The Twisted Tale of Once Upon A Time's Big Bad Wolf

Last week on Once Upon a Time, we watched two adorable Precious Moments dolls fall in love. And this week, we're picking through human remains in the blood-covered snow. This show hates consistency like Ruby hates pants! And speaking of the lean giantess, this week was all about Ruby, her Red Riding Hood backstory, and one big fat tweeeeest!

Spoilers ahead...

We pick up right where we left off last week, Prince Charming is at the place where Emma eats her sandwiches (known to real cops as a police station). There he sits sipping on juice, while one of of Emma's many leather jackets questions him about his wife's mysterious disappearance. Charming stares at Emma and fills the air with idiotic statements like, "I hope wherever my missing wife is.... she's warm."

I actually no longer believe that Charming is a human person — rather, I think his true fantasyland persona is actually Flower, the skunk from Bambi. If this curse broke tomorrow and the entire cast was sent back to fairyland, I would assume Charming would sheepishly reveal to Snow White that he isn't a human male. Instead he is a shy, cartoon skunk who adores sleeping in clusters of dandelions. I know this guy was in a coma, but did he wake up an idiot? He knows what a divorce and an affair are, but has no idea that the whole town thinks he murdered his wife?

I just can't go with this character any more. And to think it was so freaking hot whenever he showed up on his white horse, all "I'll always find you." Bring back that guy, the guy that killed a dragon. Not the man who now suffers from sudden blackouts. So Prince Charming is the chief suspect, and things get even worse when a human heart is discovered in a box, next to the river with Snow White's finger prints all over it. Bottom line: We get to see Snow White's mug shot next week! Which is something I'm actually really looking forward to.

Here's the problem I have with the dark side of Once Upon A Time — when the characters act like Disney cartoons, the punishment never seems to fit the crime. Things were great when there was sex mixed in with the tiny wee huntsman and squished hearts. But framing Snow White and Charming, where's the fun in that, they're idiots! This is puppy-kicking territory, and it just feels wrong, and not in a way you want to champion. Wrong in a "OK great, when will all of this be solved really easily" way.

And the twist! The silver lining on this episode was hands down, Red Riding Hood's secret backstory. I always liked Ruby, all the way down to the costume department's ridiculous need to put red on everything she wears (we get it) with a dollop of slutty halloween waitress to top it off.

But in the fairytale world, Red Riding Hood is a bit different. She's a woodland critter with a great tracking ability, a crazy protective Granny, and a crazy love for Peter (presumably from Peter and the Wolf). Sadly, her magical story has a tragic ending. Turns out the Big Bad Wolf in this story is actually Red. But before she finds out, Red wrongly deduces that the magical werewolf must be Peter. Chained to a tree, Peter waits for the night while Red watches over him. This is a mistake, because Peter's chains make him the perfect snack for werewolf Red. And she eats him. Did anyone see this coming? I was pretty surprised, especially after the show paraded around both Leather Jacket Many Necklace August (still a terrible name) and the creepy doctor from Heroes, as potential wolves.

It was a great little fairy tale. Plus it had a dark ending I could swallow, which also fit the characters, and shed a little light onto what a bad ass Granny is. This is the right kind of horror for these characters. Let's hope the rest of the real world can find a way to live up to their second lives, just like Red.

All in all, this show still feels wildly unbalanced — but I still want to tune in and see Snow White get a mug shot! I think if we keep the super silly "egg-hatching bearded men" crap at bay, we can slowly wade back into the blood these fairy legends were born from.