This week on True Blood, we got our favorite vampire back, FINALLY. But have Sookie's underbits damaged his brain for good? Possibly, only time will tell! Until then, cue the vampire slo-mo, it's time for the Pro/Con list.
Let's be honest. This episode existed for one reason and one reason only — as a set up for next week's vampire versus witch showdown. Everything else (including one character's death, some werewolf stuff and an important V-juice intervention) was just getting in the way of the death match. Poor Tommy.
Pro: We're still at the Vampire Tolerance Fair. And much like the many sit-ins and marches that came before this fair, the all-important mylar Tolerance balloons are still intact.
Con: The long-haired, less attractive version of magical Terry is still screaming about how cool everything is next to Marnie. How is he not dead yet? You know what's great about the many lap animals of villains across the television world (see: Inspector Gadget's Dr. Claw's cat, Gargamel's cat)? They don't speak. Take a lesson from the great evil feline sidekicks, Roy. Shut the hell up.
Pro: More stands at the Tolerance Fair are revealed. A Mystic Tanning salon, a Dentist and a True Blood station.
Pro: King Cool Vampire Bill pulls out a gun to fight off Mind Controlled Vampire Eric, looks ridiculous doing so.
Pro: Nan loses her shit, pushes over all of the cameras (which doesn't actually turn them off) and kills one of her Marnie Possessed Vampire Sheriffs with a pencil. DEATH BY PENCIL. Anyone else noticing that the vampire deaths are getting a lot less spluttery than the first time we witnessed Sookie stake that long haired vamp at Fangtasia?
Pro: Sookie screams and pulls at her sweatshirt in a desperate attempt to calm the vampires. The blonde baboon paws at her colorful hoodie, pointing and exclaiming, "Hearts, Hearts, Heeeaaaarrrrtsssss!" Or something like that.
Con: Screaming proving to be ineffective, Sookie uses the "True Blood fix-it" button and Light Finger Blasts all over Eric's face.
Pro: Everyone makes this face. As you do while being Light Finger Blasted. (No, you're gross).
Pro: Eric is back. PANTS OFF.
Pro: I'm pretty sure in the collection of important Eric memories I caught the Talbot death scene and a Russell Edgington meet-and-greet. Since True Blood is usually so light handed at the foreshadowing I think we can all assume that the greatest vampire of all times is about to head back to Bon Temps. Oh, I'm also pretty sure I saw this scene tucked in there somewhere as well.
Pro: Bill has Eric in a chokehold and is doing some sort of Karate Kid-meets-the-claw maneuver with his hands. He then turns around and hisses like a cat at ANTONIA GAVILAN OF LOGRONO! Intimidating, you're doing it wrong. See: every moment Eric was around before he was
Pro: Eric and Sookie trade knowing glances. And then some non-knowing glances, and then a few other glances. Ahem. Eric get back to the sassy talk hair flips and chain fucking please. Meanwhile Bill makes this face and pouts off.
Con: Jessica is pretty callous about screwing her ex-boyfriend's best friend. Then again, she's been kicked out of her own house and doesn't seem to have any friends besides Bill. Hell, last week she was confiding in Nan. I wonder if they're setting this little vamp up for an exceptionally dramatic cliff-hanger finale?
Pro: Jason asks Jessica to glamour him to rid him of his sex guilt. I love this stuff. Supernatural cures for common day problems are infinitely more interesting than a trip to fairy land. It's great world building and much more accessible for the audience. For instance, when Jessica glamoured Hoyt after she told him she was drinking another guy at Fangtasia, that was brilliant. So is this Jason and Jessica exchange. It's almost a violation to Jessica. Jason makes Jessica feel wanted, sexy and human. But when he asks for her magic, he takes that all away, she's a monster again. But then again, she is being a little bit of a monster. Sleeping with her ex's best friend, that's a pretty dick move. Either way, I wish more of the True Blood characters would use these wild supernatural powers in more mundane manners, it's much more interesting.
Con: The world's dumbest flock of witches are complaining that their cell phones don't work in their magical prison. Sigh.
Con: Meanwhile, back at King Cool Vampire Bill's house. Nan and Bill are fighting again. About more vampire politics. The Authority, The Authority, Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.
Pro: Nan reveals that she has unleashed Glamour Squad all across Shreveport.
Pro: Eric and Sookie are talking (not having chain gang sex). BUT, and maybe this is wishful thinking, there seems to be more "weight" to Eric. He's talking an awful lot about feelings (which isn't good) but he seems a lot less, "Baby thirsty baby need bah-bah," than he was before. Which may turn Sookie off entirely! So, win-win for all of us!
Con: Sookie tells Eric that she is still in love with Bill, Eric begins to pout like a pissed-off child. Hmmm. How does someone who has been on this Earth for years and years and years not understand that love is complicated. I'm not buying this. Has mind-wiped Eric made regular Eric slightly stupid?
Pro: Eric just said "I love you." WEIRD.
Pro: Pam is weepy around Eric but bucks up when Sookie sees her getting emotional.
Pro: Old Eric makes his first real comeback. Bill explains his plan of attack on the witches (blow them up) Eric leans against the side of the wall and starts getting exceptionally sassy. Yes, thank you, yes. Sookie is annoyed (of course she is).
Con: Switch plots. Alcide has brought the badly beaten Tommy to Sam. Tommy is dying and Alcide says "He's got a right to choose his time." Excuse me, but does Alcide even know who these people are? Sam then allows Tommy to die…because he's lived a full life now that he's what, 21? This is fucked on every level.
Con: ALICIDE IS STILL THERE ON TOMMY'S DEATHBED TELLING HIM ABOUT HEAVEN. At what point is Sam going to turn to Alcide and say, "I'M SORRY WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AGAIN?" Hey Alcide, stop bogarting Tommy's death. OK?
Con: Tommy dies. Look, the actor who played Tommy was pretty damn good. But no one utilized this character. I'm not sad to see him go, but I'm sad that the writers had to cycle around his dog-fighting story from last season to get to this skinwalker nonsense, and then immediately kill him. This show could definitely use a few less characters, but why not kill off all the new witches, the cowgirl from Toy Story witch, Marcus, Luna, all of Jesus' relatives before we start killing off decent actors. Ah well, BYE BYE baby puppy shifter. Thanks for giving us that one speech about not knowing how to read and waving your pubes around and such. You will be missed (you won't).
Con: I guess this means we get bad-ass Sam again. I kind of liked Barbie-playing Sam the best, to be honest.
Pro: Hoyt shows up and does the very sad cry/hate speech that we all give deliver at one point or another during a break-up. This usually hits around the time that your shit probably should be pulled together, but it just hasn't yet. Hence the need for a change in scenery. Hoyt's mourning period if going to be a long one. And I'm right there with you buddy, especially with the whole "smelling the ex" factor. Acqua Di Gio will forever transport me back to the vomit-caked halls of my misspent freshman year and the grind house dance session shared between one girl, one boy, and the stirring sounds of soulDecision's "Faded."
Pro: Jason has a cooler of beer in the middle of his living room.
Pro: Terry wakes up Andy with the classic Mom, "Open your eyes Mister." He then informs Andy that he's not OK with the drugs that he has brought into his home filled with his children (neither are we). It's time for a Terry intervention. Terry tells Andy they need to go to the Fort Bellefleur.
Pro: Fort Bellefleur is a real fort. I did not see this coming.
Con/Pro: So let's go ahead and address this whole "Andy Intervention" side story. Needless to say, it's a frustrating departure from the actual action in the TV series. It seems to slow down the whole show. In fact, the next scene is Sookie and Jason talking about how Bill is going to blow up their friend, WHILE HAVING BREAKFAST. Anyways. Terry and Andy are the best. They are the best actors on this entire series, they're given the best lines, and they can pull off ridiculous (and awesome) quotes such as, "On behalf of Renard Parish, the State of Louisiana, and Jesus Christ his fucking self."
So it pains me to see these two amazing character just wasted on this V-juice intervention plot. We've dealt with V addiction before, it's not that interesting when there aren't wacky blood trips and feats of strength accompanying the high. Andy has simply been acting like he's on coke for the last few episodes. And like people on cocaine, it's annoying. These two are wonderful, but this whole, "let's shoot straight until you're a straight shooter" bull crap is a waste of everyone's time. Give these two something better to do.
Pro: Sookie, Jason, Lafayette, and Jesus hatch a plan to save Tara. Clearly this won't end in tears because every time this brain trusts sits down and dreams up a plan it always works. Or someone gets a snake thrown at their face.
Pro: ANTONIA GAVILAN OF LOGRONO! doesn't want to kill vampires anymore — it's Marnie who's pulling the strings. TWIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSST!
Con: JK! ANTONIA GAVILAN OF LOGRONO! and Marnie both want to kill vampires again. LOL.
Con: The vampires take a break to sit around and bicker about vampire politics. Meanwhile, Bill is on his bluetooth selling vampire stocks or checking in on his vampire beamer or something. Bottom line, it's terrible.
Con: The human gang arrives at the Moon WITCHES ARE HERE Emporium. Make note to say that there's obviously some sort of repellent spell going on — that's why there aren't any people around and we can do this magic in the middle of the street without a crowd. Good job explaining that, I was really curious (I wasn't).
Con: Jesus sneaks into the Moon Goddess Emporium by walking though the protection force field with his demon face on. Good job, Jesus.
Pro: This does give Lafayette a great line. When Jason asks what's wrong with Jesus' demon head, Lafayette notes "It's a Latin thing."
Con: Just when you feel like there's enough story for everyone, there's MORE STORY. Marcus comes to visit Debbie (because remember Alcide was all "whoa maybe let's not kill this kid" which is anti-pack or whatever). Now he and Debbie are getting high and talking about how they both are (or would make) great parents. As you do when you're doing drugs.
Con: Sam and Alcide go back to the cool guy werewolf motorcycle shop where Tommy was beaten to death. Alcide holds the werewolf down so Sam can hit him in the face with the gun. So this is OK but the Tommy beating isn't? Also, WHY ARE YOU STILL THERE ALCIDE?
Pro: Terry and Andy have a wonderful spat about babies and booties and who wins. Still wish they were being used for something else. Something more important.
Con: Jesus fails at his mission. Everyone but Jason is sucked back inside the Moon Warehouse Rack with magic. Including Sookie, of course.
Pro: The vampire SWAT team shows up to blow up the witches' shoppe. They walk in slow motion. Because they mean Serious Vampire Business. VAMPIRE SWAT.
So there you have it. Lots and lots and lots of preparing for battle. Or maybe just a few people while others talked about interventions and retribution, but you get what I'm saying. OK, fine so maybe it's just like True Blood "One Day More" in the vampire basement at Bill's house. OK? OK. Good. Also this makes Jessica Eponine. Until next week!
Many of these screengrabs were taken from Lady Manson galleries, a great place for True Blood screencaps!