Last night, True Blood used Vampire Lady Business to get to the bottom of — erm well, Vampire Business. Plus we got a new Nan Flanigan, and apparently the Fairies are back. Sorry, everyone! But please, let me break it down to you Pro/Con style. Spoilers ahead...
Pro: Tara looks with her new vampire eyes. I won't be a hater — the vampire vision is cool. Completely and utterly wasted on this character, but still very cool.
Con: Tara gets a fang boner, because of her recently convenient lesbianism. Also because she's a vampire now, so blood.
Con: Back in the Vampire Basement where the meeting of ridiculous vampires is still taking place. Together each member goes round the table and see if their particular accent can-out ridiculous the other. We are the losers.
Is anyone else horribly disappointed by the big Authority reveal? These figures have been lingering in the shadows for years on this series. And finally now, in the 5th season, the majestic faces of the vampire law have been revealed... and this is it? A board room of strange stereotypes, a collection of silver jails, and magical silver IV torture devices that only lasting impact appear to be moments of pained faces and gurgle screams. I'm not feeling this clan of vamps just yet. Christopher Heyerdahl is exempt from this on delivery alone, but others... let's stop talking about the True Death and start dealing it out. True Death for you! True Death for you!
Con: Meloni has now been on True Blood for two episodes, and he hasn't killed or sexed anything. Also, he is STILL talking about Vampire Politics for Dummies? Russell Edgington is the Sanguinista's Osama Bin Laden? LOL Ok. Any hope we had about this whole "Rick Santorum Fundamentalist" issue being handled artistically was just flushed down the toilet with my "Tara could still be dead" fantasies that I was desperately clinging on to. Oof and Woof.
Pro: Rev. Steve Newlin is the "new" Nan Flanigan. Now that's more like it.
Pro: I love how Meloni just says "send in the new Nan Flanigan." This show has completely given up on including any new viewers, hasn't it?
Pro: Pam is Vampire Texting! Aw. Memories.
Pro: Pam says it best. "Fuck Tara and Fuck You." Yes. More of this.
Pro: Sookie finger blasts Pam, my roommate interjects:
"Wewaaaaaaah was that?"
"Sookie is a fairy."
"Of course she is."
"You see, fairies..."
"Nope, I'm good."
Con: More vampire Tara, this time with Sam! Who seems perfectly fine after being beaten to death and cut open by a pack of werewolves.
Pro: Meloni rubs Newlin's face like so. This feels right. Goodbye, table full of vampire rejects — hello, inappropriate vampire office touching! Also, new Newlin gif!
Pro: On the positive side, it's relieving to see that Newlin is being utilized on a grander scale, instead of being used as just another character there to objectify (or be objectified by) Jason. There's a lot you can do with this character, now that he's switched to team vampire. I'm very excited to see where this character story will lead.
Pro: Newlin says something about how Elvis was spotted, INSIDE JOKE FOR PEOPLE WHO READ!
Con: Meloni continues on about how we should respect humans. Bored now.
Pro: Sanguinistas believe that humans should be farmed and kept like slaves (note to future plotline).
Pro: Moving right along, Eric and Bill show up for their totally not ridiculous cross harness in totally not ridiculous Matching Jumpsuits! Remember when another adult on the street asks you what you did last night, you now have to tell them you watched two adult males pretend to be vampires in matching jump suits, strap on a pair of cross S&M harness that would pretend kill them via iphone app.
Pro: Tina Majorino pops by as a totally adorable (even if completely stereotypical) short-haired tech girl! But that's OK because Tina is awesome. Spin off webseries please! Tina helps the Southern Vampire Lady upgrade her MacBook Pro!
Pro: Eric says, "Something something training bra," I don't know, ever since they simultaneously took off their matching track suits I've been laughing and rolling around on the carpet like the dog when it's trying to itch its back.
Pro: I forgot to mention how happy I was to have Cop Kevin around last week, I'm sorry, Kevin. You are amazing, and we're super happy you're back!
Con: Holly's kids post a picture of Andy (who is sleeping with their mom) on Facebook, naked, next to their Mom, with the caption "Mom Fucker." I don't think True Blood knows how kids work that well.
Con: Also, when did "Girlfriend Fucker" and "Mom Fucker" become the hot new burns in Bon Temps. I still don't feel like those are huge burns. Well, not for the person who is doing the fucking at least.
Pro: Hey, Alcide.
Con: The parents of Debbie Pelt, Hero of True Blood, show up. They deserve respect. Give them back their daughter. Also, NEW CHARACTERS!
Con: 'Nother NEW CHARACTER, the teacher that raped Jason. When he was a child. Or at least that is what this show is fiddlin' pretty damn hard in this grocery store.
Pro: Pickles means sex, right?
Pro: Awesome Fanny pack Arlene.
Pro: Sam thinks about Sookie's boobs, so Sookie can't read his thoughts. Is a real thing that happened last night.
Pro: Sam sympathizes with Sookie for turning Tara into a blood drinking walking murder machine against her will because of his brother's death (but mostly I suspect it's because of boobs). Then again Tommy would have made one hell of an awesome illiterate vampire... I miss Tommy.
Pro: The longest Historical Vampire Flashback in the history of True Bloodianism continues. Back at Pam's brothel. True Blood keeps it classy. Herp lip classy.
Pro: LOREANA! Oh girl, oh, oh, oh, oh girl I miss you too. I miss your crazy blood tears and your crazy weird head twist sex *sigh* we miss you. In this flashback we realize that not only is this the tale of how Pam met Eric, it's also the story of how Eric met Bill. Which, that seems easier, right? They all met in a whore house in San Francisco. Loreana and Bill are eating up all of Pam's good ladies, and Eric comes in to lay down the law (and later, Pam — BA-ZING!). The best part of this historical vampire flashback isn't that this is when we see Eric and Pam kiss, or how Pam kind of forces vampire parenthood onto Eric with a suicide attempt (maybe). No, the best part of this HVF was Eric and Bill just eye fucking the shit out of each other.
Pro: Jason explains his current dating status as only Jason can, "Right now, I'm fuck buddies with the love of my best friend's life who is a teenage vampire."
Con:Back at Merlotte's Alcide shows up and asks Sooks if she has seen Debbie Pelt. Sooks lies and says no. Again the whole reasoning behind this coverup is that Sookie feels really bad for defending herself against a woman who attacked her in her own home, shot her best friend, and has a previous record of also trying to kill her. Because Sookie "wanted" Debbie Pelt to die, she has now trapped Lala in cover up and possible assisted murder or cover up something charge. Because of her feelings, in her brain. Now, she's lying to Alcide. Let's hope Sookie is thrown in jail.
Con: The worst part about this whole murder cover up is that Lala is involved. Sookie tells Lafayette that he needs to "Be [his] fabulous self." Remember what that was like? Remember the fun? Remember the times when he would ask haters who ordered the Hamburger with AIDS, or the "ring ring hooker" or when he made Jason dance for drugs. I miss those days. Now it seems Lala has been demoted to gay reactionary. He's better than that.
Con: Sheriff Andy asks Holly to go steady. True Blood forgets we do not care about this character.
Con: Swinging back to Jason and his teacher — because if there aren't 18 plots going on in any given episode of True Blood, the genie who granted Alan Ball his three wishes will turn him back into the orange tabby who lives behind Chateau Marmont... Jason is sad because he's now realizing that he was probably (probably right this isn't certain) raped as a little boy. Being trained by a bunch of Hillbilly werepeople, not that big of an emotional trigger surprisingly.
Pro: Salome is the Salome from the Bible. Of course she is. She tells Bill that his "Rise has been quite impressive." Heh.
Pro: They immediately have through-the-pants sex.
Pro: Jessica meets a European Fairy Pimp. NEW CHARACTER!
Pro: Upon smelling said fairy she busts out of the door in the most adorable manner ever. God help her, everything she does is adorable. All of it.
Con: Hoytt's arms are cold. *SIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH*
Con: Pam's single tear. I feel for Pam — she keeps getting shit on by Eric. He's been a totally midlife crisis Vampire Dad with a trashy new girlfriend to his Vampire Daughter.
Pro: Salome sleeps with Eric too. Why, screw your why, he's a Vampire Viking.
Pro: Salome's wig.
Pro: Alcide is pissed at Sookie. Good. Her plan is garbage. Her reasoning is garbage. And all she does is lie to this guy. Why? Has she not seen the Magic Mike trailers yet? She's definitely seen him with his shirt off, and he does that cute dog growl thing, what is wrong with her? Bad Sookie.
Pro: An excellent Eric line: "Are you lonely, is this how you make friends?"
Pro: We love how Salome manipulates both boys. She makes herself all vulnerable and lovely dovey "Oh, I'm feeling, we're all so jaded, you make me feel or whatever" with Bill. And is all Makes herself all sassy and kind of mean. Oh boys.
Pro: Eric's face when he realizes that both he and Bill slept with the same vampire. Bill is a little too into it, if you ask me.
Pro: SURPRISE TO NO ONE Salmoe is MELONIS! She has a magical vampire lady business that can check for sanguinistas. No sanguinistas here says the magical vampire lady business. Meanwhile here is Meloni, taking off his shirt. Over and over and over and over.
Gif via youhadmeuntiltroll.
Pro: SUICIDE BY TANNING BED.
I just, how do you follow up a shirtless Meloni and an attempted death by tanning... you can't. So I won't. Until next week may Tara meet the true death to the smell of coconut tanning lotion.