For a while now, Once Upon A Time has been veering wildly between episodes that were either 100% cheeseball or 100% darkness. But that pattern appears to have been broken.
Last night's "An Apple Red As Blood" was the second episode in a row to deliver a tasty blend of both darkness and cheese. Was it clever? Nope. But it did have fairies at war, and Prince Charming howling about love, complete with fluttering eyelids, into his dungeon. It's akin to that moment of clarity you get from blowing rails of grated Parmesan Cheese while someone punches you in the nose. Right before the blinding pain, all you can see are giant, beautiful fairy breasts. So they'd better be worth it. And last night's installment of OUaT almost was. Almost.
The episode had the most obvious plot twist between The Queen, Snow and Henry, but that's OK. We all know that Snow had to wind up in the glass coffin somehow (thanks to the pilot.) And this week, they showed us how that happened.
The Queen kidnaps Prince Charming and holds him for ransom. But not before Snow White and her army of people you've met this season try and storm a castle to save him. It's hilarious. The fairies throw fairy bombs... which... is this a thing now? Are fairy-light-powder bombs the norm now? Is this common knowledge? (Because it seems like everyone is doing fairy bombs, or just True Blood. But let's be honest, this is the internet and if there are two things I can mention, that means EVERYONE IS DOING IT. The end.)
Moving on, so there's a battle and everyone loses — because Charming isn't there! He's actually with the Queen, and Snow now has egg on her face. The Queen sets up a parley (which is a term we all know now thanks to that "Johnny Depp is a Pirate now" movie) and tells Snow that she must eat the evil apple that'll imprison her mind in her lifeless body forever, or she will kill Charming. Snow eats the apple almost immediately and we all applaud her bravery and self-sacrifice. Oh, this show. There is no in between, only good and bad, plus a wooden man-child who likes to go to Thailand on a motorcycle.
Meanwhile in the real world Regina freaks the shit out and uses her last bit of magic to pull out said evil apple, thanks to the Mad Hatter — which, HOW IS HE NOT IN JAIL?
Then she makes a pie, and Henry immediately eats it. There was no question that Henry was going to eat it, that pie had his name frosted onto it. Now his comatose body will be the thing that makes Emma "believe." She will kiss him, and it will awaken him because true love. Then this season will end with Emma being like, "Oh now I know, bitch, and I'm going to kick your ass and run around town clanging these pots together squawking 'We're all fairy tales,' and then we'll all go back together or something." All kidding aside, the promo makes it look like Emma beats the shit out of Regina in a closet, which is something I've been waiting for, FOREVER! There's no magic in this world bitch, just THESE FISTS!
Finally, the dream sequence. Oh dear me this was hilarious. Did anyone else think all the actors look they were half a second from breaking this entire time? Yay for Emma making that face when she throws the sword. Regina is getting hers, and it's really fun to watch. Even in dream land.