True Blood does very bad things to our favorite monster

We've been waiting for weeks for two very important True Blood characters to go fang-to-fang. And now, they finally have. Too bad the big climax was marred by an iStake. And I'm pretty pissed about it. So take your pants off, and wrap your hands around your neighbor's face. It's True Blood Pro/Con time!

Spoilers ahead...

Pro: This episode picks up right where it left off. Alcide, Sooks, Eric and Bill have all uncovered Russell's super obvious hiding spot. Except this time, Russell is way more mobile and sassy! Also, Alcide is pulled away by a werewolf. Heeeeeeeey Alcide! Before Eric can kill Russell, the vampire squad swoops in.

True Blood does very bad things to our favorite monsterS

Pro: This. Whole. Scene.

Con: Cut to Fangtasia! Tara (being the worst) is still fighting with the most beloved character on the show. Hey folks, this is not how you get Tara to win over the masses. Let's look back: Jessica tried to befriend Tara. They had a nice moment. Then Tara goes and sucks on the neck of Jessica's serious ex-boyfriend, which is a shitty, shitty thing to do. Top it off, Tara screams at Jessica "What do you expect when you come to my house and fuck with me!" Oh... so this is your house now? What a ridiculous hypocrite monster. Apparently Tara gets to do whatever she wants to whomever she wants, and we're all supposed to clap and say "oh she's been through a lot." F that. I would rather watch Tara bottom out for real. Her "bottom" is leather corsets and beating up easy targets. Lame.

UPDATE: Look Jessica is no Saint (that whole sleeping with her boyfriend's best friend) but I find it just doubly cruel to have a heart-to-heart and then go and feed on that person's ex 5 minutes later.

True Blood does very bad things to our favorite monsterS

Pro: Pam pulls away Tara, like a loud child in church.

True Blood does very bad things to our favorite monsterS

Con: Jessica almost cries.

True Blood does very bad things to our favorite monsterS

Con: Smoke Monster. Also the annoying part about this Smoke Monster is everytime they bring it up, we have to revisit the Iraq flashback.

Pro: Back to Russell! Our main villain has no intention of being anyone's idol, and delivers this amazing bit of dialogue, "You're fucking worse than human. You might as well be praying to leprechauns or unicorns or the motherfucking Kardashians. That makes just as much sense!"

True Blood does very bad things to our favorite monster

Pro: The Authority member in the cute little beret orders the glamouring of all non-vamps. Which means Eric and Alcide almost kiss. Alcide is so good at looking so puppy pissed. There is so much quality face holding in this episode alone, and we're only nine minutes in!

Pro: Beret Vampire kills all the humans. But wait, what about mainstreaming? LOL, it's okay — we don't care about the force fed religion side plot anyway.

Pro: Luna is ALIVE? How is this possible!

True Blood does very bad things to our favorite monsterS

Pro: Baby Wolf runs to Grandma's house and makes DO NO WANT faces while grams nuzzles her puppy nose.

Pro: Jessica and Hoyt have a heartbreaking little chat. Hoyt is excited because he thinks the vampire cat fight means Jessica is still in love with him. It's the conversation equivalent of the Charlotte Russe leopard miniskirt. The trying too hard, too tight, too short, "Peaches & Cream" grind-off house party accessory that only ends with your ex walking over to your impromtu living room dance off to inform you that said skirt has now moved over your ass and everyone can see your granny pannies shake.

Pro: Bill and Eric are carted off by the Vampire Authority. Bill takes this time to brown nose all over the closet vampire-praising Lilith. Meanwhile Eric says what we are all thinking, "Lillth can fucking blow me."

Con: Jason has another dream about his Dad. I dunno I could do without this plot, the fairy plot or the Ifrit plot.

True Blood does very bad things to our favorite monsterS

Pro: Alcide in Sookie's bed.

Pro: Sookie, being unglamorable, wakes up hungover and sad, because Bill basically just broke up with her for eternity. Alcide is un-glamored by Sookie and immediately leaves to go drum up yet another plotline about werewolves. We're with Sookie on this thought, "I'm just going to sit here and quietly slip into a coma."

True Blood does very bad things to our favorite monsterS

Pro: Lala visits his Momma (Alfre Woodard) who is AMAZING! AMAZING! She's just a faucet of insanity and hilarity. Jesus loves you Lala... Jesus loves little Faggots. Lala's response... classic.

Gif via Lohan.

True Blood does very bad things to our favorite monsterS

Pro: Bon Temps version of Girls.

Con: Alcide decides to be the pack leader — because fuck it, let's add more characters! Stops the local bar hand to catch this awesome werewolf burn, "You're way too pretty to not be stupid." "What's your excuse?" BA-ZING!

True Blood does very bad things to our favorite monsterS

Pro: And now, back at Authority town, Bill and Eric get their iStakes removed. Little Vampire Tech girl makes a little joke. Eric makes this amazing eat shit face. "But Funny!" The Viking Vampire is all sorts of snarky in this episode.

True Blood does very bad things to our favorite monsterS

Pro: Did somebody call for a Vampire Golf Pro?

True Blood does very bad things to our favorite monsterS

Pro: Meloni is wearing the shit out of those pants. Dear Vampire Christ, it is hot in here.

Pro: Eric and Meloni finally have a conversation that I'm interested in. FINALLY real dialogue and not chunks of religious fiddle-faddle.

Con: Shit, it turned into religious fiddle faddle. Meloni is quoting the VAMPIRE BIBLE.

Con: Terry comes back to Merlotte's to tell Arlene he's cursed and that he shouldn't be around her because he will probably get her and their family killed. Arlene rejects this. Why does Arlene think Terry is crazy because he's being chased by a smoke monster? Does she not remember when a ghost kidnapped their baby? Hmm.

Pro: Sookie and Jason find the fairy club. While I'm less than thrilled to be following the fairy story, Jason's line was pretty great: "Give me my sister back you fairy fuckers!"

Pro: Junior was watching Hillbilly Handfishin' while selling his supernatural killing wares. Of Course He Is!

Pro: Sam saves Andy's life, because he can smell "survivor mode." I. Die.

Pro: The fairies admit that they are dressed like Disney characters. It's like they're inside my brain!

True Blood does very bad things to our favorite monsterS

Con: Sookie gets light finger blasted by the whole fairy party. For reasons.

Pro: Russell and Meloni have an argument. A beautiful "You were a pompous self-righteous prick in the fucking Renaissance and you still are one today! This is all about your ego!" Meloni pats him on the head and screams. This is lighting in a bottle. Fantastic.

True Blood does very bad things to our favorite monsterS

Con: HOLD THE FUCK UP.

Con: Meloni is dead, but LUNA gets to live? Shenanigans! Shenanigans!
Shenanigans! Shenanigans! Shenanigans! Five episodes of Meloni wandering around this basement talking about the Vampire Bible, and you kill him off the second you put the two greatest actors on this show in a room together? Hogwash. Garbage. I'm BURNING WITH RAGE!

True Blood does very bad things to our favorite monsterS

Pro: However, "Peace is for Pussies" is a very good line.

All in all, I don't know what to say. I'm super happy Russell is back, and saying awesome things about blood getting his dick hard etc. and so on. But I am not happy the Meloni is gone. Why couldn't we have a vampire flashback with the two of them? Or a longer showdown? ANYTHING? Sigh. Forget it, it's True Blood town.

True Blood does very bad things to our favorite monsterS

In conclusion here is a collection of gifs where Eric acts like a 15-year-old on a family vacation.


True Blood does very bad things to our favorite monsterS

Screencaps taken from Home of the Nutty.