Superhero romance is a bit like unstable nitroglycerine, in that A.) it's very rarely handled well; and B.) it often blows up in everybody's face. Here are ten times your favorite crime-stoppers experienced relationship foibles mere mortals like you and I can barely comprehend. Remember when Superman made an adult movie and Colossus had a threesome?
10. Superman's Kissing Cousin
When: JLA/JSA: Vice and Virtue (2002)
So it was retroactively creepy when Power Girl laid a smooch on him as a distraction during a 2002 fight between the Justice League and the Justice Society. How come? We would later discover in 2006's Infinite Crisis that Power Girl is Superman's cousin from a parallel universe.
Does that make it any less awkward? I suppose it boils down to your stance on doppelgängercest.
9. Colossus Loses His Virginity In A Threesome
When: Uncanny X-Men #115 (1978)
Everyone tends to assume that the X-Man Colossus lost his virginity to his longtime girlfriend Kitty Pryde, but that wasn't exactly the case. No, on a trip to the Savage Land early in his career, the metal mutant engaged in a memorial service/ménage à trois with the local ladies. He promptly fathered an illegitimate child with one of the women, a plot everyone ignores nowadays.
8. Wolverine And Squirrel Girl
When: New Avengers #7 (2010)
For most of her superheroic career, Squirrel Girl has been depicted as a happy-go-lucky teenager with the power to defeat any foe she stumbles across. But as of a few years back, she's been depicted as a former fling of noted philanderer Wolverine — she even occupies a special spot in his psychic sex dungeon. But portrayals of Squirrel Girl oscillate between fresh-faced ingénue and savvy twenty-something, leaving oodles of statutory questions wholly unanswered.
7. Robin's Blowjob Face
When: Nightwing #135 (2007)
Who did the Dark Knight's sidekick Dick Grayson (a.k.a. Robin a.k.a. Nightwing) loses his Bat-virginity to? If you answered Starfire — the bubbly space alien he canoodled with during his tenure on the Teen Titans — then you'd be incorrect. No, Dick Grayson cashed in his V-Card with Liu, a corporate saboteur who used him to infiltrate Waynetech. In addition to this broken trust, Dick's visage of ecstasy was put on display during a particularly unflattering flashback.
6. Ant-Man And Wasp's Foreplay
When: Avengers #71 (2003)
As Earth's Mightiest Heroes, even the Avengers are not impervious to embarrassing erotic escapades unknown to normal civilians.
One issue of The Avengers saw the formerly estranged couple of Ant-Man and Wasp using their size-changing powers to reenact that godawful John Mayer song. I can't imagine anyone's body is a wonderland when human pores are the size of potholes.
5. Sex With The Punisher
When: Punisher MAX #21 (2005)
There's nothing particularly extraordinary about sleeping with the Punisher — the guy's gone on much weirder adventures — but the guy certainly isn't much for cuddling. Also, it's intercourse with the Punisher! I imagine that's like sex with a golem! Made of rebar! In Antarctica! During a solar eclipse!
4. Havok Falls In Love While Asleep
When: Chuck Austen's run on Uncanny X-Men (2002)
Chuck Austen's tenure on Uncanny X-Men was renowned for transforming Marvel's merry mutants into a bunch of jabbering hornball twits. The soap operatics ratcheted up to Wagnerian levels when Havok stood up his longtime girlfriend Polaris at the altar because he was secretly in love with his nurse, with whom he fell in love during a psychic coma.
This plot was so groan-worthy and convoluted that every X-Men writer since has condemned Nurse Annie to the narrative pit of no return.
On the plus side, Polaris did get a Gambit impersonator to strip for her bachelorette party. (Nightcrawler hired a mutant shapeshifter to imitate Nurse Annie. Filthy blue elf!)
3. Deathstroke The Pervy Terminator
When: New Teen Titans #39 (1984)
Slade "Deathstroke the Terminator" Wilson has the reputation as the ultimate gentlemen mercenary, but this little incident shuttled those credentials in one fell swoop.
When it came time to bring the Teen Titans down from the inside, Deathstroke recruited the aid of Terra, a chain-smoking teenage hellion with seismic powers. That's well and evil, but Deathstroke also thought it would be quite dashing to sleep with her on the side.
Or did he? When later confronted by Terra's ex-boyfriend Beast Boy, Slade played it demure, which is impossible when you're an AARP member sleeping with a high-schooler.
2. Archangel's Sky Sex
When: Uncanny X-Men #440 (2004)
Hey, more of Chuck Austen's roundly maligned tenure on Uncanny X-Men, founding X-member Archangel began a relationship with a much younger mutant named Husk.
Sure, everyone's (allegedly) the age of consent, but they consummate their new love by having sex in the sky while her mother and that aforementioned dirty dog Nightcrawler watch on.
1. Superman Is Brainwashed Into Making A Porno
When: Action Comics #592-593 (1987)
During this infamous arc by John Byrne, one of Darkseid's minions named Sleez uses his mind control to force Big Barda and Superman to make a blue film. Barda's husband Mister Miracle later watches this footage, with hilarious results.
Why would Sleez do this instead of, oh, forcing Superman to fly headfirst into a black hole? Because he needs money to fund his own evil army! That's right, he's planning on selling Superman's sex tape!
But wait! He has Superman at his very mercy! Why doesn't he just conquer the world with a single mind-wiped Kryptonian? Sleez really didn't think this one through.
BONUS: That time Benjamin Franklin banged Dr. Strange's ladyfriend. It's extremely head-aching inducing.
BONUS #2: That Green Lantern story wherein Hal Jordan shacks up with a child who rapidly ages herself to adulthood so she can date him.
Top image: Colossus by The Brothers Hildebrandt from the immortal 1995 Marvel Swimsuit Special.