Last night on Once Upon a Time, we learned the backstory of Sidney Glass (the Queen's magic mirror man, and disgraced former editor of the all important Storybrooke newspaper). Spurned by the Mayor, Sidney teams up with Emma to expose the evil overlord's darkest deeds.
You'd think a reporter and a cop teaming up would lead to some cunning crime-solving scenes. But you would be wrong. This is Once Upon a Time, people.
Cue the cartoon-looking microphone "bugs", busted brakes, and a gentleman with 9,000 necklaces. Once Upon A Time does Law & Order for dummies!
Last night's was easily the most epically cheeseball of all the Once Upon a Time storylines — and there was already an episode that starred a CG cricket, so that's saying something. The Real World version of the Evil Queen's Magic Mirror, Sidney, pops up and decides that today he wants to ruin the Mayor. Emma, being the crackpot Sheriff she is, agrees almost immediately. Then the Mayor's biggest asset proceeds to push Emma into breaking the law over and over again.
It's like Emma didn't even see the entire election episode, where she droned endlessly on about choosing good over bad. Screw your morals — Emma has some long faces to make, and some rules to break. It's not like she lives in a town where the Mayor has been recording her every move, digging up her past, and using every little angle she can, to separate Emma from her estranged biological son.
Every single "Hardy Boys for idiots" move Emma made was Velveeta water torture.
Was anyone surprised that the Mayor was building a $50,000 (ha!) playground in the middle of nowhere, especially after they opened the episode with her bulldozing the original park that Henry and Emma secretly met at? Was anyone surprised when Sidney turned out to be a double agent? No. And while I can usually shrug off the casual dopey plot move from this series, this was ridiculous. We deserve better than this. This is Giancarlo motherfucking Esposito. Let's use that to our full advantage.
But instead they put Giancarlo Esposito in a turban and threw some CG snakes at him. You see, Sidney was actually a genie that King Toby Ziegler found in the river (convenient). King Toby frees the genie with his first wish. But, as it turns out Toby is a real dick to his new wife (the Evil Queen). All he does is talk about how great his dead wife was, and to be honest we'd want to kill him as well, so point Evil Queen. Anyway, five seconds in, Sidney falls in love with Evil Queen and then throws snakes at King Toby, killing him. Naturally, the Evil Queen uses special snakes from Sidney's hometown, so everyone links the murder to Sidney. Personally, I think Sidney deserves whatever punishment he's dealt for not seeing through this Muppet Babies-concocted plan.
To save himself from having to leave the woman who tricked him into murder, Sidney uses his last genie wish to stay by the Queen's side forever, and thus he is turned into a mirror.
Every character from both worlds should be taken into the streets of Storybrooke and beaten with a car antenna, for not seeing either of these outcomes coming a mile away.
In infinitely more interesting plotlines, "the Stranger" tries to pull off three different neck accessories, and a super low cut top. He fails. Instead he looks like a little girl who got caught raiding her grandmother's jewelry box.
But that's okay, because he's Private Webster and we love him, forever. Last week I guessed that this guy might be the Big Bad Wolf. Thankfully you all corrected me that this gloriously-stubbled gent is most likely some sort of meta writer. A brother Grimm perhaps, looking for his other brother? Or God, a la Supernatural. And now that The Stranger has made a collection of silly "Nothing to see here" faces, when Henry talks about writing and then super slyly told the little fellow that HE TOO hates it when he has writers block (WINKY WINK WINK AUDIENCE), I think we can all say that he is some sort of narrator (or narrator/wolf hybrid). I hope he doesn't get eaten by a giant.
Until next week, when Emma spends an episode looking under a rock for buried ribbons.