The mythology of mermaid sex is as mysterious as the majestic sea-creature itself. How does one have sex with these alluring beings of the sea? We attempt to answer the love riddle out with a little help from pop culture.

Mermaids! Can't live with 'em (because they breathe underwater, duh) can't figure out how to have sex with them. The human mind has been wrapped up in the eternal mermaid conundrum ever since — as legend has it — sailors tired of having sex with manatees and dugongs and began fantasizing that their sea beasts had lady parts on top. I have no idea this is true, but one night this popped up on a horrifying show called Manswers, (where they were trying to answer what animal vagina is most like a human woman's, as you do). And because it was on television, we can all assume that it's 100% true. All of of our past ancestors had sex with dugongs. Someone in your family tree has definitely had sex with a manatee — accept that reality into your soul now. Or at least, that is what the show Manswers would like to have you believe.

How To Have Sex With a Mermaid

But where were we? Mermaid sex, right. So clearly, people have obsessed with having sex with mermaid-like things for a very long time, so much so that Cosmopolitan has even created a sacred mermaid position to honor our fascination with fish fornication! But how do you physically do it? We've turned to pop culture and the internet, and this is what they had to say.

How To Have Sex With a Mermaid

The easiest way to have sex with a mermaid is to do it while they are in their human form, on land. I know a lot of you are probably rolling your eyes, because what's the appeal if you can't do it in monster form? Trust us, we know. But we thought it worth mentioning. The safest way to have sex with a mermaid (also with infinitely less clean up) is to wait until he or she is dry and do it with two pairs of legs. Because as we learned in Splash, almost all mermaids turn into humans when dry.

How To Have Sex With a Mermaid

But what about the mermaids that need magic for sex purposes? Don't worry we're addressing this too. First, check your mermaid. Is this mermaid an old-timey Hans Christian Anderson Little Mermaid classic, or a new age Disney version where all the good parts are covered up by clam bras and scales? If you've befriended an early 1800s mermaid, you're in luck! As depicted in multiple illustrations by illustrators Charles Santore (pictured) and Edmund Dulac, the fishy part doesn't happen until after the rump! Easy peasy, ammirite?

How To Have Sex With a Mermaid

Here's more lower scale work by Edmund Dulac.

How To Have Sex With a Mermaid

But what about the modern-age mermaid, given that those don't appear to have any sort of exposed genitalia? Aquaman broached this subject a few times, and in one particular volume from his classic work (not pictured and we still can't find the actual panel) the merfolk lament that their eggs aren't safe. Lending credence to the traditional fish mating technique of the females laying eggs, and the males fertilizing them. Futurama also used this cultural representation of mermaid sex in their Fry/Mermaid love story.

How To Have Sex With a Mermaid

Bundles of books dwell in the hidden-genitalia realm of the mermaid sex myth. Alida Van Gores' Mermaids Song is an exceptionally violent swimsuit ripper that adheres to the philosophy that mermaids have porpoise-like genitalia, a lot of other literary works find a home here as well. Also Mermaids Song recommends having sex with a mermaid in a padded cave, it's that aggressive. Likewise, Jack L. Chalker's merfolk in the River of Dancing Gods series are all mammalian. The book even mentions that the human/mammal bits are much more compatible, because of this. Which we guess should make the whole ordeal less potentially gruesome, because you're basically related.

But what about the actual naughty bits? An exceptionally random website titled Radix had this amazingly detailed (and anonymous) description of a mermaid's dirty bits (both mermaids and mermen) that was SO specific, we just had to include it.

How mermaids reproduce
======================

Females have human internal reproduction organs; however the vagina is slightly
shorter, and the common urogenital opening (the urethra merges with the vaginal
canal near the opening) is at the front. The opening can stretch as much as a
human vaginal opening; mermaid babies are born live (as opposed to hatched from
eggs). A clitoris (which is the same color as the tail) is slightly below the
urogenital opening, and an anus is above the urogenital opening. Mermaid
vaginas are slightly smaller than human ones (since male mermaid penises are
smaller, explained below), so they tend to be more sexually satisfying to human
males.

Males do have a penis, but it is almost as small as a human female clitoris and
is the same color as the tail; it is hardly visible (this is the only plausible
explanation to why no one has ever seen a penis on any of the male mermaids).
It is used for urination, as well as sexual intercourse. The testicles are
inside the tail, as opposed to the pelvis, since they require a slightly lower
temperature to function properly (the human and pelvis part is warm-blooded,
but the tail is cold-blooded). The anus is above the penis.

How To Have Sex With a Mermaid

And if all else fails — take the guesswork out of it all, and only date reverse mermaids/men.

And with that, we bid you safe fish sex.

Thanks to TV Tropes for the television help! Reverse mermaid painting by René Magritte.