Peter Parker may come across as a wrist-wringing caitiff, but when he puts on that Spider-Man mask, boy howdy! The wall-crawler and his amazing friends become bodice-rippers extraordinaire. Here are 10 scenes of arachnid arousal that deserve to make the Spider-Man reboot.
1.) Spider-Man talks dirty to evildoers
If you need any proof that crime-fighting is a form of sexual sublimation for Spider-Man, here it is.
2.) Spider-Man is excitable
Like the Joker, Spider-Man is inordinately occupied with engorgement. I can't blame the guy — I bet those cross-breezes between the skyscrapers are like motel room magic finger beds.
S 3.) Spider-Man has penis envy
See? He's even curious about Kryptonian anatomy. His accusations of banana hammock artifice betray a deep-seated jealousy of Clark's extraterrestrial turgor.
S 4.) Spider-Man's rogues gallery = total freaks
I don't know where this panel come from, but I'm assuming this fellow here was an honorary member of the Sinister Six, Baba O'Riley Ghanoush, an unlucky soul who was bitten by a radioactive aubergine at a summer stock production of Tommy.
S 5.) Spider-Man slings his web fluid around willy-go-nilly
I feel bad for Aunt May. She's like a bizarro Archie, forever condemned to spend her existence doddering around with a quizzical look on her face, eternally entombed in a mid-priced home off of the F train.
S 6.) Spider-Man and Mary Jane have a nude photo album
Sweet Moses Malone, Peter. Why did you trade your marriage to the Devil in exchange for Aunt May's life? Your poor sweet aunt has spent the last 49 years trapped in the body of the Tollund Man, praying for death.
And when she's mere moments away from entering Marvel Comics Heaven, you magically divorce your peep-show-loving wife. First side note: do you think their erotic photo collection survived "One More Day?" I'll write that story, seriously.
S 7.) Spider-Man invents sex acts
Second side note: do not Google "Spider-Man horny" with Safe Search off. Unless you want to see Peter Parker in flagrante delicto with George Jetson, that is.
8.) Deadpool once killed the nude clones of Aunt May and Uncle Ben
Speaking of being caught in the act, Deadpool was once privy to an eyeful of nude clones of Uncle Ben and Aunt May (who I'm pretty sure was proper dead at the time).
To be fair, he was being attacked by an army of clones that looked like dead superheroes, so you can't blame the guy for overreacting.
9.) Spider-Man shills phallic knives
Every now and then a narcissistic superhero needs to paint a plantain in his colors and wave it around to remind citizens to get their RDA of Potassium. See also: a particularly ill-conceived Spider-Man toy.
10.) Spider-Man inspires sexy panics on slow news days
A few years back, a Nebraska mother was concerned that the Spider-Man comics in her children's school library were too hot for tots. Not an outlandish complaint, but local news — who had run out of puppy birth announcements and footage of donkeys wearing straw hats at state fairs — ran with it.
It's somewhat unfair to brand Spidey as a corrupter of innocence — the man knows his way around a teen pregnancy. See?
On that note, play us out, Mary Jane.
You too, Scarlet Spider.
You three, Stan "the" Man Griffin.