There are so many emotions to feel about last night's True Blood. So many emotions. On one hand, there was the formation of supernatural power couple Steve Newlin and Jessica, the return of Russell, baby wolves in PJs and the introduction of the razor jawed savior of man with the eyes of an undead frost King. On the other, a lot of plot slowing mumbo jumbo character jibber jabber.... But basically, Meloni wins.
Last night was the night we met Roman. We've seen Mr. Meloni take on criminals, convicts and one camp fridge, but nothing could have prepared us to watch the great Meloni slap around our favorite flaxen-haired Vampire Viking and his flopsy mime friend Vampire Bill. It was scrumtrulescent.
But when we weren't hanging out with wolves in jammies, Steve Newlin or (most importantly) Meloni, this episode just dragged. Just because Alan Ball has decided to cast 10,000 people in True Blood, that doesn't mean we have to spend time with each one in every episode. Thankfully this episode did introduce the strange Rick Santorum plot line Ball has been hinting at, and it's delivered exactly how you would expect. On the nose, in your face and full of groans. Hooray True Blood!
Con: Tara is some sort of idiot vampire.
Double Con: Just realized that Tara is Pam's Vampire Daughter, which means we'll probably be adulterating our precious Pam time with Tara time. That is just unacceptable.
Pro: Pam calls Sookie and Lafayette "kiddos."
Con: The adventures of Ike Applebaum and Marcellus Clarke are officially over.
Pro: Vampire Technology! Bill and Eric are taken to the secret Authority basement, guarded by blood locks. Love these silly throwaway world-building moments. Fancy Vampires open doors this way!
Pro: Vampire Basement for Important Vampire Business!
Pro: Meanwhile back inside Marcus... Hey Alcide!
Con: There is a lot of mixed messages within this wolfpack. So do they want him to leave or not? Why are we still spending our time grieving over Marcus, he was a non character! Alcide will no doubt find some other leather-jacketed creature to eye-fuck the shit out of — let's just let this sleeping dog lie. #dogpuns
Pro: Alcide leaves and everyone starts muttering "fuck, fucker, fuck, fuck." Seriously. Then this guy leans at Sam.
Con: IMPORTANT IRAQ WAR FLASHBACK! NO CHANCE OF THIS RUINING 5 YEARS OF QUALITY TERRY CHARACTER BUILDING. NONE AT ALL. NO WORRIES HERE FOLKS.
Con: Tara smash. Is still not dead.
Pro: GINGER! We missed you! You look great! *HUGS*
Pro:Our first Historical Vampire Flashback of the season! And it contains Campari and Cocaine and Pam. Delightful. Let's just cut to the chase on this one, and lump the whole completely unnecessary flashback into one Pro. So we're going to learn about how Eric and Pam met? Excellent.
Pro: Pam's angry voice message on Eric's phone. That fact that she used their "business" as an excuse to call him, and that her voice cracks on the final "call me." We've been there, lady.
Con: Cheers to the totally unnecessary baby-eating character. No way he'll come back as a convenient plot hole-filling character later. No way at all.
Pro: Second episode and we're getting Historical Vampire Flashbacks AND Vampire Torture!? We usually have to wait until the end of the season for most of these tricks. Wahoo! Also UV torture, clever.
Con: Back to the werewolves, sigh, Sam is suddenly on Team Grandma. Does he NOT remember the torture that just happened a few hours ago? "What if Emma is a wolf?" What about it? So we should ship her off to the pack of torture happy, cannibal hillbillies outside? For a Wall Street shape shifting bar owner, Sam certainly left all his life experience in the last episode.
Con: Tara is screaming. All. Of. The. Time. Is. Not. Dead.
Pro: Sookie uses Eric's silver chains from last season. Which prompts this question from my roommate:
-"Why are those chains hurting the vampire?"
-"Because they're silver, and silver burns vampires."
-"That is like 50 bucks an ounce."
-"Eric is a really rich vampire."
- "Fuck this show."
Pro: Cut to Jason and Andy, because there are 1,000 characters on this show. They talk about sex. It's important that True Blood remind you that there are a lot of characters on this show, and they all have trivial plots we're going to be forced to follow this season. Like Andy (whom we love) and Holly and her awful kids. Although the "Ooooh, crazy Sharon" moment was pretty funny.
Con: Andy and Jason find Hero Debbie Pelt's car. Moment of silence.
Pro: The Stake House.
Con: The fact that Sookie didn't buy the silver nail polish. Damnit.
Con: Lala tries to kill Tara, fails.
Con: Jason is watching Steve on the TV, pissed he didn't come out. Mmmhmm.
Con: Terry is Frankenstein now. And we all have to live with that.
Pro: Here comes the Rick Santorum plot. The Authority is trying to find out if Eric and Bill are Saguinistas (or something) — that's a group of fundamentalist vampires, who believe in the literal translation of the VAMPIRE BIBLE (ha!). After saying "huMON" a lot in a torture scene with Bill, the audience realizes that The Authority is trying to extinguish the fundamentalists, because they are jeopardizing the vampires' recent mainstreaming agenda. By these standards, Russell Edgington is the Michele Bachmann or Rick Santorum of the vampire world. So, people who are for ultra conservative literal translations of the Bible (anti gay marriage, etc) are monsters that want to rip the spine out of America. Not going to get political (and not that I disagree) but the whole "fundamentalist" speech was so Christmas ham fisted up my own backside I'm not going to walk right for weeks. But that's kind of how we all like it from True Blood, isn't it?
...VAMPIRE BIBLE (Ha ha!)
Pro: After the Vampire Fundamentalists speech and an excellent "not so much" Eric retort, we are treated to yet another amazing moment. Steve Newlin and Jessica together. We should all be thankful for the many gif-makers that will have weeks of good work after Newlin's little prick jig. Excellent.
Pro: Important question. Who turned Steve Newlin?
Pro: Jessica gives Steve a fang boner, and then a real boner. It's like Steve knows his internet gif potential.
Pro: Hair pulling? Really?
Pro: BABY WOLF IN PAJAMAS! BABY WOLF IN PAJAMAS! BABY WOLF IN PAJAMAS! *Throws hands in air, runs around screaming!*
Pro: Look, I love you, Hoyt, and your sleeveless T-shirt, and I'm gonna let you finish. But you are taking up important Meloni time. Very torn.
Con: Tara tells Sookie and Lala that she will never forgive them for saving her life. Yep, looks like her brain is all healed and back to being the worst.
Pro: MELONI, MOTHERFUCKERS.
Pro: Meloni gives a creepy Vampire Communion with the blood of Lilith the first vampire. Which is fairly accurate as far as beliefs into how vampires were created. After the ceremony, Meloni walks around rubbing his hands on Nora's face while she's tied up, ME NEXT, ME NEXT.
Con: Meloni says "pickle." And "Lilith help me." Because Lilith is their god, GET IT? You get it.
Con: Meloni's lines are kind of... awful. This is not good Meloni usage. HOWEVER Meloni is kind of like pizza, even when it's bad, it's still pizza you want to have sex with.
Pro: Meloni regains his form by lowering his eyelids and screaming. Kind of a soft opening for such an amazing dragon of a man. But that's OK, don't want to blow our wad this early on, we get it. I will wait for you Meloni. I will wait for you forever, in a ice cream shop with a milkshake and double straw. Forever.
Pro: Is Lilith behind the doors inside The Authority's meeting room? If so, there's your finale right there.
Until next week may all your boners be fang boners.