The True Blood Ménage à Trois You Never Knew You Didn't Want!

Dreams (almost) came true (for some viewers) last night! We (almost) got to watch Bill and Eric gingerly cross their vampire swords, but Sookie was there and ruined it! Ah well, get ready for a face full of sexy vampire Sax Man and vaseline-smudged lenses — we're going into Sookie's brain.

It's Pro/Con time!

Pro: Snaps to True Blood for painstakingly planting the groundwork of the Vampire Tolerance Maypole Dance or whatever. Notice how True Blood made damn sure you knew the Tolerance Day was at hand right down to Nan's "I'll see you at that tolerance thing on the 29th" in the "Previously on True Blood" round-up? Because what is this show if not 100% logical. Making sure that the Tolerance Day has been well mentioned and planned, and not shoehorned into the plot as some giant event in which to set another vampire disaster. Nope. Having a fairy-troll-goblin run up and blurt "My sister and I have been fighting a fairy civil war for the fairy crown no you can't leave if you eat the fairy fruit now quickly jump into this fairy crevasse." But the Tolerance Day Fair? That took days to build up.

The True Blood Ménage à Trois You Never Knew You Didn't Want!S

Con: Anyways, on to the actual "show" part of the show. Sookie's been shot. Hooray! But like all cliffhangers on this show, it means nothing. Sookie is saved, Jessica was not obliterated by the light, Jason was not eaten by werepanthers, Tara's girlfriend didn't get eaten by Pam, and so on. Maybe one day they will act out one of their cliffhangers, but it's probably not going to be the main character of the series. Actions are fairly meaningless on this series ever since they buried Russell Edgington in a pit of cement. Team Russell.

The True Blood Ménage à Trois You Never Knew You Didn't Want!S

Pro: Hey Alcide! The wolf giant is carrying Sookie to safety, only to be pushed down by Beeeell. Take that dogboy!. The dog makes...I guess we can technically call these "angry puppy eyes" now? Because they kind of look like the plastic buttons we all chewed on that made up our stuffed animals' dead amber eyes. And then, once inside, Bill adds insult to injury and screams at poor Alcide, "Werewolf, I'm gonna need you to shut the fuck up!"

Con: The two menfolk hover nervously over Sookie vapidly pontificating over who will listen to their prayers?

Bill: "We caahn praay."
Alcide: "A werewolf and a vampire, who's gonna listen?"
Bill: "That I do nah know."

And there you have it. Bill (with a little help from Alcide) has outdone himself. You have just made another person's tragedy all about you, again. Sookie may be dying, but man it's hard to be a vampire/werewolf. Congrats Bill, you've just spread "the worst" all over our Alcide.

The True Blood Ménage à Trois You Never Knew You Didn't Want!S

Pro: Meanwhile, in Witch Land, ANTONIA GAVILAN OF LOGRONO! found a poster about the Vampire Intolerance Festival (of course she did). This is just a great example of seeding important plot threads throughout your story.

Pro: ANTONIA GAVILAN OF LOGRONO! actually screams out, "MY NAME IS ANTONIA!!!!!" when someone calls her Marnie. It's like they're reading our minds!

Pro: She also keeps referring to Eric as "blonde one."

Con: Long story short, new Marnie is awful now and her team of witches are like, "Whoa, we didn't know we were going to get into a war when we showed up with silver weapons and guns stuffed with wooden bullets at a cemetery and then physically attacked the vampires with said weapons that we brought...to the meeting....where you said we would kill the vampires." These people are idiots.

Con: Sookie wakes up. Is not dead.

Con: Also, no one really explains how she recovered from her gunshot wound as Bill explained earlier she was unconscious and couldn't drink his blood. Did she wake up and drink his blood? Was there some sort of injection of Bill blood? Pshaw with your details. Sookie is fine. The end.

Con: Alcide leaves in a huff because Sookie is immediately concerned about when she's going to start humping her straw-colored man-child vampire boyfriend again.

The True Blood Ménage à Trois You Never Knew You Didn't Want!S

Pro: Debbie is up late watching Cheaters and freaking out about Alcide. We've all been there. (More proof as to why Debbie is the best).

Pro: Alcide takes off his bottoms. Hey Alcide.

Pro: Alcide nuzzles Debbie's back like a puppy.

The True Blood Ménage à Trois You Never Knew You Didn't Want!S

Con: Debbie. Is. Not. Having. Any. Of. It.

The True Blood Ménage à Trois You Never Knew You Didn't Want!S

Pro: And now, back at King Vampire Cool Bill's house, Jessica is venting to a bored Nan who just shuts the poor little baby vampire down immediately. All my love to Jessica for just draping herself across the desk and finding something annoying to fiddle during her spectacular mope. Nan, Jessica, thank you for saving this episode with this one moment.

The True Blood Ménage à Trois You Never Knew You Didn't Want!S

Pro: Bill's pissed face.

Con: Bill, Nan, and Jessica silver themselves and go underground. Thus meaning that Nan is now aware of this massive witch disaster. They then spend the next few minutes arguing vampire politics and playing the blame game. And while it's really fun to watch Bill flop his bangs around in a temper tantrum, this whole back-and-forth is just petty and boring and not interesting at all. What happened to THE AUTHORITY, what about all the secret vampire police who pulled strings to get Bill in power, where's the conspiracy, the intrigue? I love Nanners, but I dislike listening to two grown-ass adults screaming "Nyaaah 'snot my fault" just about as much as I enjoy returning home on Christmas to a chorus of shrieks from my own family. Grow up, shut up, and pass the wine, you six-foot tall baby.

Also, if you're not going to enlighten us about vampire politics then stop talking vampire politics altogether.

Pro: Meanwhile Jessica continues to sob in the corner. Thus continuing to be the best.

The True Blood Ménage à Trois You Never Knew You Didn't Want!S

Con: Speaking of Hoyt, it's time for him to wake up! And what's the first thing he notices? Jessica's Taylor Swift CD. Awww. Of course she listens to Taylor Swift. But instead of being understanding, he packs up the rest of Jessica's things (did you catch the paperback of Twilight?) and cruelly labels the box, "For You, Monster." Too far Hoyt. Too far.

The True Blood Ménage à Trois You Never Knew You Didn't Want!S

Pro: I would also like to take this moment to point out the amount of leather-jacket-wearing on just this one episode of True Blood.

The True Blood Ménage à Trois You Never Knew You Didn't Want!S

Con: Sookie, having sucked the blood of Bill Compton, is now having "sexy" three-way dreams. And I put "sexy" in quotes for a very specific reason — if you caught the clip above you would note all the cheesetastic things happening inside Sookie brain. Note, Eric blinks to chime, the vaseline lens, and of course the SEXY SEXY SAX.

Con: Old Sooks must have some sort of sad "shirtless 80s sax man" fantasy.

Con: Congratulations True Blood, not only have you ruined Vampire Yahtzee and Vampire Viking Sex for me, you've now ruined Vampire Three-Way forever and ever. Death by sax man.

Pro: Anyone else notice that when Sookie yells at Bill and Eric in her dream to shelax, they both retract their teeth to the sound one makes biting into an apple?

Pro: But no time for dashing dreams of interesting vampire three-ways! Let's see what Tommy Mickens is up to! Awww, he's trying to write Sam a goodbye note, but instead he decides to meddle in Sam's business even further as a misguided thank you. Even though I'm exhausted by all of these plot lines, I still love it that Tommy is such a twat to everyone he meets. The snotty little "Well, Marcus He-Knows-Who-I-Am," retort got a good laugh out of me.

The True Blood Ménage à Trois You Never Knew You Didn't Want!S

Con: Remember the Trash Baby story line that isn't really about a Trash Baby at all? Yeah, it's still around and it's terrible. In fact, it takes up the majority of this episode by basically retelling every single ghost story told! Enter one angry ghost. Ghost causes trouble for citizens. Citizens find ghosts remains. Ghost goes home. THE END. It not only killed the amazing evil Trash Baby, but it was just Casper retread nonsense. There were a few good things to come out of it, and I'll pro/con them quickly below. But the overall side story was a giant con (most of the pros have to do with Andy making lemonade out of his lemon and shit V-juice addict storyline that was also smashed into this blender of disaster).

Pro: Andy forgot the pants to give to Hoyt.

Pro: Andy's loud and totally illegal war cry before he kicked down the door ended with, "And Jesus Christ him-fucking-self." I'm going to use that all the time when I need to kick something.

Pro: Terry is generally awesome. Arlene is pretty good for the freaking out I would expect from her character (kind of loved that she asshole-ly looked under the couch cushions for her baby).

The True Blood Ménage à Trois You Never Knew You Didn't Want!S

Pro: Lafayette/Mavis makes the exact same face we all make when we hear Jesus exclaim that he's a BRRRRRUJJJJJJJOOOOOOO. Like anyone knows what that is my friend.

Con: Every time Lafayette/Mavis says "I want tu hooooooold him."

CON: Also this line, "Oh no! How I make a baby with this, me?"

The True Blood Ménage à Trois You Never Knew You Didn't Want!S

Con: Mavis jumps out of Lala's face like so.

Pro: Mavis: "Thank you for everything."
Lafayette: "You got it, bitch." And we're back!

Pro: Debbie starts using V-Juice again and drops the C-word LIKE A BOSS. She's coming back around! Slippery slope! Slippery slope!

Pro: Debbie, SURPRISE FLOWERS! HA HA HA HA HA HA NOT A GUN LOL LOL Sookie's face. They proceed to have a nice talk and you think that Debbie's heart might be in the right place. The world hopes it's not. Also, kudos to Debbie, she's just amazing at playing a struggling train wreck.

Con: True Blood reminds us that their horrible attempt at a "vampires kill" viral campaign is still up and kicking.

The True Blood Ménage à Trois You Never Knew You Didn't Want!S

Pro: The tolerance fair has a coffin display and balloons that spell "Tolerance." Ha! That's much better than marches and stuff. Oof.

Pro: Bill and Nan are still bickering and acting like assholes. Bill: "It's like having a civil rights protest without any black people." Nan: "They're called African Americans." Guys, it's OK. You're both terrible.

Con: "Sommy" shows up to the motorcycle werewolf rally and gets his ass beat. Note to Alcide, when someone tells you they just want you to show up to a fight, that is definitely not going to be a fight we just need you there because you "look" big. Don't be surprised when the tiny petite werewolf leader gets into a fight.

Pro: Alcide is barking mad. Literally.

Con: Luna sneaks into Sam's tent (oh right I didn't mention this earlier because it was creepy and gross). Basically Luna's kid wanted to pet a bunny so Sam shifted into a bunny so she could, I don't know, pet his legs and back. It's gross. All of it. I pretended it didn't happen. Anyways, now Sam and Luna had separate tents (cause respect the kid yada-yada) but all that's thrown out the window when the two start having crazy loud sex in the middle of the woods within a 5 yard radius of her daughter.

Con: ANTONIA GAVILAN OF LOGRONO! shows up and un-tolerances the tolerance fair. SCREAMS TAKE YOUR TOLERANCE AND SHOVE IT. Roy says "awesome" or whatever for the thousandth time. Can we skip to the point where he dies a gruesome death? We all know that's going to happen.

Pro: Jason gives back Jessica her box of TAYLOR SWIFT STUFF and crosses off the nasty Hoyt comment on the side of the "Monster Box." Awww.

The True Blood Ménage à Trois You Never Knew You Didn't Want!S

Pro: Jessica gives Jason her best "wounded come hither eyes."

The True Blood Ménage à Trois You Never Knew You Didn't Want!S

Pro: Cut to Jessica and Jason boinking in the back of his pickup to Taylor Swift's "Haunted" (now we see why this product placement was so prominent). I've read a lot of silly comments online asking, "Why are they having sex in the back of a pick-up when there are plenty of lovely beds?" My answer? BECAUSE THEY CAN. Because this is a show that is about vampires having sex, and lately all we've been seeing is vampire eskimo kissing in the snow or super-hardcore cuddling with soft hump-humps in the woods. THIS is what I signed up for by giving True Blood four years of my life. No soft woodland moans of a mild-mannered vampire. PICK-UP TRUCK SCREAM SEX. Yes, thank you. Cheese and crackers.

And that's it. Saved by Jessica. AGAIN. I don't really know how I feel about Hoyt and Jessica being dunzo for good, but I know it's still entertaining. Hopefully Jessica won't turn into shit or die like everything else Jason puts his ding-a-ling in. Until next week everyone!

Some of these stills were taken from Lady Mason, a great place for True Blood screencaps.