arsenal does heroin, saves a dead cat
In the famous 1971 storyline "Snowbirds Don't Fly," Roy Harper (a.k.a. the Green Arrow's sidekick Speedy a.k.a. the Teen Titan Arsenal) is outed as a heroin addict. Roy eventually kicked the habit and spent a decade or so as a clean-cut single father.

Until last year, that is. In what has been roundly derided as the worst comic of 2010 (The Rise of Arsenal), Arsenal relapses after his daughter's death, beats the crap out of a bunch of drug dealers, and hallucinates that a dead alley cat is her still-alive body. This scene somehow earned it a PRISM Award for its realistic portrayal of heroin addiction.

The 10 most absurd superhero drug freakouts

5.) Tintin gets gassed
It's definitely a stretch to call Tintin a superhero, but Hergé's comic adventurer and his compatriots are constantly bugging out on all manner of intoxicating substances (whiskey, opium, Rajaijah the poison of madness, and so on). My favorite panel is this terrifying tableau from Cigars of the Pharaoh — knock-out gas gives Tintin a journey through the Egyptian underworld.

The 10 most absurd superhero drug freakouts

4.) Beast does uppers and causes the apocalypse
In Grant Morrison's run on New X-Men, the sentient bacteria John Sublime infects mutantkind by marketing himself as an aerosol mutant power enhancer known as Kick. In a dystopian future, a despondent Beast gives Kick a whirl. Sublime uses Beast's body as a vessel and subsequently takes over the world.

The 10 most absurd superhero drug freakouts

3.) Wolverine gets loaded on hallucinogenic haze
The X-Men Pixie has the ability to emit a psychotropic dust from her wings. Wolverine gets exposed to this compound and believes he's hacking through rows of unicorns. Speaking of which...

The 10 most absurd superhero drug freakouts

2.) Wolverine becomes possessed by sentient cocaine
In 1990, Wolverine learns that drug dealers are distributing cocaine that gives users superhuman strength. He tracks down the coke's source to South America, where he learns that an ancient cosmic entity known as Spore is infecting human via tainted blow. The villains dose Wolverine with evil primoridial yayo but his healing factor fights off the entity. Spore later builds his body out of cocaine and attempts to assimilate Wolverine into his corpus.

The 10 most absurd superhero drug freakouts

1.) Abby Cable eats Swamp Thing's psychedelic yam
During Alan Moore's run on Saga of the Swamp Thing, heroine Abby Cable falls in love with Swamp Thing, but his vegetable physiology prevents them from making whoopie. Instead, he offers her a yam from his body — this magic tuber allows her to see the world as he sees it. Turns out that Swamp Thing is tripping and/or orgasming 24/7. Don't get me wrong, it's an awesome moment, but it's also a hoot that Swamp Thing sees the world in Wavy Gravy Vision. Check out the pretty colors at Scans Daily.