True Blood serves up a steaming pile of True Death

Last night on True Blood, everyone got a little action! Even Andy! The Vampire Squad wrestled the witches with their custom leather fingerless gloves and fired a rocket launcher up their cackling behinds.

But let me tell it to you, Pro/Con style:

Pro: Aaaaand we pick up exactly right where we left off last week. Except this time the vampires are no longer in slow motion. But don't worry, True Blood always finds a way to screw in some extra ridiculous. Cue Jessica and Pam's hilarious banter, "This is what PMS used to feel like" and "Can we blow up these Wiccan dipshits already? I have a mani/pedi at four." Glad to see we're all taking this Wiccan fight seriously. Lady vampires go to war! PMS! Manicures! Hoorah!

Con: ANTONIA GAVILAN OF LOGRONO/Marnie states that there are vampires outside with automatic weapons, what idiots! Ha ha! Meanwhile Marnie demonstrates her ace supernatural war strategizing skills by killing one of her own and inviting known vampire consorts into her headquarters. Go team!

Con: Roy is still alive, annoyingly calls the Ye Olden Witch Shoppe "Hotel California." He then goes on to explain exactly what Hotel California is (for any of you that haven't heard this song 1,000 times). And didn't understand the dated reference. True Death for Roy please.

Con: By my count, there are about 4 people with burned hands inside the Witches N' More shop. Which means after the first person and second person burned their hands on the magic doorknobs, two more idiots tried to get out via the already established painful doorknob route. Good job everyone.

Pro: "Marnie just puked a bitch out." Thank you Lafayette, that is much better.

True Blood serves up a steaming pile of True Death

Pro: Marnie and ANTONIA GAVILAN OF LOGRONO are fighting magic style. Improv exercise #12. Marnie, pretend you're trying to suck her up with a giant invisible straw. Antonia, you can't use your arms. GO!

Pro: Marnie wins the invisible tug-of-war, makes mmmmm-good noise after she devours ANTONIA GAVILAN OF LOGRONO.

True Blood serves up a steaming pile of True Death

Pro: Outside, Jessica is holding a rocket launcher. Who taught her how to use this? Eh who cares, she looks great.

True Blood serves up a steaming pile of True Death

Pro: Meanwhile the vampires are shouldering their weapons to blow up WitchLand. Cue Jason stage left, VAMPIRE TIME OUT!

Pro: Everyone says "Fucking Sookie" displaying the deep resentment most of the South feels for this meddlesome individual who is constantly burying her nose in everyone's business (and later acts surprised when she's caught in the middle of all the drama). Someone needs to put a bell on that girl...or just stab her with a poison arrow, your choice!

True Blood serves up a steaming pile of True Death

Pro: After Jason gives his little lecture about why we shouldn't kill Sookie (boo). Bill "aborts" the mission. Actually says abort. Pam is not happy, "Holy shit gentleman do not tell me you'd put our entire species at risk for a gash in a sundress." Jason gives Pam his best "Bitch Please" look. These are the moments True Blood was created for.

Pro: Sam and Alcide (HEY ALCIDE) interrogate the werewolf looking for Marcus. Cue Luna? Somehow Luna gets involved with all of this Marcus mumbo jumbo because her daughter has conveniently mysteriously gone missing. Sam spills the beans to Luna about Marcus murdering Tommy, tells her he needs to "set things right." Set things right = kill him. We're all OK with this.

True Blood serves up a steaming pile of True Death

Con: Debbie Pelt is hanging out in her underwear on the bed, in front of Marcus' kid. Yeah you're going to make a great mom, Debs.

Pro: In spite of Debbie's GIGANTIC flaws and mistakes, she insists that she loves Alcide. I know I'm a Debbie sympathizer, but out of all the incredibly unrealistic turns and twists a show about vampires having sex inflicts on its audience week after week, Debbie does appear to act like an actual human being. She's an addict, she makes horrible decisions, she plagued by her past, and hounded (GET IT?!?) by Alcide's obvious infatuation with Sookie. Yes, OF COURSE she was going to fuck this all up. I'm not making excuses for her, I'm just happy that out of all the jumbled plots on this show, Debbie's continues to be the most surprisingly realistic (again, for a show about vampires that have sex with each other). Of course she's not going to run away with Mr. He-who-pauses-awkwardly-in-speeches, Marcus. She's in love with Alcide. Debbie is going to do everything in her power to try and fix their relationship, which probably means burning whatever little bits of happiness they have left to the ground and then pissing on the embers. As messed up as she is, everything she does makes sense for her character. As opposed to Sam who swings from crazy Wall-Street-banker-killing-brother-hater/lover-turned-revenge addict to lovable barkeep, sheet smelling dog thing.

Pro: Anyways, back the witch war. Jesus uses his nurse trickery to fool Marnie into letting him drag the shivved witch into the bathroom. But the real gem here is Lafayette's face when Jesus asks him to grab the witch girl's legs. And later when Lala grabs a wad of paper towels to try and pull out a knife lodged in the girl's chest. Aw Lala.

Pro: Jesus tells Lafayette that he has to do some "BRUJO SHIT."

Con: Andy is Golluming himself in the forest. The whole scene is cringe-inducing and embarrassing. Then a fairy shows up. Chris Bauer deserves better than this.

True Blood serves up a steaming pile of True Death

Pro: Pam takes a time-out from killing the mind-wiped vampires to steal some vintage Cartier necklace.

True Blood serves up a steaming pile of True Death

Pro: The force field is actually a giant vampire bug zapper.

True Blood serves up a steaming pile of True Death

Con: Eric and Bill want Sookie back, and demand Marnie to let her go. Marnie offers up a trade, Sookie for both of their lives. Both Eric and Bill immediately agree! No negotiations necessary. Two True Deaths coming up! Jessica, Pam, and I share the same response. EXPLAIN THIS BULLSHIT!

Con: Marnie explains that Sookie can go, "Free as a resurrected bird." Which means...

True Blood serves up a steaming pile of True Death

Con: Eric and Bill give long last looks to Sookie, because they are going to shoot themselves for her. Take it away, Shit Just Got Real Llama:

True Blood serves up a steaming pile of True Death

Pro: Finally someone attempts to snap these two back into reality. "The true death to save Bo-Peep I don't think so." THANK YOU PAM.

True Blood serves up a steaming pile of True Death

Pro: I couldn't help but scream out SAM IN THE BEDROOM WITH THE CANDLESTICK, when Sam and Alcide stormed the bedroom. Sam's battle cry: "Relax, fuckface." And later he calls Marcus an insect. Thus birthing the Samsult.

Con: Alcide pushes Debbie.

Pro: Sam punches Marcus.

Con: Sam makes "cool guy" punching hand before the fight. Delivers another Samsult: "I'm going to enjoy this."

Pro: Roy high-fives Marnie, Marnie is annoyed. Does this mean she will kill Roy herself? Let's hope so.

Pro: More BRUJO SHIT.

Pro: Jesus is giving Lafayette a very serious pep talk before the BRUJO SHIT about how Lafayette will hear and see things that he won't want to. Besides that time they went back into the past and met his creepy demon face, or the time that Lafayette was possessed by a ghost lady, or the time that Lafayette was possessed by a different ghost and had to save Jesus from snake face. So yes, it was pretty perfect when Lafayette responded to yet another very serious Jesus speech about magic with this, "That ship has fucking sailed."

Pro: Also, another pro to Lafayette not being a fan of the "fucking demon face" either.

Con: More (and less interesting) BRUJO SHIT.

Pro/Con: Watching Eric and Bill deal with their little spawns. Con to Eric being such a dick to Pam, Pro to Bill listening to Jessica as she tells him, "don't you ever do that to me again." But there is one thing in common. Everyone hates Sookie.

True Blood serves up a steaming pile of True Death

Con: So a fairy fluttered into Andy's world to have sex with him but first he must make an ET light finger promise that he won't hurt the fairy lady in her fancy dress. While it's great that Andy is getting some (he is the best), we do not need any more characters on this show. Or weird light plots for that manner either. Just say no, True Blood.

True Blood serves up a steaming pile of True Death

Pro: Sam let's Marcus live, Alcide kills him anyways. Turns around and immediately Werewolf Divorces Debbie right then and there. It's brutal.

Pro: Werewolf Divorce goes like so.

[Insert Name Here], I abjure you. I see you no longer. I hunt with you no longer. I share flesh with you. No longer.

Pro: Now can we have an Alcide and Sam spin off where they spend their days fighting crime in New Orleans?

Con: Marnie convinces everyone to form a circle. I can understand some of the Wiccan idiots who grabbed the burning doorknobs more than once joining up with this circle (they're morons!). But how the hell does Sookie justify joining hands with this woman who only minutes ago tried to trade her life for the two lives of the vampires she professes to love over everyone else. What is this fuckery?

Con: More BRUJO SHIT.

True Blood serves up a steaming pile of True Death

Pro: Then the most amazing thing happens. Marnie tries to make all the vampires outside of Bedknobs and Broomsticks walk into the forcefield. Improv Exercise #4 Everyone, you're walking through tar. GO!

This is just vampire acting at its very vampire finest.

[Possibly the best True Blood gif ever made right here, via I'm Here For Sookie]

True Blood serves up a steaming pile of True Death

Pro: Jason sums up this entire scene quite eloquently, "What the fuck folks?"

Con: Also, if Marnie can mind control vampires, why not just do that right now? And why aren't they all screaming, "the forcefield the forcefield!"

True Blood serves up a steaming pile of True Death

Con: Naturally, Sookie light finger blasts the group. Because sometimes finding a way to move the plot forward is hard. SHAZAM MAGIC!

True Blood serves up a steaming pile of True Death

Con: Eric continues to scold Pam, "Get out of my sight before I kill you." Pam is heartbroken, so am I. Look, I adore mean and selfish Eric, specifically for the aggressive sex I assume he will be delivering. And there hasn't been much Eric sex this season (I refuse to acknowledge the grassy knoll hump-humps as an act of vicious viking love making, it didn't happen). So naturally, I'm pleased as punch that angry Eric is back. That being said, angry Eric doesn't have to be such a dick to Pam, Bill has learned how to balance Sookie's ridiculously demanding kidnapping schedule with his responsibilities as a maker, so why can't Eric?

Pro: Tara calls Roy an Uncle Tom!

True Blood serves up a steaming pile of True Death

Pro: Marnie is going to kill Sookie with FIRE!

True Blood serves up a steaming pile of True Death

Con: Sookie lives. Thanks go to the Brujo shit.

True Blood serves up a steaming pile of True Death

Pro: But on the bright side, Roy is dead and Eric has a tasty beverage.

Con: Andy and Arlene have a nice chat. This is nice and all, but I tuned into this show for a vampire war. Can't we deal with this later? Perhaps in another season? There aren't enough episodes left to be wasting this nonsense on!

True Blood serves up a steaming pile of True Death

Pro: After all is said and done, Vampire Bill and Vampire Eric walk about in their Team Vampire outfits whispering to each other. Minutes are dedicated to watching Vampire Eric and Vampire Bill walk around and have the most pretend vampire conversation I've ever seen on TV. If this scene was captioned, it would just say "Fake Vampire Whisperings REPEAT."

True Blood serves up a steaming pile of True Death

Pro: Jessica looks stunning, even covered in rocket launcher ash.

Pro: Lala and Jesus lounge in Lafayette's cheetah bed in a bag.

Pro: Lafayette soothes his sad Jesus with his new hairdo and his "truer than rain" logic. Jesus feels miserable that his murderous pal Marnie is dead, eeeeh *makes scales with hands.* Anyone else think they're setting up Jesus for a very big fall?

True Blood serves up a steaming pile of True Death

Con: Surprise! Everything is terrible! Marnie is not dead! And now the best male character on the show has to be fake Southern for the grand finale. HISS.

Well, that's it folks, I think we can all agree that this was easily the best episode of the season so far. What that says about this season, we're not sure. But it was a giant vampire step forward. Next week: costumes!

Some of these screencaps were taken from Lady Manson, a great place for True Blood screencaps.