The planets of the Solar System, according to crazed pulp comics of the 1940s

Back in the Forties, the science fiction rag Planet Comics published the ongoing feature "Life On Other Worlds." This section peppered scientific know-how amongst whatever gonzo shit the writer happened to make up. Here's a tour of our Solar System using old issues of Planet Comics. Did you know that Mars is occupied by gargantuan Romans?

The planets of the Solar System, according to crazed pulp comics of the 1940sS

Let's kick it off with Mercury. Notice how the synopsis sputters out many a fact without acknowledging the deadly toucan mutants.

The planets of the Solar System, according to crazed pulp comics of the 1940sS

I'm pretty sure the male astronaut knowingly used his female colleague as a lure. The rollicking Forties, everyone.

The planets of the Solar System, according to crazed pulp comics of the 1940sS

Finally, this description eschews facts for vague warnings about Mercury's giant caterpillars. And here I was afraid this wouldn't be educational. [Via]

The planets of the Solar System, according to crazed pulp comics of the 1940sS

I enjoy how this article on Venus begins with a fairly academic remark that the planet could support life, but then immediately transforms the damn place into Land of the Lost.

The planets of the Solar System, according to crazed pulp comics of the 1940sS

But lo! Here's an entirely different interpretation of planetary life on Venus. Do note that the Venusian men are busted as angler fish, but the women are hotter than dugongs.

The planets of the Solar System, according to crazed pulp comics of the 1940sS

Also, Venusians love to fist pump, cavort with horned orcas, and live in clams. Venus, you're okay in my book, despite your tentacled horrors of the deep. [Via]

The planets of the Solar System, according to crazed pulp comics of the 1940sS

Mars is filled with gladiators who attend summer school. Thanks, Planet Comics! [Via]

The planets of the Solar System, according to crazed pulp comics of the 1940sS

According to Planet Comics, Jupiter will be rife with pygmy centaurs, giant naked dudes with ankle flagella, and hilariously quaint one-seater rocket tanks to protect astronauts from the crushing pressure. [Via]

The planets of the Solar System, according to crazed pulp comics of the 1940sS

Let's take a pit stop to Callisto. This moon is inhabited by depressing anteater people and those omnipresent space dragons. In the 1940s, cosmic dragons were an invasive species on every planet, save Earth. [Via]

The planets of the Solar System, according to crazed pulp comics of the 1940sS

Hey, Saturn is filled with robust extraterrestrial bodybuilders too! Astronomy was indescribably sexier in the 1940s.

The planets of the Solar System, according to crazed pulp comics of the 1940sS

According to Planet Comics, the Hawkmen of Saturn are a bunch of genial naturists. On my own Personal Taxonomy of Hawkmen, these guys rank above Carter Hall but below those dudes from Flash Gordon. [Via]

The planets of the Solar System, according to crazed pulp comics of the 1940sS

Planet Comics really phoned in this snapshot of Uranus (rimshot). All we can really glean is that retrofuture NASA ran out of funding for spacesuits in women's sizes.

The planets of the Solar System, according to crazed pulp comics of the 1940sS

Oh, and Uranusians are corpulent and sluggish. I'm never putting a terrarium on my head and riding my asbestos rocket to that slop heap. [Via]

The planets of the Solar System, according to crazed pulp comics of the 1940sS

Dinosaurs on Neptune. Duly noted. [Via]

The planets of the Solar System, according to crazed pulp comics of the 1940sS

I'm not sure what's going on this tableau of Pluto, so I'm just going to assume that green condor is the Secretary of Agriculture. [Via]

The planets of the Solar System, according to crazed pulp comics of the 1940sS

This Plutonian scene is from another issue of Planet Comics. This depiction of Pluto seems decidedly more habitable. Also, bike shorts are the planetary uniform. [Via]

Big ups to Atomic Surgery.