Dear vampire God, last night's True Blood was a whole lotta nothing for a long damn time. There were about 45 minutes of important vampire meetings and then five minutes of vampire screaming into the wind.
But let's break it down pro/con style, shall we? Spoilers ahead...
Con: Once again a security guard at King Vampire Bill's fortress is playing Plants vs Zombies. Good job at being a security guard, everyone.
Con: Also this would be the second mentioning of zombies on this show, and later on Pam yells at a pack of pedestrian gawkers that she's "NOT A ZOMBIE." Going by the gentle smack-the-audience-in-the-head-foreshadowing technique that Alan Ball loves to sprinkle throughout True Blood, it's safe to say that we'll probably have to deal with zombies sometime in the future. Sigh.
Con: Speaking of Pam, our main rotting lady is about to take out her vengeance on Tara's new lady friend. But she's stopped because a bunch of locals have pulled out their cell phone camera devices and squawk out the fact that TMZ will pay 10,000 caboodles for a hum-dinger of a vampire video, or something. Basically, TMZ is the hero of this story.
Pro: Also on this note, real references are real! I do so love how shoe-horned "reality" is in this show. I love the random shout outs to Google and Fox News. It's totally natural, just like I'm always walking around asking my friends if they want to get a Coca-Cola product while we shop for Reebok sneakers. It's not product placement, it's quality supernatural grounding material. Vampire Bill uses Dr. Pepper Lip Smackers, just like us! I'm aware that name-checking TMZ is supposed to make me feel like this vampire alternate reality is really real! But in order for you to distend my grasp on reality, you probably shouldn't have made a bunch of were-panthers rape my favorite character for three episodes. Or just not have were-panthers at all. That might help me swallow the fact that there a fairy war happening in another dimension, and they all need Starbucks Frappuccinos! Seriously this is not a Con, this is a Pro. Because this is the delusion-fodder that I drink up. I drink your milkshake,True Blood, I drink it up!
Con: Sorry about bringing up the Fairy War, did you remember that too? I wonder if the brother troll fairy and the sister troll fairy (MAAAAB) are still fighting over who will get banished to television obscurity first?
Pro: Anyway, no time to talk about the eight other forgotten plots on this show, there's a new plot. LaLa and Jesus are clutching each other while Jesus makes the "WHY YOU HIT ME IN THE FACE WIT' A SNAKE?" Face.
Pro: Surprise! The old guy was fucking his wife while you were dying, Jesus. Because it's been eight minutes, and we haven't talked about banging yet on True Blood!
Pro: "Can we go back to how I'm a medium?" Thank you, Lala.
Pro: Meanwhile at werepuppy hangout, Alcide and Debbie are initiated into the club. Everyone does a wereperson howl. Because they're wolves, duh.
Pro: Meanwhile pouty werewolf Alcide is pouty. I'm starting to get even further on Team Debbie here. Stop sitting the corner and join the very lame howl party, or go home, Alcide. Nope, instead they have to go find some girl in the woods who always manages to get into trouble or else Alcide is going to ruin the party for everyone. Big werewolf baby.
Con: Debbie and Alcide smell out Sookie and Eric's Bambi sex cuddle fest 2011. And then stare at it. I feel like they're disappointed as well. I mean look at their faces. This is not the way Eric should have made his grand Sookie-sex debut. We all expected something a bit more Sookie tied to a burning tree while Eric hovered and screamed Viking curses, mid-coitus. But yeah woodland cuddling with ever-so-soft moans. That's much better.
Pro: Sad Bill pours himself some blood. And I notice what else he has in his bar, it's some sort of sake liqueur called TY KU. And of course of all the ridiculous things he can't drink that King Cool Vampire Bill would have in his bar, it would be a bottle of sake liqueur that lights up. On three everyone, 1, 2, 3...Cool Cats!
Pro: It would seem that no one can pronounce the new big bad witch's name without jerking into a Spanish accent, ANTONIA GAVILAN OF LOGRONO!
Pro: Vampire Bill and the horrible Spanish Vampire that raped the old witch in the new body (ANTONIA GAVILAN OF LOGRONO!) vampire suicides himself, thus turning himself into vampire jelly. One of my favorite things about this series is that all these vampire deaths leave terrible stains on everyone's carpet. And, no matter what, you always see someone cleaning up the mess. Ginger, Jessica, Bill, it's hilarious. Were-panthers mud infection sex needs no explanation beyond the mindless ramblings of a meth fable about ghost daddy. Same goes for ghosts just appearing now (and yet we've seen no other unjustly murdered spirits roaming about). But kill a vampire, let's make sure we block a scene where somebody is cleaning that shit up. Classic True Blood.
Pro: Tara dumps her girlfriend. This is a smart move.
Con: We all know that girl isn't going anywhere and will show up right at the worst moment to be help at fangpoint by Pam or something. They'll probably say fangpoint, too. Or vampire-napped.
Pro: Additional points to Tara for Harry and the Hendersonsing her girlfriend out the door. "Why can't you go back where you came from! Leave us alone! GO! GOO!"
Pro: Jason is doing his sex aerobics.
Pro: Hoyt comes in to check on Jason, because Jason was raped. Hoyt is the best. Meanwhile Jason can't even stand to be close to Hoyt with his sexual cravings for Jessica. So he does the next best thing and starts throwing sloppy joes at him. This is a classic maneuver.
Con: Bill takes a vampire meeting with Jessica. Says ANTONIA GAVILAN OF LOGRONO!
Con: Bill takes a vampire meeting with the rest of his kingdom's vampire sheriffs. Says "silver ourselves" a lot.
Con: Sookie and Eric physically fuck back to her house. Then start having sex in her front foyer with the door open. We've all been there, right? WRONG.
I know this is supposed to demonstrate unbridled passion but all I can think was, One: That rug looks dirty. And Two: This seems kind of rude to the neighbors. I'm all for passionate love making but, I think there's a reason I've rarely walked down the street to copious couples boinking in their door frames. Not saying this doesn't happen, this is just AGAIN, not what I was hoping to get from the fucking vampire WHO CAN FLY.
Con: More montages of same old same old vampire sex with a cello playing in the background. Remember when this was the show where one vampire physically ripped another vampires head off, then turned it around so he could stand having sex with her? This bedtime canoodle session is a leather jacket and a shark away from you know what.
Con: Eric makes this smiley face while cuddling in the pastel printed sheets in Sookie's house. The last part of my sexual attraction to the Vampire Viking shrivels up and dies.
Pro: All I can say after that disaster is, THANK GOD FOR PAM, and her amazing Vampire spa day. Plus this little vampire skin waxing session heralds the return of the little old smack-talking doctor lady. Cheers!
Pro: Bill stops by Sookie's house and asks if their "reunion was a happy one." Which, in Bill language, is a pretty pervy way to ask your ex if she just had sex. Eric, his head now filled with cotton thanks to the writers at True Blood, says yes! Sookie chastises him, like a small child, to hush! This probably only fuels Sookie's disturbing mommy fetish, "Go to your room Eric, and put on that little Raggedy Andy outfit I've set out for you on top of your bed."
Con: This odd post-vampire sex reunion turns into another vampire meeting.
Pro: Tara gives her best Incredible Hulk hitch-hiker walk... runs into evil Marnie.
Con: Tara starts giving Marnie shit for talking about herself in the third person. Dear Christ kid, have you not been around the last few episodes. It's all you can do to not talk about yourself or your fake self in the third person.
Con: Marnie is basically taking a meeting with Tara to ask Tara to make more meetings with other witches so they can have a big meeting later.
Pro Ginger returns! Just in time to shoot Pam in the face with the very painful skin growing serum, and tucks the pissed off Pam into her Barbie coffin.
Con: Then there's a bunch of scenes where everyone gets silvered. They all talk about how it hurts, then sit there and talk about love or something while grimacing and making exasperated sighs. Can we have Nazi vampire werewolf flashbacks? Or Piano cat bill back? Please?
Con: Tara takes some witch meetings at Merlottes. Apparently the vampire revolution WAS built in a day.
Pro: Sam goes into see Luna (if you remember, his little brother shifted into Sam, and also managed to shift into Luna while wearing his Sam skin). Anyways, it was awful and probably a form of rape, but I'm not sure what the legal jurisdiction of shape-shifting sex crimes are, but it was horrible none the less. Sam says he feels sick, WE ALL FEEL SICK. Anyways, they both figure it out. Here's their "Shit, I/you fucked your/my brother" face.
Con: Also, this will be the 1,001th time Sam tries to kill Tommy, kicks him out, and tells him that what he's done is unforgivable or something. He'll be back in two weeks.
Pro: Before going on her date with Andy, Jessie from Toy Story 2 pushes up the girls.
Con: Arlene makes it a point to call out Andy's Winn-Dixie roses. Boo. (Classic Arlene).
Con: Andy ruins his date. And takes back the roses. Come on Andy, we're all rooting for you! Let's kill this stupid V-Juice addiction plot line already. It would be real, actual fun to watch regular awkward Andy go on a date.
Pro: Lala has a new hair-do.
Con: Attractive ghost lady is singing.
Pro: First time seeing Alcide havin' sex! Hey Alcide!
Pro: Debbie Pelt crumbles, admitting she thinks Alcide is in love with Sookie. He denies everything (in a very sweet and loving manner). I don't believe him. TEAM DEBBIE.
Pro: ANTONIA GAVILAN OF LOGRONO! EVERYONE! *cue dramatic witchy entrance*
Pro: "Vampires are not immortal, they are only harder to kill."
Pro: Sam sits spread-eagle while waiting for Tommy to wake up.
Pro: Cue the mystical winds of witchy magic and the hilarious wails from the possessed vampires. This. Was. Weird. But also this was quality True Blood schlock, so I kind of loved it. The best part of the whole ordeal has to be Ginger riding Pam's shaking coffin, screaming and hollering. Ginger is good people. (see above clip)
Con: Jessica escapes because Bill doesn't properly silver her, even after all of the many silvering meetings. Bill also only assigns ONE guard on both him and Jessica, and his name is Bucky. Vampire King Fail.
Con: Jessica jumps into the sun. This is not an acceptable plot direction, True Blood.
Until next week when Jason saves Jessica — here's hoping.
Some of these screencaps were taken from Shadow Of Reflection an excellent place for True Blood images!