Alien Sex Files III: Alien Babes is one of those films that really has to be experienced. Nobody can be told, you must see for yourself. These are some of the most insane, profane and ludicrous clips of all time.

Warning: the clips get more NSFW as we go on.

It's the fifth or sixth movie in the Alien Sex Files III series, and by far the weirdest. (And no, the "III" in the title doesn't indicate that it's the third in the series. The entire series has titles like Alien Sex Files III: Sex Invaders, Alien Sex Files III: She-Alien, and Alien Sex Files III: Alien Ecstasy.) Directed by Milos Twilight, this series is a mainstay late at night on the premium cable channels, and fits comfortably into the "softcore porn with a semblance of plot" rubric established by series like Red Shoe Diaries back in the day. (Oh, and they're produced by Alain Siritzky, who also produced the softcore science fiction epics of Rolfe Kanefsky.)

Until you get to Alien Babes, which I believe is the most recent entry in the series. When you hit Alien Babes, then all bets are off. It's quite possibly the most ridiculous, trippy, cheesetastic thing I've ever seen. Just witness the scene above, where an American agent goes to visit Britain's best alien expert at Scotland Yard — and yes, I believe that is supposed to be a British accent. Just roll with it.

I love the incredibly serious description of alien babes going around screwing men and destroying the government's best agents with their stored-up sex energy. And then we delve deeper into the mythos, with the confusing revelation that the naked alien ladies somehow tie into an ancient Mayan prophecy about the end of the world. Because the Mayans were all about naked alien ladies.

One of the key bits of info you have to know about the Alien Sex Files III series is that there's a secret government agency, headed up by a mustachioed nine-star general (he's too cool for just five stars). And this agency is entirely devoted to tracking how many times the aliens are getting laid lately. Here's a scene where the general gets an important briefing about the frequency of alien sexual activity in Europe.

I've watched bits and pieces of a few of these movies, and I couldn't entirely tell you the plot. But here's my feeble attempt. Basically, aliens beam a signal to Earth, which some human scientists eventually decode — and it turns out to be a human genome. An evil corporation decides to grow the results of this genome in the lab, only to find that it grows almost overnight into a nubile, huge-breasted blonde woman with telepathic powers. She escapes from the lab (by using sex, natch) and then goes on the run, having sex with lots of men and using their sex energy to ... do something or other. Long story short, this provides a link that allows lots of other nubile alien women to come to Earth and start sexing men up. The aliens can use humans' orgasmic energy as a devastating energy weapon — as seen in the clip above, where the aliens tear a guy in half using Force Lightning.

Here's an awesome clip where the alien queen instructs her subjects to go out and collect more sexual energy from the humans to "increase our power" and prepare for the final invasion of Earth. Warning: this clip may be NSFW.

I love how the queen of the evil aliens talks like a phone sex operator and plays cheesy piano-bar music over her motivational speeches. That's how you know she's royalty.

So. The other thrilling piece of the puzzle is that the nine-star general's daughter, Katie, was abducted by aliens. And now she's back on Earth, but she's in a coma, where she keeps having dreams about the alien queen. Katie is the crucial piece of the aliens' plan to take over the world — because a U.S. Senator and his eyepatch-wearing minion are going to sacrifice Katie in a Satanic ritual. Just run with it.

Anyway, my absolute favorite bit from the movie is when the alien queen is talking to Katie, while showing her scenes of masturbation, simulated sex, and women tearing holes out of men using their awesome sex energy. Be warned — this scene is most definitely NSFW: