Once Upon A Time: These Idiots Deserve Each Other

Last night Storybrooke transformed from a sweet, often cheesy fairytale soap-opera city... to a town full of pious twits. Snow White's big affair was exposed and she was tattooed with a scarlet "A," because everyone in this town is an asshole. Also, we found out the Stranger's name!

While we absolutely adore seeing the gritty side of these classic fables, the real-world counterparts are so wildly inconsistent with actual reality, the whole drama is becoming a bit too much. Snow White having an affair with Prince Charming? Sign me up! Snow White getting "TRAMP" sprayed across her car when the rest of the town hears about their already pretty public romance? No thanks.

If you're going to try and ground this fantasy world in real-life issues like cheating, then you have to treat things like vandalism seriously, or they have no weight. While we love this show for being ridiculous and thinking someone could spray paint a person's car (in broad daylight) — and that would be the end of it — it's also pretty insulting. As an audience member, we like stupid fun, but we're not idiots. It's time to make with the CG crickets, because pretending this is reality is moronic.

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But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's discuss the full episode first before we ask for Emma's badge back. This
week was all about Snow White and Charming. Still engaged to the blonde princess of pout, Charming gets chased through the kingdom by Widmore and his definitely non-ridiculous looking band of knights.

But his plans are altered when he's captured by the Princess of Pout's henchman. Instead of forcing Charming to marry her, she reveals that she too is unhappy about their marriage contract. Pout wants to marry Frederick (the gym teacher in Storybrooke) but sadly for her loins, Frederick was turned to gold by her father Midas' touch. And because the writers on this show had a whole hour to kill, Charming decides to help Princess Pout — and heads off to a magical lake guarded by an evil beast!

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No real surprise here, the monster is a Lady. The Lady of the Lake tries to tempt Charming with her witchy ways, walks on water (which was cool) and eventually transforms into Snow White, which fools the absent-minded Prince. This is something we do not really understand at all, because Charming physically saw this monster shape shift into Snow White. Ah well, magic and all that rot.

Charming saves the day, and Frederick the Convenient is freed from his gold prison. Meanwhile, in the real world, Charming has decided to break things off with his wife. So he does. But instead of revealing the whole truth about his affair with the town's teacher, he just says it's over. And since this world is only comprised of good and bad people this lie is "a bad." Which means Charming's wife has to show up and slap Snow White in the face in front of a ton of children. Good job everyone.

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Now the cat is out of the bag, Snow White is assaulted on the street by townsfolk she used to be friends with. "You should be ashamed of yourself," snarls the Grandma. Ashamed for what? For having an affair with the man in a coma that no one knew or spent any time with, because they're all strangely loyal to his wife, who we also did not know until a few weeks ago? Storybrooke: Population 700 Self Righteous Assholes. TRAMP is painted across her car, Snow snaps and BREAKS THINGS OFF WITH CHARMING, because he didn't tell his wife WHY he was leaving her. Clearly he's revealed the affair so no one would blame Snow White, and this wouldn't be a giant disaster, or something. These idiots deserve each other.

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In even bigger (and equally disappointing) news the sexy Stranger has revealed his name. And oh what a name it was! From here on out the hairy, motorcycle riding, typewriter carrying, necklace herder's shall be known as August Wayne Booth.

*FART NOISE*

August W. Booth. That's not a name — that's the title two leathered Arizona hippies assign to their favorite aloe plant.

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Oof, just oof. And ugh, and yuck. What is going on with this series? That is motherfucking Pvt. Webster! You treat him with the sexspect he deserves! Sigh. Moving on, another interesting thing we learned about AUGUST was that he's very interested in Henry's Once Upon A Time book. And by interested we mean he takes the whole thing apart, dips it in liquid, dries the pages, and then stitches it all back together. Why, we have no idea, we assume it has something to do with his name and the magic wishing well that returns the lost. Anyone else secretly hoping that this wish will bring back the skinny Hipster Huntsman?

All in all, we're terribly disappointed in a town that can so quickly turn on its beloved teacher. You should be better than this, Storybrookians. We're also a little bummed at the Stranger's name reveal. But even at the end of a disappointing episode, trying to force the star crossed lover plot so hard it actually pulled the Romeo And Juliet "they never got the message" storyline, we'll still tune in next week. Because we love that the Evil Queen was the culprit behind the spray paint, and because The Stranger (we will NOT call him August) still looks good in leather. But mostly we want to see this whole town eat crow when Snow and Charming hook up big time in the finale. We'll be calling you out one by one when the season finale hits, Storydicks.