Meloni finally gets his hands dirty on True Blood

Between copious shots of sexy Vampire Meloni holding various Apple Products in his mitts, this was a fairly crazy True Blood episode. Things are starting to heat up in Bon Temps, and this week delivered a pantsload of crazy — and some totally deserved bloodshed.

Spoilers ahead...

Pro: Tara is still trying to tan herself to death!

Con: She fails. Pam has to order her never to try again, or else that is most likely what the rest of this season would look like for this character.

Pro: Heeeeey Alcide... whoa, where ya goin? Oh right, Sookie just told you she killed the HERO OF BON TEMPS, DEBBIE PELT. I would leave and never come back as well. To New Orleans — where Alcide will star in his own werewolf spinoff, titled Shirtless Werewolves Who Spend Very Little Time In Actual Wolf Form. There, he will continue to do his trademarked "look sadly down and to the left" move, but without a shirt.

Con: Lafayette catches the tail end of Sookie's conversation with Alcide, in which she implicates him in the cover up of a murder, tampering of evidence, etc. Naturally Lafayette is unhappy about this. "The one motherfucking thing I needed from you Sook, is to zip it." Dear sweet Lafayette, that is the one thing Sookie Stackhouse cannot do, whatever the fuck you need her to. Sookie is a walking "LOL NO" meme.

Meloni finally gets his hands dirty on True Blood

Pro: The Authority drops off Bill and Eric and throws their car keys on the ground.

Pro: Team Matching Jump Suits is back.

Con: Bill and Eric are now tasked with finding Russell Edgington. So they start by attacking their closest friends and confidants. Clearly THE ONLY people who are responsible for this are the ones you love. Couldn't one of Russell's progeny have been summoned by their maker? Sometimes I think Eric and Bill are kind of crappy at being vampires.

Meloni finally gets his hands dirty on True Blood

Pro: Back at The Authority town, Meloni is attending to some bedtime Vampire Business on his Vampire Laptop.

Pro: When Meloni turns his volume up or down on the computer, it makes the volume "plink plink" noises all Apple computers make. Good eye (ear?) for detail everyone. Important stuff happening here.

Con: Sookie, unable to keep a secret for more than 12 hours, turns herself in to Jason. Jason refuses to arrest her. Which, well, I am not surprised by this. So we're done with the "Jason was molested by an old lady" story line? Yep, looks like it.

Meloni finally gets his hands dirty on True Blood

Pro: Pam returns to Fangtasia with her new baby Vampire Tara, and sees Eric for the first time this season! She immediately ekes out a heart-quickening gasp — but quickly regroups within seconds. Quick as a kitty, Pam whizzes past all the details ("She's Mine!") between her and her maker. It's adorable, it's very hopeful, and you can see the range of emotions clawing at her face. Pam's thrilled Eric is back — but completely petrified of retreading their old issues, perfectly played by Kristin Bauer van Straten.

Pro: Also. "Let's let bi-girls be bi-girls."

Con: Tara and Bill have a chat while Eric and Pam break down in the other room. Tara reveals that she's changed her mind about her best friend in the world. The person she died trying to save, who only tried to return the favor. And says this about old Sooks McGee, "How many of us have nearly died, just to save her sorry ass?" Well, Tara, you did. And then she saved your ungrateful life. And then you tried to kill yourself, and Pam saved your ungrateful life. Tara's character makes no sense to me. None. She hates vampires, but here she is confiding in them? So she's just accepted her new vampireness already? If you're that pissed off... Run the fuck away. Start a new life. Sure, you can't kill yourself, but that doesn't mean you have to stay in a town filled with people you clearly hate. By next episode Tara's going to be all "Woo hoo, vampire town," because that is apparently moving on to her.

Meloni finally gets his hands dirty on True Blood

Con: Eric attacks Pam. My heart breaks into 1,000 tiny pieces on my living room floor.

Meloni finally gets his hands dirty on True Blood

Con: Eric thinks Pam betrayed him. Is Eric trying to White Fang/Harry and the Hendersons Pam? Why is this happening. WHY? Pam tells him to release her? Someone please make Mommy and Daddy stop fighting.

Con: A quick cut back to The Authority HQ so the writers can make the child vampire say something gross about oral sex. Oof.

Con: Apparently tired of good television, the Judge character stops by, to invite Andy to a inconvenient and unnecessary plot party.

Meloni finally gets his hands dirty on True Blood

Pro: However, the fact that his entrance enabled this gif exchange is pretty wondrous.

Meloni finally gets his hands dirty on True Blood

via tuxcdoe.

Con: Nobody wants to party with Kevin. I want to party with you! No seriously, I want to party with you, Kevin.

Meloni finally gets his hands dirty on True Blood

Con: Hey remember these guys? Nope? Too bad. Shifter stuff is a plot now too.

Meloni finally gets his hands dirty on True Blood

Con: Lafayette becomes the pig demon again, and shakes Sookie's car. That's three — three — side character plots that no one cares about in two minutes. Where's Alcide?

Meloni finally gets his hands dirty on True Blood

Con: Ha, Alcide shows up. Hey Alcide, officially. (I know it's from later on in the episode, but he's pretty here OK?)

Pro/Con: Alcide tells the Pelts that someone else murdered their daughter. He lies and pins the murder on Marcus, explaining that he killed Marcus for revenge. Now he's both covering for Sookie and giving the Pelts closure. I have a lot of emotion about this scene. Joe Manganiello totally delivers on the tears, I believe him. But I loathe that Alcide is covering for Sookie. Argh! Lady needs to take the fall for something she did, just once.

Con: Meanwhile on the roads of South Dakota Terry has a flashback which basically reveals what happened in Iraq. I love Terry. I love the moments of his quiet looped wildness, his flashes of wisdom, but mainly I love Terry for the aggressive way his character loves his family and friends. But vets suffering from PTSD — we've seen this done before and a lot better. I don't need something this complicated, sandwiched in between a shifter orgy of horses. Fingers crossed, something bigger comes out of this storyline — because this season is already overburdened with plots and characters.

Pro: Something about Sookie's car, yadda, yadda... Ah ha. Sookie goes home, and immediately gets High School Party drunk. This is the kind of drunk where you drink whatever you have in your parents liquor cabinet (mixing rules be damned). By the end of the night, the drinker usually winds up naked in their best friend's bath tub cry-scream-singing "One Is the Loneliest Number," but just the chorus. Because who can ever remember the verses?

Con: Vampire Jessica stops by the police office to glamor Andy into dropping the Debbie Pelt case, so I guess that's that. More time for shifter horse sex.

Meloni finally gets his hands dirty on True Blood

Pro: The glamor scene gave us all some quality time with Jessica's eyes.

Meloni finally gets his hands dirty on True Blood

Pro: Pam sleeps in high heels! We knew she slept in a pink velour jogging suit, but not WITH heels on. Swoon!

Meloni finally gets his hands dirty on True Blood

Pro: Pam and Eric have the talk. Pam does the obligatory "my heart is broken, I know where this conversation is going" head nod, that we have bobbled through before. Eric releases Pam because he wants her to live. It's brutal.

Pro: However, I doubt this means Pam is going anywhere. Pam loves Eric — maker or not, she'll always be there for him. But the scene was still very sad. Not Eric crying to Godric sad, or Bill telling Lorena in her prom dress that she's dead to him sad. But still sad.

Pro: The search for the Russell's mole continues at Bill's house. Jessica and Bill share a touching little moment in which Bill vigorously pats himself on the back for his fatherhood skills and pretends to know what weed is.

Meloni finally gets his hands dirty on True Blood

Con: MORE APPLE PRODUCT TIME. Meloni and his lady with the wig stop by to ask Nora some more questions about who inside their lair is a crazy Vampire Fundamentalist. Oh my god, just kill Nora already. This is getting old.

Pro: Oh my god, the fairies are back.

Pro: Apparently, the fae party is trapped inside the 2001 music video "Lady Marmalade" with a never ending supply of E. Look closely and I bet you can spot Mya. So that's where she's been hiding all these years!? Also, that fae that slept with Andy is there, so yeah.

Pro: Sookie is drunk and singing her own lyrics to "If you like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain. If you're not into vampires, and they shot half your brain. If you like makin' love at midnight, in a cemetery." I cannot judge this, so I won't.

Pro: "You smell like Mint and Peaches." "You smell like Aqua Velva." Ok, cute. But after shave? Alcide doesn't... Oh, fuck it.

Con: Tara eats someone. Terry and Noel from Felicity find their buddy. He has a lot of scary paintings in his basement. The shifters have been snippered. Lots of things are happening.

Meloni finally gets his hands dirty on True Blood

Pro: Back at The Authority, Meloni kills the wee vampire babe! He pops him like a balloon! Thank goodness, no more gross "let's make the kid say Boobs" gags.

Con: Then again, this was a very emotional execution for a character we met three episodes ago.

Meloni finally gets his hands dirty on True Blood

Pro: I would hate on Sookie so hard if I too hadn't been guilty of getting drink and pulling out the "You love me" layup. Granted, I've never killed someone's ex-girlfriend and thrown that back in their face. But I guess that's how Sookie gets down. Plus I just want to boop his nose.

Meloni finally gets his hands dirty on True Blood

Pro: Hadley is back, and she's is dressed like sexy Mrs. Potts from Beauty and the Beast.

Con: Hadley tells Jason vampires killed his parents. That's definitely not going to come up later.

Meloni finally gets his hands dirty on True Blood

Pro: A pair of fairy hipsters finger blast Jason and Andy, leaving us with more questions than answers. Will this be like the "Jason was molested" bomb that was dropped last week, or will they follow through on this plot line? I really wouldn't be surprised if we never saw these fairies ever again — that's how random this show can be.

And that's it. What an insanely unbalanced episode. But now that the baby vamp is dead (victory!) hopefully we can spend less time in a basement with a bunch of vampire strangers talking about vampire religion and politics. Ha, who are we kidding. Until next weekend, lets all go buy some Apple products, AMIRITE?