Have you have ever seen the 1987 movie Mutant Hunt? No? It's only, like, the premier Blade Runner rip-off about cyborgs getting fucked up on narcotics.
But wait! How do the drugs affect the robots' synthetic bodies? What function do these robots serve in society, besides wearing sunglasses? Is mercenary Matt Riker the only cinema hero to fight a cyborg in tighty-whities? The answer to all three questions is "yes."
Incidentally, I did not find Mutant Hunt rotting in a $1 bin. No, Gawker Media superking Nick Denton sent us an enigmatic email labeled "Robots on Drugs." This missive contained nothing, save that Mutant Hunt preview above.
This was no suggestion — it was a mission. You simply do not ask how many stoned mutant cyborgs can dance on the head of a pin.
To truly understand Mutant Hunt, you must become the mutant. That is, get wrecked. If you're a teetotaler, don't sleep for a week. Seriously, watching Mutant Hunt with pristine synapses is like visiting the Hagia Sophia in a sensory deprivation chamber. Here are 10 reasons why your life is incomplete without Mutant Hunt.
1.) The preview
Watch that preview. Watch that motherfucking preview. That is how you make a preview. It tells you everything you need to know. There are cyborgs on drugs. These cyborgs are mutants. These mutants dress like Janet Jackson's back-up dancers circa Rhythm Nation. The protagonist is soldier-of-fortune Matt Riker. His haircut is made of feathered testosterone.
2.) The fight scenes
In Mutant Hunt, the good guys watch their comrades fight robots without offering to help. They stand to the wayside, passively allowing their friends to be pulverized. Sometimes they grimace as if afflicted with minor toothaches. In our future, mutant hunts are the gingivitis of civilization.
3.) The first time we meet mercenary Matt Riker, he is wearing nothing but a banana hammock
His penile silhouette informs the audience he is the hero.
4.) The only sympathetic cyborg has the face of a month-old calzone
He's harder to watch than Bicentennial Man.
5.) The world-building
Here is an actual quote from the movie:
Matt Riker: Inteltrax has a government contract. It can hold anyone for 72 hours since the federation act of...
Darla Haynes: ...of two years ago, ever since the space shuttle sex murders.
This line is uttered, lingers flatulently, and is never mentioned again. Mutant Hunt does not hold your hand.
5.) The bad guys wear leather upholstery
This is so you don't confuse them with the good guys. Luckily, the bad guys also have heads and arms, so you don't confuse them with those fancy massage chairs in the Hammer Schlemmer catalog.
6.) It's a movie about hard choices
At the end of the movie, Matt Riker can either A.) walk away from the half-dead bad guy; or B.) make him spontaneously combust. He chooses justice.
7.) One of the bad guys literally exits stage right
After attempting to murder our heroes again and again, the evil Domina (the amazing Stormy Spill) simply walks off screen.
8.) Cyborg unboxings are very sexy
All you tech sites should learn a thing or two from Domina.
Fun Fact: Mutant Hunt was directed by Tim Kincaid, whose oeuvre consists of many an adult film. Mutant Hunt's soundtrack, explained!
9.) Bounty hunter Johnny Felix
Actor Ron Reynaldi portrays a bounty hunter with an extremely lackadaisical approach to cyborg emergencies. He steals this show. (Scene somewhat NSFW.)
10.) It's currently streaming on Netflix
People always complaing about Netflix's lack of selection, but trust you me, the digital video service has no shortage of Mutant Hunt. At ~77 minutes, you can stream it a recommended 18 times daily.