In 1994, the Air Force proposed a magic bomb designed to turn foes into gay vampires with bad breath

In 1994, the United States Air Force proposed spending $7.5 million on a six-year plan to develop non-lethal chemical deterrents that could be sprayed on enemy combatants.

Like some pacifist warlock determined not to use lightning bolts or any stripe of magic missile, the brain trust at Ohio's Wright Laboratory began investigating a yet-to-be-invented batch of "harassing, annoying, and 'bad guy' identifying chemicals." And even though the project ultimately never went anywhere, it will forever be immortalized as the most famous occasion the United States military ever tried to transmogrify opponents into homosexual Draculas.

The report reads not unlike a memorandum from the odd day COBRA screwed up their order to the laser rifle factory and left Dr. Mindbender in charge with a box of crayons and a bag of rubber cement. The document begins with the recommendation that the Air Force research...

Chemicals that attract annoying creatures to the enemy position and make the creatures aggressive and annoying. Stinging and biting bugs, rodents, and larger animals would be candidates to be drawn to the enemy position.

It doesn't detail which larger animals would be unwittingly conscripted, but let's just assume ostrich pheromone was on the table. Later, the report takes a turn for all things Wicker...

Chemicals that attract bees and cause them to sting would have to be created.

And even impels scientists to discover the Anti-Mentos Equation:

Obvious and Annoying Chemicals [include] a low toxicity compound of [REDACTED] that still retaining the characteristic of creating [REDACTED] (severe and lasting halitosis) for those exposed in small concentrations.

But by far the most infamous paragraph of this report detailed those "we're working on it" chemicals that would alter human behavior such that foes would become a genus of pansexual morlock:

Chemicals that affect human behavior so that discipline and morale in enemy units is adversely effected [sic]. One distasteful but completely non-lethal example would be strong aphrodisiacs, especially if the chemical caused homosexual behavior. Another example would be a chemical that made personnel very sensitive to sunlight.

To top this all off, there's an incredibly terse and dry "New Discoveries Needed" section that takes all of the scientific progress required to build this stinky, lusty miasma for granted. Here's the full report, which was exposed by the Sunshine Project in 2005.

[Spotted on Improbable Research]