73-year-old British woman harassed by groping ghost

There be must be some sort of spiritual upheaval going down in the nether regions of the netherworld. How come? Ghosts have been a lot more touchy-feely as of late. The latest report comes out of Herne Bay, England, where 73-year-old Doris Birch has been driven to her wits' end by a groping ghost. As she explained to the This Is Kent news site:

"It's like an octopus. It started four months ago. I was lying in bed when I felt this creepy pair of hands.

"I kicked frantically and it went away. Next time it came I hurled the duvet on to the floor!

"But the ghost keeps coming back. I've tried sleeping without the duvet. But it started shaking my mattress.

"I even threw the mattress off the bed and bought a new one but it has made no difference.

"I told my 16-year-old granddaughter and she was gobsmacked. She said I must be joking [...] I told the vicar and he said it is a lost spirit. What I want to know is, why has it got lost in my flat?"

Fortunately for Ms. Birch, she's not alone in her quest to sleep uninterrupted by caresses from beyond the grave — a local spirit medium/lorry driver has offered to dispel the poltergeist using a "vortex of light." However, the Methodist minister interviewed for the story was less than helpful:

Fools rush in where angels fear to tread [...] I have no expertise in this at all. I am neither a trained counsellor nor from a church with a tradition of exorcism such as the Catholic Church. It is very difficult to know how to respond.