Last night, the season finale for the fourth year of True Blood came and went with a wet fart noise. Some of it was good, but most of it was bad. True Blood can do better than this, which is why we're looking forward to the fifth season.
But let me explain it to you in Pro/Con style.
Pro: As is the True Blood way, we pick up (fairly close to) where we left off. The next morning having brunch with the BRUJO and the Man with the old lady inside of him. Lafayette (now possessed by the spirit of wild-eyed Marnie) calmly stares at Jesus, nothing suspicious here folks!…And then he stabs Jesus with a fork. *BOOOOOOING NOISE*
Pro: Meanwhile, back in the Stackhouse kitchen of death, making coffee with Sookie! NOPE! Dead Grandma on the floor.
Con: Tara spent the night at Sookie's house, so now Tara is cool staying in the house with Eric in it? After that fantastic "Fuck you guys!" speech? Way to stick to your guns, Tara. Also, had you stayed at Lafayette's house, Jesus might not have been hand-forked.
Con: Sookie explains how Marnie channeled Gran all those days ago, notes how she took none of her advice. Sookie continues on saying that she "feels like her Gran is here," like really, really here. Which in True Blood foreshadowing language means, "Grams is coming back in about 20 minutes." So yep.
Pro: "What are we magnets for fucking craziness?" Yes. And clearly Sookie is keeping said magnet in her vagina.
Pro: Haha! Tara tells Sookie that she hopes she can sit on her fantasy future porch watching the sunset in the future. By the laws of True Blood foreshadowing, Tara will now become a vampire and never able to watch said sunset on said porch with said Sookie.
Pro: Tommy Mickens' tombstone was stolen out of a deli.
Pro: Maxine Fortenberry comes to Tommy's funeral, is not horrible. Good for you Maxine. Now please make me a pork rind casserole.
Con: Maxinne tells Sam that "they're all the family they got left." Except for your son, Hoyt. Oh Maxie.
Pro: Sam smells Luna and her daughter coming. Oh good, because for a moment there I thought True Blood was going to have a sad adult moment on their drama series about how one character's brother was horribly beaten to death. Hahaha! What was I thinking? Proceed with the shapeshifter air-sniffing. Also good idea Luna, bringing your daughter to the sadly attended funeral for the man her father murdered. "How did he die?" "Your father killed him... who wants snacks?"
Con: Speaking of True Blood destroying shit, let's take a minute and visit Hoyt. Remember when Hoyt was everyone's favorite? Now he's just an empty sack of rage and hate. Even when he's off-screen, True Blood reminds us all of how far this character has fallen with gossipy dialogues shared by the Stackhouse siblings, revealing how Hoyt has spendt his days farting, drinking, and crying. While I 100% understand the honesty in this, people can be broken for days, weeks, months, hell, years about love, I worry Hoyt is becoming the lip-quivering male Tara on this series. Even though we're ending this season with Hoyt rightfully telling Jason to fuck right off for fucking his girl, there's no real impact on the audience anymore. Hoyt has become this bitter angry mess that no one really cares for. Admit it, when Jessica and Jason are Red Riding each other, you're much more fascinated by the fact that this may be the first time Jessica has revealed so much on camera and a lot less concerned that this affair is rolling back the hero of both Seasons 2 and 3. Who cares about Hoyt's character development, let's flush it all down the toilet so Jason and Jessica can bump uglies. Check that off the list of people that still need to screw on this show. Jason deserved that blow to the head, and Hoyt deserves more from this season. Ah well. Maybe he'll rebound with a nice girl next season. Oh wait, this show already did that last year. Biscuits. Sigh.
Pro: To Jason arguing with himself in the mirror before the big confrontation.
Pro: Hoyt Truths: "You could have anyone, she was the only one. You make fucked-up selfish piece of shit choices." Yes. And as much as I hate Jason for causing all this distress for Hoyt, it's still Jason. I still love you Jason, you and your crazy eggplant dick (remember the good times people).
Pro: Cut back to the Jesus, Marnie and Lafayette story. I must admit Lafayette is doing one hell of a job dialing up the Marnie, look he's even mastered the Marnie crazy eyes. It's fantastic stuff.
Con: Marnie wants Jesus' BRUJO SHIT.
Pro: Jesus explains that this dangerous magic swapping isn't like "trading Pokemon Cards." Excuse me, what? How do either of these idiots know what a Pokemon is? And this is how Jesus tries to reach Marnie, through late 1990s pop culture references?
Marnie, this isn't as easy as a Dawson's Creek episode, these kids have problems. It's dangerous. Pacey and Andie have to get past the huge roadblock once it's revealed that she's a severe manic depressive. And what about Abby? Is she really friends Jen or is she just using her? There's something there brewing under the surface, she's just not trustworthy. But there's just no time and bottom line, I'm not even sure if a karaoke performance of "On My Own" will get us out of this.
Pro: Besides Jesus doesn't even know how to give Marnie his BRUJO SHIT.
Pro: Jesus gives Marnie his BRUJO SHIT anyways. Ha. Good back-and-forth everybody!
Con: Marnie stabs Jesus, he dies. Good bye Jesus. I liked you very much when you weren't bulging out your veins in some sort of odd magical Mexican constipation. You loved Lala and took good care of him. Granted, you'd both still be alive if you never started meddling with the Witcheteria Castle in the first place. But…whatareyagonnado? I'm sad to see you go!
Pro: Yay for Terry and Arlene's adorable couple's costumes.
Con: Boo for trying to be so ridiculously self-aware that they force Arlene to say "Zombies are the new vampires." This makes me make this noise. Also, zombies will now have to be in the 5th season, it's True Blood foreshadowing law.
Con: Sookie gets her job back, is immediately horrible to Sam for giving her said job back.
Con: Arlene's child is dressed up as one of the Teen Mom hookers. Great. This makes me sad only because Halloween is right around the corner, stop giving these kids horrible ideas!
Pro: Sam makes a very obvious introduction for Luna's kid Emma. Which is basically the kiss of True Blood death. Calling it now, Emma will be dead by the third episode in the 5th season.
Con: Hey look, it's Scott Foley, and he's got a haircut (Felicity joke). Why is Scott Foley being introduced to us on the very last episode of this season for no real reason other than to point at him and say, "LOOKIE LOOKIE WE GOT THAT GUY FROM SCRUBS THAT ONE TIME." Probably because Jesus just died and True Blood has a ridiculous amount of characters it must have on set at all times or else the troll that lives in Alan Ball's broom closet will escape and consume all of the Oreos he's stockpiled in his panic room. And there are A LOT OF OREOS IN THERE, let me tell you.
Pro: Hey Alcide.
Con: Alcide tells Sookie that they should be together. Sookie rejects him because he doesn't have a magical vampire dong that will only complicate things and try and murder her for her special sunshine fairy blood.
Pro: Did anyone else hear Alcide answer his phone, "Heylo!" UPDATE: Turns out it was Herveaux, but I will forever hear "Heylo."
Con: Sookie then spends a lot of time watching The Cartoon Cowgirl from Toy Story 2 smoke weed. Which is good because it's not like this is the season finale, we've got time to blow spending it with characters we don't know or particularly care for...
Con: Holly says "oh my goddess" a lot.
Pro: Bill and Eric are tied up shirtless and begin to start Abbott and Costelloing the shit out of this scene. The ha-yucks were flying. "Heeeeey Abooooooott! Any bright ideas on how to get us out of this one? Ya Majesty?" and "I liked you better when you were brain damaged." Witty death jokes!
Pro: Both Bill and Eric have Sookie whiplash the second they sense her.
Pro: The Cowgirl Toy From Toy Story starts sneaking around like a cartoon character on her tippy toes giving Bill the old "stall Marnie" face. Dear lord.
Con: Holly brings back all of the ghosts in the area, we guess. Where was this magic trick when they needed saving from Marnie in the Magic Box?
Con: ANTONIA GAVILAN DE LOGRONO! is back, with a bunch of other dead people…
Con: Including Ghost Gran and her magical wind machine.
Con: Gran physically reaches into Lafayette's mouth and pulls Marnie out. Marnie then starts complaining and whining about why she wants to murder everyone because she didn't have a lot of friends. That's it! No friends = murder. ANTONIA GAVILAN DE LOGRONO! and Gran tell Marnie that she needs to move on, she screams. Everyone ghost hugs it out. HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE. This woman just stabbed Jesus in the heart, and she gets to go to heaven? FUCK A BUNCH OF THAT. Where are the dark spirits from Patrick Swayze's Ghost to drag this woman screaming and clawing into Hell? UNACCEPTABLE. The giant climatic fight of the 4th season was fought by an old woman in a nightie. Everything sucks.
Con: Grams tells Sookie it's OK to be alone. LOL. Good luck with that Sookie.
Pro: Not to be outdone by Marnie, Eric shouts out, "EXCUSE ME we're feeling a little crispy here." BA-ZING! We'll be here all weekend! Make sure to tip your ghost waitresses everyone.
Pro: The sexiest serial killer of all times makes a cameo. Rene may have horribly murdered a lot of people in the first season, but hot damn that boy had it going on. Maybe it was the fake accent. Which brings up another point, why is Ghost Rene still speaking in a fake accent? I'm pretty sure the answer is because he CAN.
Pro: Let's look at old pictures of Rene.
Remember when True Blood was good? When it had mystery and suspense and a lot of horror? Now it all just feels like schlock on schlock on vampire cock. I miss the whole "who is that mysterious yet somber man in the bar" vibe.
Pro: Jessica in Red Riding Hood cosplay/lingerie. She may not have been in the real world long, but Jessica seems to understand the role of slutty Halloween costumes and the sexually curious co-ed perfectly.
Pro: Jason and Jessica then proceed to have some of the most, erm, "visual" sex Jessica has ever had. Which, you know, that's great. They're both absolutely delightful to look at. But what I said earlier about Hoyt still stands. Thankfully the whole sexcapade switches over into this kind of adorable talk where Jessica reveals that she's probably using Jason. Should be interesting to see how long that lasts. There's no such thing as sex friends.
Pro: Jason has a beer pillow which he uses to cover his junk, I'm guessing this is the pillow's only real function.
Pro: Fuck Sookie and her precious fairy vagina. Clearly Pam has become the Hurley of True Blood. Voicing the disconnect the audience is feeling with Sookie and the revolving plot around her "precious" fairy vagina. Here, here! Pam, you speak the truth. Now if only True Blood didn't feel the need to have to say this via Pam as some sort of "shrug, we're gonna keep doin' it anyways but it's good to get your anger out with Pam now" nonsense. Ah well, "precious fairy vagina" best line from the episode.
Pro: To Ginger hugging it out with Pam. Ginger is the best.
Con: Ghost Jesus stops by to tell Lafayette that it wasn't his fault. Starts it off with "Dude I'm dead…" Siiiiiiiigh.
Pro: Eric and Bill are wearing matching robes from King Cool Vampire Bill's house. Matching robes remind me a lot less of cool guys being cool, think adorable twins waking up on Christmas morning.
Con: But this scene also gets a Con because I feel like we just did this a few episodes ago in Sookie's dreams.
Pro: Sookie breaks up with Eric and Bill. While doing so they both comically believe that she's really dumping the other one, both of them, in front of each other. What happened to these vampires?
Pro: Sookie leaves, cries. Don't worry, in 10 minutes she'll be perched atop Alcide's manhood.
Pro: Andy and Holly make a date, Andy looks really lovely in this scene which is unfortunately kind of a waste of time. Can we go back to more of the Nan killing or the fucking? Cause we're clearing not getting ANY war action, so can we at least have fun? No? Fine.
But now it's Cliffhanger time.
Con: Werewolf and Sam DAH NAH NAH LAME CLIFFHANGER!
Pro: Rev. Steve Newlin is baack! BETTER CLIFFHANGER! (BTW, there's absolutely no way he's a vampire).
Pro: Also, did you catch the look of joy on Steve's face when Jason opened the door all nakey? That settles it. He's 100% in love with Jason. The End.
Pro: Alcide finds what's left of Russell Edgington's cement prison. He's escaped. BEST CLIFFHANGER!!!!!
Pro: Nan shows up, turns Eric and Bill into little babies. Eric calls her guards "gay stormtroopers" clearly he's never seen this (which is ART motherfucka). Nan threatens Sookie, they both freak out kill everyone and Bill yells, "We're not fucking puppies!" Good battle cry. This is the most action of the whole season finale. While I'm sad to see Nanners go, I loved watching her explode into a puddle. Eric calls her a bitch. Congrats, you're both 11.
Pro: Debbie shows up and SHOOTS TARA IN THE HEAD. Debbie Pelt is the hero of the fifth season!
Con: You know the first thing that's going to happen next year is Tara getting turned into some sort of self-loathing vampire creature. It's the only way I can see them saving her life. OR they could just let her die (won't happen).
Con: Sadly, Debbie dies in her valiant effort to rid the show of Sookie and Tara. It is a great loss. Pelt haters to the left, she was a total mess and a complete drug-riddled shitshow with one motivation. Love. This made her crazy funhouse to watch. Now that Debbie is gone (boo) and Marnie is gone (yay) it makes sense that True Blood is eager to get Russell and Rev. Newlin back into the mix. Debbie was horribly underused this season, it could have been so much more tragic, but with her gone there are no real villains. Whether or not we need two villains of this magnitude in one season, well that remains to be seen. It's a shame they didn't sprinkle a little Newlin or Russell in this year, it would have greatly helped with the Marnie exhaustion.
So that's it. The season is over. And it was well, fine? The worst season in True Blood history, very possibly. I just miss the horror, the mystique, the intrigue. Let me be clear, I LOVE the ridiculous, this is why I gave shirtless Bill and Eric's topless burning man session a Pro. It was funny. But the whole ghostly intervention for Marnie was boring and took away from the gun shot to the head this villain deserved. For once I wish True Blood would stop trying to outdo itself and just let Denis O'Hare do a mountain of vampire cocaine and eat a whole school of children. He could execute that task with style. It's time to push funny vampire sex tricks to the side and pick up what made this show great. Horror. The sex will fall into place just like Sookie will find another big supernatural thingamabober to pester with her precious vagina next year.
Some of these screencaps were taken from Lady Manson, a great place for True Blood images.
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Full list of past True Blood recaps, here!