Teenage life is filled with nefarious temptations, such as premarital hand-holding, Mad Dog 20/20, and those burgeoning Juggalo communes which have riddled our nation like so many grease-painted termites, spreading their ongoing smear campaign against ferromagnetism.
Luckily, some teenagers in Arizona are taking a stand against the filth overwhelming America and have found a higher calling...in demonology. Meet Reverend Bob Larson's Teenage Exorcist Girl Squad. Sabrina, beware.
Larson — whose fire-and-brimstone anti-Satan roadshow has not been without controversy — recently spoke with letter-of-the-day newspaper The Daily Mail about his five fresh-faced Satan-smashers, whom he trained at his Spiritual Freedom Church.
Although he manages oodles of exorcists, Larson maintains that this crack ingenue team is particularly proficient at compelling the power of Christ:
Think of it more of an exorcist franchise [...] The Church just can't keep up with demand. But I have 100 teams of trained exorcists working all over the world, and outbreaks of demonic possession are getting out of control.
Our phone lines are ringing constantly - we receive up to 1,000 individual requests monthly, and we travel to countries like Africa, Ukraine, England and even Australia. [...] We have found that our female, teenage exorcists are particularly effective at curing the possessed [...]
Larson's own daughter Brynne is among the Reverend's coterie of Teenage Prudent
Girls. Sadly, the life of a pre-collegiate exorcist doesn't allow for much leisure time. When you spend your days off exorcising a woman "of an evil curse, after she was cursed by a Nigerian witchdoctor over the Internet" (Daily Mail's words, not mine), there's no time for ogling sparkling dream boat Robert Pattison:
I think Harry Potter and Twilight are instigators of evil [...] I don't watch any television at all. I'm much too busy praying and fighting the devil.
Brynne performed her first exorcism at the age of "13, in Africa, on a man possessed by terrible demons." She roped her friends into her dad's demonology racket after performing an exorcism on one of her classmates. Peer pressure, it can be used for anything!
Larson may owe some inspiration ducats to a certain dollar-store horror movie from 1991. Also, like all absolutely pressing news stories, the girls' Satanic duels have earned them NMA News immortality.
UPDATE 8/15: Aaaand the girls are getting their own (Canadian?) reality show. Will it be more successful than Canada's other forays into reality television? And isn't reality television Satan's dominion anyway?
Here's the synopsis (via eagle-eyed wunder-commenter TheRonaldBrown):
Canadian indie producer Cineflix is developing the series All-American Girls Fighting Satan, about five teen girl exorcists training to cast Beelzebub's black-winged minions from the lives of ordinary Americans under the tutelage of Reverend Larson of the Spiritual Freedom Churches [...] Cineflix added that, while the five teens are not fending off evil in suburban America, they find time to attend beauty pageants, or play sports like horseback riding and karate.
Will people watch this? Yes. Why? Because as a civilization we err towards the horrid. Also, everyone likes horseback riding.
Top photo: Exorcists Savannah Shurkenback and Brynne Larson by Daily Mail/Coleman-Rayer