Once Upon a Time is firmly grinding its collective heels into the ground while holding its breath and screaming for mom that it doesn't want to leave. Don't get us wrong, Robert Carlyle is the officer and a gentleman of our scenery-chewing dreams, but holy shit! Let's get this show on the road.

After a long break, Once Upon a Time is back and not really taking any action whatsoever. This episode was hyped to hell as some sort of big Rumpelstiltskin reveal. But instead it wasn't! Once again, we all followed the super obvious bread loaves strewn all over tarnation by the show only to find yet another dead end. We all thought Sexy-He-Who-Wears-A-Lot-Of-Jewelry was Rumpel's son. But it was all a farce!

Instead, September Dew Drop Morning (or August for those paying attention at home) wanted Rumpel to think that he was his son, so he could get the magic power knife that doesn't work in this realm anyways. At the end of the day this is what we learned. Rumpel feels really bad for ditching his son in the real world and not being father enough to leave his dark one powers behind and join him. LALALA THE END!

Once Upon a Time is going down the magic drainS

Let me make one thing clear, I love this show and its well endowed fairies. Love it! I screamed when Terrible Cop Emma showed up and chainsawed the Mayor's apple tree, cheered when Snow White had an affair, adored simply ADORED the Little Red Riding Hood menstrual werewolf episode, and cried when the Queen squeezed sexy hipster sheriff's heart to death. It was dark and silly and full of the puppy-porn-butterfly-kisses-kind-of-sexing that allowed us to watch this show with our parents.

But now we are treading water and have been for some time. Sweet Christ, can something happen? Please? This show has a great thing going for it with the whole Prince Charming thinking Show White is a murderer. That was easily the best part of last night's episode. Take it in. The Prince thinks his main lady KILLED SOMEONE. HA! And OF COURSE she's pissed! Wouldn't you be? She should hit him with her car. But you know she won't because the two are bashert.

Instead we spent our time with the delightful (tragically giggle free) Robert Carlyle and his adorable bunny of a son. It was nice and all, but I like my Carlyle with a dash of blood. Sure we found out Rump's reasoning behind starting a curse, and saw a bit of humanity in him, but this was all previously demonstrated in the Beauty and the Beast scenario. We know there's still good in him. It wasn't a bad episode, but we expect more from a Rumpel reveal. It was all too easy. Son has a problem, Son gets a magic bean. Son uses magic bean, Rumpel abandons his son and regrets it.

That's not to say the episode was devoid of charming moments the rent gag was pretty adorable, but I find it hard to believe that Mr. Gold would be surprised that everyone in town views him in such a manner (but it was still funny). Also watching Carlyle let his son fall into the portal was absolutely fantastic, but it just wasn't the end-of-season goods we're looking for this late in the game. Anyone else think we should have spent more time with Catherine? Ah well! The real point is there are three episodes left and no one had anything particularly good to throw into the fourth-to-last episode. It's time to take it to the next level Once, Grimm is beating you (in overall fairy tale enjoyment) for goodness' sakes.

The silver lining! I think I caught a preview where the Mayor is tied to a tree and Emma has a sword. I'm 100% sure this is a dream, but then again there are dwarves that hatch out of eggs as fully dressed adults in this show. Until next week, let's pick it up Pinocchio.