True Blood's season premiere sneaks up on you from behind

True Blood is back! The first episode of the season started with a bang that rocketed us all to Faerieville. But don't worry, it had us back in time to be sexually assaulted by Eric.

Now, let's break down this episode the best way possible. With the True Blood Pro/Con list.

Pro: Sookie is in faerie land with her protector or Faerie Godmother, and old Sooks has an earful for her. "If your job is to look after me, can I just say you suck?" Yes. Yes you can, Sookie. Not that we would expect anything less from you. Enter a new realm and immediately become a total dickhead and insult this new magical band of people right off the bat. But she is 100% right here. Claudine is the worst Faerie Godmother in the history of Faerie Godmothers. Where was Claudine with the lecture about preventative measure one can take to protect themselves from vampire dirt sex UTIs? Nowhere, that's where.

True Blood's season premiere sneaks up on you from behind

Pro: Barry the Faerie is back!

Pro: Barry's faerie godfather's name is Lloyd.

True Blood's season premiere sneaks up on you from behind

Pro: Lloyd's faeriewear.

Pro: So, Sookie is in faerie land with Barry the faerie and a bunch of other faerie folk. They're all idly standing around unquestionably shoveling luminarie fruit into their face holes a la LL Cool J in the "Doin It" video. All of a sudden Sookie's Persephone alarm starts a twittern.' What is this fruit that everyone is smacking about on their lips? This seems suspicious. (Causing me to wonder where was this self awareness in season 1, 2 and 3? But, like so many things True Blood, we must journey on into the vaseline-smeared lens world that is faerie-dom.) But Sookie is right. This fruit is rotten.

Pro: Bill Lumbergh is Sookie's grandpa.

True Blood's season premiere sneaks up on you from behind

Pro: Theme music! Hands Up. PANTS OFF.

(Image via Art Of The Title.)

Pro: You gotta love that right after the exceptionally visceral True Blood titles, the show immediately cuts to the faerie sound stage. Sure, sure they may have (may have) wanted us to feel like this world was fake for the later reveal, but the jarring glare from the deep South high art titles to what one might see inside a New Jersey Shore club called "ROME" is hilarious. And part of the reason I love this show so much.

Con: Pappy Stackhouse seems like a nice enough fella. And even though Sookie is not terribly bothered by the fact that he hasn't aged a day, she knows she must warn him that her internal bad news bell is ringing. Naturally, she tries to talk to him inside her little faerie mind. WAH WAAAH. This is faerie town Sooks. EVERYONE can hear you scream inside your purty little noggin. Cue the giant Mars Attacks faerie Queen.

Pro: You can call me MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAB.

Con: MAAAAB explains that Sookie's dalliance with Vampire Bill allowed him to squirt himself into the faerie world (complete with matching linen pajamas) thus endangering the entire species of "the fae" (which might be a real term that I will have to keep using for the entire season, oh dear). Basically Sookie's night time vampire vajayjay loving and blood draining exposed the fae (ugh) to possible extinction. Sookie responds to this very serious news as only Sookie can: She's like totally over vampires. So no need to fear the death of your species anymore m'kay? Sookie is staying away from vampires and she can "guaran-damn-tee" you that. Seriously she's not dating a vampires, especially when an entire race depends on her keeping it zipp... whoops Sookie just fell on Eric's penis.

I'm not saying I'm siding with someone who calls themselves MAAAAB, but I do see her point.

Con: Now it is time to HARVEST, bellows MAAAAB. Which seems like a totally logical way to explain to someone that their night sex sessions are endangering their species and you would like their help. Good work MAAAAB.

True Blood's season premiere sneaks up on you from behind

Pro: MAAAAB and Sookie get into a fairy fight and Sookie light finger blasts her face. Thus revealing that the luminarie tree is actually a Joshua Tree, solidifying my theory that Bono is actually an evil troll creature that has been feasting on our souls for years via pop rock and sunglasses.

True Blood's season premiere sneaks up on you from behind

Con:Not only did the magical faerie spell mask the hideous troll faces of the fae, but they also transformed the environment, their clothes, hair and their ability to walk like normal bipedal creatures.

True Blood's season premiere sneaks up on you from behind

Con: The fae then proceed to throw magic light grenades at Sookie. This is a real adult show that actual people watch.

Con: Sookie comforts her grandfather during this scary and dangerous moment "Can you keep up?" "I'm trying." "TRY HARDER!" Classic Sookie.

True Blood's season premiere sneaks up on you from behind

Con:"My sister is the one who abducted you because the crown wishes to seal off the human world from faerie forever… it is our right to travel there," says some erm, ah faerie revolutionary? Ugh, fae politics. Guess True Blood can always find a way to shoehorn supernatural politico banter at every occasion, even when magic light grenades are in play.

Pro: Sookie lands back on Earth. Bill wakes up. Eric wakes up. Loins across America wake up.

True Blood's season premiere sneaks up on you from behind

Con: Sooks' pappy dies a horrible death by excessive eyeshadow, because he ate the light fruit. Which means no more Barry unless there's some faerie loophole (which I'm sure there is).

Pro: Someone has cleaned Sookie's house!

Con: Jason Stackhouse everyone! Why is he not shirtless and having sex? Something is wrong....

Con: Sookie is pissed that Jason had the audacity to sell her (her grandmother's) house, after she's been missing for over a year. "I can't believe you gave up on me," she mews. Not, oh dear me, my brother thought I was dead for a whole year, I wonder what that would have done to him mentally? Classic Sookie.

True Blood's season premiere sneaks up on you from behind

Pro: Vampire Bill and Vampire Eric vampire swoosh over to Sookie's home. She's alive, they're elated! Eric throws down the sexy early and hard with the I... Never... Did... delivery. If your hair isn't balanced on goosebumps at this point you are dead inside. He then tops it all off with this little look. Sigh. And it's Eric Loin Fire, 1 Bill, 0.

Pro: And now, Andy Bellefleur ladies and gentlemen! Is there a better character actor than Chris Bauer? No, the answer is no. Watch this amazing Andy delivery. Hear the sound he makes when Bill throws the term "Vampire Business" at him.

True Blood's season premiere sneaks up on you from behind

Pro: And yet, even when I think Eric has Bill beat in the sex vampire department, he delivers a killer. Sookie has all but dismissed him but then makes a noise like she would like Bill to stay. He makes this face. I crumple to the floor.

True Blood's season premiere sneaks up on you from behind

Pro: I'm not necessarily loving Jason the new and improved sexless version. I do like that True Blood paddled a year into the future. Let's be honest, it has been 3 years of TV time that all took place in a couple of months. These characters needed some growth. Not sure where it's going, but it's absolutely different for this series. And True Blood could use a bit of a change (not sure it needs MORE supernatural stuff like were-panthers, troll faeries and witches) but a change could do Bon Temps good.

Pro: Also Sookie has been gone for about a year and everyone has seemingly got their shit together. Just sayin.

True Blood's season premiere sneaks up on you from behind

Con: Moon Goddess Emporeum. Also known as NO WITCHES HERE STORE.

True Blood's season premiere sneaks up on you from behind

Pro: As much as I was fighting the witches plotline Fiona Shaw is killing it as Marnie. She basically transformed herself into Vampire Eddie (who only wanted to watch Heroes and drink wine with Lafayette until he was kidnapped and drained by Jason and his girlfriend). You could almost see Stephen Root's face over her own. Well done. Excited to see more from Marnie.

Pro: Lafayette's fancy new gay Mr. T hairdo (and the fact that he's still with Jesus).

True Blood's season premiere sneaks up on you from behind

Con: Arlene's evil baby is so evil it pulls the heads off Barbie's. Of course it does, True Blood. Subtle.

Pro: The Vampire PSA. Also, big pro to Pam for being so over even attempting to speak with humankind. And another pro for Pam's suit.

Pro: Vampire Bill compliments someone by using the term redoubtable. Oh Bill.

True Blood's season premiere sneaks up on you from behind

Pro: Tara has joined an underground, lesbian, MMA club. That is all.

Pro: Hoyt and Jessica were fighting and it almost broke me into a million little pieces (like Bill did to Sookie's heart snort, snarf, barf) mainly because the fighting was terrible and forced. Thankfully THAT WAS THE POINT. Do not worry everyone, Hoyt and Jessica are still in love. All is right with the world.

Pro: Tara's new name is Toni. OK True Blood, now you're just fucking with me. Seriously this is the cover you choose Tara? Why not a 1930s mobster from Chicago who says myyyaaaaah, carries a Tommy Gun and wears a pinstripe suit. Because THAT would look less like a Halloween costume than this nonsense. She even gave herself a boy's name, so the whole hilarious stereotype would be complete. Amazing. And Tara continues to be The Worst on a show that has rapist vampires and faerie troll people that call themselves MAAAAB.

Pro: Merlotte's is basically the same. Sam's still pretty bitchy, Arlene and Terry are seemingly the same (Arlene may be a touch softer). Sookie still wears a jean miniskirt to reapply for her old job. Same old same old. BUT WAIT IS IT? In walks Tommy (who can't read and was shot by Sam) with Hoyt's Mamma! And what are they all excited about? BISCUITS. Biscuits must be some sort of strange Fortenberry religious trinket because the amount of times Biscuits and Fortenberrys are in the same room is entirely too much to be a coincidence. Lest we forget last year biscuits were the Southern symbol for virginity. Offered up to Hoyt by the pathetic but lovable Summer. She made us all think on our own biscuits and those that rejected them, as tasty as they may be. This year the biscuits appear to represent redemption. Has Tommy found salvation in the biscuits of the Fortenberrys? His new haircut chinos and shit-eating grin seem to say yes. But god knows what side his bread is buttered on (bread metaphors!).

Con: I was having a bit of fun with Tara's Tony! Toni! Toné! alias, but no more. Tara is a terrible liar who tells terrible lies. Her elaborate lesbian fight club character has grown stale for me, and this is only the first episode. Mayhaps it's just because she's lousy at fibbing to her girlfriend. Nobody bought the "my dad just texted me" bid. No one.

Pro: On the positive side Sam has joined a shape shifter supper club. Thus furthering the point that most people are much happier when Sookie isn't around. Also PONIES! Raise your hand if you want to be a part of this club.

Con: I had hoped that since we had jumped a year into the future of Bon Temps the whole Jason is the king of the meth head were-panthers storyline would have evaporated. Alas, it has not. Jason is now the pied piper of this group of backwoods stereotypes. And is then kidnapped. Sigh.

Pro: Back to the witches! Marnie has a funeral for her bird familiar. Which is totally not something I did drunk in my backyard with my best friend at the age of 22. Not at all. On a more important note, Marnie can control the dead. Yay! Bring back my bunny please.

Pro: Bill is the King, and says gooooodevening like an 1950s villain who tied damsels in distress to the train tracks. This can only lead to more excellent (and excessive) Bill banter. Yes. Also, you're going to need to keep channeling this attitude if that haircut is going to stay around Bill.

True Blood's season premiere sneaks up on you from behind

Pro: I think we all know what the biggest pro of the evening was. Eric's bedroom entrance. I know this is 100% wrong and exceptionally aggressive, ahem, BUT. Holy hell. If wanting an actual vampire to boss me around while I'm clutching my hot pink, cotton negligee is wrong, then I don't want to be right. How does Eric get away with this insanity! If Bill tried this nonsense I'd stake him immediately, or laugh. And yet, the gross ego of Eric is a spectacle of sexy.

Con: No Alcide.

And that's it, mostly catch up and new haircuts. So it should be interesting to see what happens next week, until then.

Special thanks to Sci-Fi/Fantasy ScreenCaps for some of the images above.