Last night True Blood was all about weird creepy Mom fetishes. Sookie was Eric's Mom, Nan was Bill's Mom, and then someone had sex with their great-great-great-great grandchild. But this all just really par for course in Bon Temps, isn't it?
You're disgusting True Blood! To the Pro/Con list . . .
Besides the heaps of almost-cock-shots and Pam's wardrobe, I think we can all agree that this episode was a bit so-so. Last night just seemed like a lot of supernatural coddling. You know you've gone too far when stabbing a were-panther in the throat doesn't thrill you like it use to. Let's hope next week Pam gets revenge!
Pro: Eric is drunk. Says, "Heeeeeeey." We've all been there.
Question: When Eric gets drunk off fairy does he then feel the need to drain a person who has just eaten a ton of greasy food, and then later gets the fairy shits all day? I'm just asking. What? Oh now I'm gross, there was an entire plot point in this episode about Bill banging his relative, but sure I'm the gross one. Fine....
Pro: Drunk Eric pinching and slapping Sookies bum. That was kind of adorable.
Pro: Eric playfully asks Sookie to, "catch me." How Sookie restrained herself from screaming YOU GOT IT, I will never know. When Eric wants to play drunkie grab ass, the answer is always, hands up pants off you got it kiddo, time for naked-as-a-jaybird sprints through the woods. Whoopie!
Pro: King Cool Vampire Bill being all tough on Pam. "You're not supposed to think, you're supposed to follow protocol." Alright, it's slightly intimidating.
Pro: Pam, getting in a little dig about Bill's crown.
Con: Bill isn't actually wearing a crown. Get photoshopping, internet!
Con: And now we're back to the "Everyone Rapes Jason" part of this show. Oy. This is just so horrible. Too much, True Blood too much. And just like everyone else in this picture, I'm crying too.
Con: Having to listen to other stories of disgusting sex after witnessing disgusting sex. "Brother husband bites the back of my neck and holds me down until we're finished." Hurp.
Con: True Blood sends in the child to breed with Jason. Dear God, I hate you so much right now True Blood.
Pro: Jason persuades the little girl were-panther into not raping him. Hooray! Was anyone else surprised they didn't go this far? I mean what horrible barriers are there to break after mud sex rape meth were-panther quest 2011? Thank goodness for small favors. Also Jason convinces the girl to set him free. Perhaps this will be the end of this misery once and for all.
Con: It isn't, at least not until next week anyways. There's a whole were-panther chase scene yet to get through.
Pro: A new power suit from Nan's closet makes a cameo. It's fabulous.
Pro: Everything about this Pam and Bill back and forth is spot on hilarious. Nan practically whaps King Cool Vampire's behind with a wooden spoon she's scolding him so hard. She even goes as far to kind of change the mood Mothering him with an odd lay-up question, "How was the execution???? mmmmMMMMMM?" Great scene. Love ya Nanners.
Con: The only downside to this whole thing was Nan's off-the-cuff remarks about the Spanish Massacre which has been brought up and deflected so many times, I think we all know by now that this is definitely not important. Subtlety thy name is True Blood.
Con: Surprise! It's a witch flashback to someplace where everyone is speaking Spanish. I bet this has nothing to do with the SPANISH MASSACRE! And definitely not important at all.
Pro: This doesn't mean I'm anti supernatural flashbacks, I love True Blood bizarro alternate history flashbacks. I just don't need to be told over and over again that the Spanish Massacre is nothing, then flashbacked to it yada yada. Still, always good to go back in time with TB!
Pro: Hey Alcide!
Pro: Alcide IMMEDIATELY starts taking off his clothes. You know what you're here for, pal, let's get to it. Also I guess somebody passed along a memo that man pubes were the rage for 2011 summer TV because last night was all about the almost-supernatural-cock shot. Eric, Alcide, Jason with the disgusting towel, gross child molester Uncle Step-Brother thing, they were all giving upper-thigh man cleav like it was raining dollar bills at Chip 'n' Dales. Is this a thing? [Edit: I meant Chippendales but I think I'm keeping it because now I'm thinking about erotic cartoon chipmunks...go with it]
Con: Meanwhile, back at Merlottes! Maxine and Sam are talking about something which is probably supposed to be important. As happy as I am to see Maxine, this whole scene serves no purpose whatsoever other than to explain to us that Tommy went back to his parents' trailer (LOL because he's poor and can't read). But couldn't we just cut to Tommy? Why is this necessary? The first thing Tommy's rotten Mother says is, I called Merlotte's and got your number. DONE. One less character to have to worry about tonight.
Con: Just when you thought you made it though an episode of True Blood without dry heaving over your diner, in walks Brother Uncle Meth Panther. "He do you right, sex is kind of gross but it feels good Tell Uncle Daddy Felton all about it." No, how about we don't tell anyone about it. Was anyone sad when this character was stabbed to death? No! Is there some sort of quota of revolting True Blood needs to hit each episode?
Con: Back to the witches den at Marni's place. Lafayette, Tara and Jesus is are running around with their hands in the air and Marni is being useless, as usual. I like this actress a lot. But we really need to give her something to do beside feel books for hot spells (which was admittedly cool). I'd like to see Marni using her own will and emotions as opposed to being conduit for inconvenient plot devices.
Pro: On the other hand, this scene reminded me of an old timey Buffy Scooby Meeting.
Pro: Lafayette's desperate attempt to evoke the spirit to "save our fuckin' asses."
Con: Has Jesus taken his shirt off once this season? I CRY FOWL. (b'gawk)
Pro: Everything about Sookie, Eric and Alcide's drunk vampire scene is priceless. It actually made up for the rest of the show being fairly so-so. First, Sookie is following a white wolf and talking about her drunk vampire friend (this is a real thing that happened), Eric is adorable paddling about in the pool screaming at sea monsters and calling Sookie Ron his sea goddess or whatever (Ron!). Alcide werewolf zooms into his naked manself and then starts waving his breasts around and growling. No! That really happened! On actual television.
Obviously, Sookie is unimpressed by all of this. Seriously. Two ridiculously I-live-in-the-gym-menfolk waving around their bits in a fit of madness over herself is just another day in Bon Temps for Sooks. If I had a car, I would hit her with it.
Con: Then the weird mothering starts. Sookie pulls Eric out of the water like a sea sick infant.... it goes on.
Con: But not until the horrific return of Mrs. Mickens. The Mickens talk about Tommy's ability to read for what feels like 7 hours. There's even a scene in the future where Tommy EXPLAINS the trick to reading, which is actually just reading. Oof.
Pro: Sam stops by hot shifter's house and turns from horny pup to Cool Dad Sam. Sam is actually pretty adorable at being a Dad, when he stared up and asked if he could play Barbies he looked like a puppy. Cutie puppy pie.
Pro: When the panthers chase Jason they make that ridiculous stock sound effect "Panther Growl."
Con: Back to the Sookie Bad Mommy fetish phase. I know that Sookie is supposed to hook up with Eric at some point in this season. Otherwise what is the point of him living in your house, becoming a sweeter version of himself, and then hitting on Sookie every 5 minutes like a little boy who stuffs your locker full of dandelions. Obviously. But Sookie is playing into this Mother role so hard it's starting to creep me out. The I'm not a maid, you have to go to bed quips are rapidly shifting from cute sexual tension to blatant and disturbing Mommy issues. She even tells Alcide to "hush" and points to his cubby hole like Eric's a baby! This. Makes. Me. Uncomfortable.
Pro: Sookie strokes Alcide's nipple mid-hug. You wouldn't?
Pro: Jason whittles a giant stake and stabs Felton in the panther neck. Bye Bye Felton.
Con: Just when I think we're out of the woods with the whole Jason meth panther storyline Crystal pops up and screeches, "Let me rub some dirt on there." I swear to god I'm about to start smacking two sticks in the woods Parent Trap style if this horrible panther person doesn't go away! Or at least give me a 3 episode break.
Pro: Bill's on a date! Meeting the parent's of his new non-girlfriend. She can't be his girlfriend because remember he has "an old heart." HA HA HA, good times True Blood. *wipes tear away* But seriously — Vampire Meet The Parents!
Pro: The grandmother is none other than Mrs. Ida Lowry from Brazil. Which is totally what I thought when I saw her. I absolutely, did not scream at my television "HA HA HA WHO'S THE BOSS NOW ANDY!" Nope. Brazil was my first instinct.
Pro: Andy lives with this grandmother. Trundles down the stairs like a 13-year-old on a hot kick the can date. This story line alone is better than the Andy on V-juice stuff. Let's stay here, with Mona.
Pro: Ms. Mona Robinson is all sorts of amazing in this scene. And of course the only person who gets along with her is Bill. They are both old bags of bones that rattle around and say mildly insulting and terrible things. Then everyone laughs because you're just waiting for them to die so you can sell their house. But still, you nailed it Mona. Nailed it. Love the hair, love the pinned shoulder scarf, love you.
Con: On the downside being with another refiiined eldah allowed Bill to act like a galloping jackass. Smarmy Bill Faces Ahoy!
Con: Vampire Vision. Seriously.
Pro: This is the face you make when you realize you've boinked your great, great, great, great grand daughter. *Wah, wah, waaaaah*
Con: Also well done on fitting in even MORE incest into this season Mr. Ball.
Pro: Debbie Pelt is reading a NA book, "It Works, How and Why." Great attention to detail. Take 5 Everyone.
She had better not actually be clean.
Pro: Trash Baby returns.
Pro: Trash Baby writes a hilarious messages on the wall in red highlighter or whatever. Ridiculous. Look, Trash Baby, you're already pretty scary. No need to start ruining your scare cred with THIS nonsense.
Con: Eric is pouting. Is this scene supposed to be sexy? Are emo brats who sit in their rooms screaming at their parents that they JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND attractive? Maybe to a 15-year-old girl who wore Nirvana t-shirts over long-sleeved thermals and corduroy pants they bought from the one shitty-smelling, thrift store in their ritzy suburb (because fuck you Mom and Dad), smoked cloves hidden in the garage, listened to imports (or whatever else they could get their hands on to give them a self-righteous edge over normies who were ALWAYS judging them), and squirreled away back issues of Raygun (what were you reading Rolling Stone, *EYE ROLL* you just don't like get...it). So yeah I guess if you were that girl, I guess she would find pouty babies attractive. Not that I know who that girl is.
Con: "If you kiss me I promise to be happy." Sure this is cute, but it's also disgusting. I want old home intruder fantasy Eric back.
Pro: Bill leaves his incest party and goes straight to Sookie's house. Because he needs to "search-her-house-you're-tearing-me-apart-lisa." We got it bub.
Pro: The whole Bill and Sookie dialog is slightly touching. Watching Sookie just lie to Bill eyes wide shut or whatever was sad, and particularly well acted by the Paqs.
Con: Jason is saved by Jessica. Let's hope the fact that this vampire is bathed in this strange heavenly light actually means nothing at all. I don't think I could handle a Jason/Jessica sex session. That is just wrong. She is a lady.
Con: The Mickens are STILL talking about reading. I mean, if they had books because as we all know, THEY ARE SO POOR OH HOW POOR THEY ARE! THE POOREST!
Con: Jo-Lee Mickens shows up and reenacts all of his scenes from season 3.
Con: So we're doing the Mickens dog fighting story again? Why doesn't Tommy just shifter into a bird and fly off, we know he can do that. We've seen him do that when he and Sam had a hawk-fight like two episodes ago.
Pro: Pam is wearing her business boob tape outfit. And she looks amazing.
Con: Marni burns off half of Pam's face. BIG MISTAKE LADY, not only will you have all the vampires coming after you, but the whole of the True Blood fandom as well. FIX. OUR. PAM.
And that's it folks. Let's hope next week TB ups the scales because I'm gettin' tired of the were-panther and Amelia Bedelia collection of witches. Let's make things happen! Until then I leave you with these questions. When did showing man-pubes become a thing that women/men are allegedly attracted to? And another, how long have Lafayette, Jesus and Tara been chasing around this one story line?
A few of these stills were taken from the Shadow Of The Reflection screencap site (an excellent place for TB stills).