Up until now I've been describing American Horror Story as highly watchable garbage. Highly watchable, because of the powerhouse performances Jessica Lange has been delivering each and every week, with her collection of horny ghouls. But garbage, because the family unit and main characters elicit no emotional response whatsoever from the audience. All that changed last night, when Zachary Quinto joined the cast.
In the big two-part Halloween episode, we get to meet the "murder-suicide" gay couple who fixed up the Murder House. But what's this? Their death was not "murder-suicide" as had been previously stated — there's a tweeest! Turns out, like everything else in the house stuffed with oversexed spirits, Quinto and his Man were murdered by The Rubber Man!
And according to the rules of Murder House, once you die in this gorgeous Restoration Hardware showroom, your soul is forever doomed to roam the halls, sniffing around for sex and trouble. First off, this is my absolutely favorite death flash so far this season. The completely over-the-top Martha Stewart gay that Quinto was channeling could have been a bloody awful to watch. But thank goodness, Quinto is a very talented actor, and watching his transition from snipping homemaker to intense OCD nut job was wildly entertaining, and actually quite scary. Can we just get rid of the Harmons, and follow around Chad and Patrick?
Alas no, we cannot — and thus, we had to spend a portion of this episode fumbling around with Ben's newly found misspent youth. Which American Horror Story gleefully hints at, by forcing each character to stamp their feet, point at Ben and bleat, "Sad, sad, sad." But if that wasn't enough, we're then subjected to a four-minute cry session at a random playground, where Ben meets Tate for coffee and counseling. Seriously, Ben, you're an adult — stop crying in front of the child voted most likely to steal your daughter's virginity and then drown her in a bathtub of lube. It feels like all of the Harmons were just plodding this entire episode — rubbing Vivo's tummy and thanking the gay gods for sending them two homosexual house-fluffers to save their Halloween party. But the family is still taking away precious time from Constance and Quinto, at this point.
But enough of the bad, let's talk about the good. Because there was so much of it!
Moira takes off the day off to murder her comatose mother (on Halloween, spirits can leave their hauntings, we guess). The whole mother moment is incredibly sad — which is surprising, since we know literally nothing about Moira, besides the fact that she has lovely thighs. Special thanks must go out to Frances Conroy for cramming a lifetime of ghostly sadness in one moment. Sure it's super cheeseball, but we love that she can't even look at the spirit of her dead mother.
Then there's Adelaide and Constance's big showdown. I know every week, Jessica Lange says something exponentially more horrid to her poor daughter (calling her a mongoloid was particularly monstrous) but I'll be damned if she doesn't make every verbal cobra strike new, and even more ghastly than the next. And in this the actress Jamie Brewer (Adelaide) goes toe-to-toe with Lange, melting down the wax house of horror Constance has built up. Addie wants to be a "pretty girl" for Halloween, which was just a massive softball for Constance to swing at with immense cruelty. I couldn't rip my eyes away from Constance as she wailed, "Do you know what they think when we walk down the street? There but for the grace of God go I. You make them feel lucky, and they think I'm a hero, as if I'd had some choice." Absolutely horrifying work, everyone. And the hits just keep on coming for these two. Constance later softens and allows Addie her Halloween wish to dress up as a pretty girl, which ends in disaster when Addie is mowed down by a hit and run. Dying in the street, Constance panics to get her on the lawn "with all of her friends." Presumably meaning that if Addie died on the lawn of their home, her ghostly spirit could continue to hang out with Moira, Tate, and Quinto.
We also uncover the secret behind the ghastly creature that lives in the basement. It's the son of the Evil Abortionist. A disgruntled boyfriend kidnapped the Evil Abortionist's child, citing the old "eye for an eye" Bible code. The child was later returned... in jars. It's gruesome. And scary — hey, this show is actually getting scarier by the episode! Acting on his Frankenstein fetish, the Evil Abortionist thought he could save his son by sewing him back together with bits of dead animals. Was he seriously stitching a dogs paw onto some fleshy baby limb in one scene? YIKES. And that's not the end for the Evil Abortionist and his Wicked Wife. Remember she stopped by with a bullet hole in the back of her head, so there's still much more fun from these two ahead. I just hope it all has something to do with the Harmons, or makes them slightly more interesting in some manner.
The Burned Man stops by, asking for money for killing Mr. Harmon's mistress. Ben punts his pumpkin purse into the yard.
Alas, Burning Man returns, harassing Violet now while Ben and Vivo are stuck in the ER with a baby so evil, it makes the nurse faint. That's so much evil.
And finally Quinto loses his mind (but not until his man Patrick literally grabs Ben's cock because as we said before, the ghost in this house are SO HORNY) and tells the Harmons to get out of their house. Yes! Get out, Harmons.
Vivian starts screaming and the two skedaddle out of the house, but not before defacing the Harmons' front lawn.
OK maybe that wasn't the gays, because I was pretty guilty of doing that to all the light up reindeer Christmas lights in various neighbors' yards. But still, thanks for that, AHS — we were starting to take you seriously, glad we fixed that problem.
Overall, this was a MUCH better episode. The baby jars, Rubber Man murders and Rubber Man stalking added some much-needed tension. Plus this is only the beginning — this is a two-part episode and Quinto is back next week. I seriously cannot praise his antics on this series enough — it was fun and completely ludicrous and then downright scary having him on the show. More Quinto, please.