Movies Now in Theaters

Silent House proves that "one-trick pony" horror movies need to be put down

Why does it always happen this way? What starts out as an genuinely interesting approach to a horror film climaxes with the thud-heard-round-the-world. Here's the thing, when you already have one excellent gimmick (cobbling an 88-minute movie together out of 10 shots, so it feels like it's happening in real time) you don't need any more! But by the end Silent House, starring Elizabeth Olsen, just can't help itself. And it's crushingly disappointing to watch. Spoilers ahead. More »


Movies Now in TheatersSJohn Carter will dazzle you with the best (and worst) of retro futurism

Ultimately, the problem with John Carter is that it's perhaps too true to its origins, a pulp story by Edgar Rice Burroughs that was retro-futuristic even when it was first published a century ago, and feels even more awkwardly anachronistic today. It's an old-fashioned vision of tomorrow that weaves far too clumsily between modern sensibilities and dated ones. More »


Movies Now in TheatersSIntroducing an invasive species will totally help you get laid

What does it take for an uptight science geek to get the hot girl? Apparently, it's all about geo-engineering. Ladies love it when you terraform the Earth! More »


Movies Now in TheatersA review of a midnight show of A Thousand Words, that shitty Eddie Murphy movie about a magic tree

I discovered fourteen people: three middle-aged couples, two cadres of stoned NYU students (both modifiers presumed, given the proximity of the dorms to the theater and the fact that they were way too entertained by The Three Stooges ad), and sixty-something man in the front (who did not appear to be masturbating). All in all, I rate this moviegoing experience a solid B+ as I did not die during any point in the film. More »


Movies Now in TheatersWhy McG's new romcom is secretly a Star Trek movie

In This Means War, actors Chris Pine and Tom Hardy play two CIA wetworks operatives who fold the Constitution into a tiny origami water closet to woo Reese Witherspoon, who in turn plays a boringly attractive career woman. On one hand, this is the first film to mine Americans' eroding civil liberties for a PG-13 romantic comedy. But with an open mind, This Means War becomes something else entirely - a stealth Star Trek sequel. More »


Movies Now in TheatersSThe Lorax: A Movie Whose Heart is 9 Sizes Too Small

The Lorax is everything it claims to be against. It's plastic. It's fake. It's utterly disposable. It has no love in its heart for nature, or for anything else. They took one of Dr. Seuss' most famous books and turned it into a dull comedy, full of tedious pop-culture in-jokes and bland songs. Interspersed with environmental lecturing that manages to be both shrill and boring. How did the creators of Despicable Me ever go so wrong? More »


Movies Now in TheatersAustralia's answer to The Hunger Games will leave you hungry

Tomorrow, When The War Began is based on a famous series of Australian books about naughty Asians invading Oz. But the timing of the movie's Stateside release obviously has more to do with Hunger Games fever - here's another film about a group of teenagers dealing with an apocalyptic, dystopian scenario, featuring a strong female lead who kicks loads of ass. (Even though this particular apocalypse is limited to Australia.) More »


Movies Now in TheatersIn Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, Nicolas Cage will eat your damn soul

Before you see Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, consider the following question: "Does the mantra 'Put the bunny back in the box?' make the tiny follicles on the nape of my neck stand up?" More »


Movies Now in TheatersThe Rock is here to guide you into manhood among the giant lizards

The Rock is here to teach you about being a man, while man-handling tiny elephants and riding around on giant bees. The Rock is strong but sensitive, and he's downright eager to guide you over the threshold into a new world of confusing sexuality, in which the scat of massive birds sprays all over people's faces and chests. More »


Movies Now in TheatersChronicle is a superhero origin story done right

Chronicle cost approximately 1/20th as much to make as last year's Green Lantern - and it looks way cooler. This movie about teenagers who get superpowers has some of the coolest depictions of superpowers we've seen in ages. Whether they're flying or tossing shit around, the teenagers in Chronicle always feel like they're really doing this. More »