True Blood's blood orgy has given us a vampire hangover

What is the vampire version of the hangover cure-all, Pedialyte? Because I will have five rounds and an enema of it. That is how ridiculously bloated and weak I feel after watching the plot binge that was last night's True Blood. Sure, it was a lot of fun, and I enjoyed it. But today I'm dealing with a bucket of confusion, disgust and general drunk guilt. What was that?

It's True Blood Pro/Con time! Spoilers ahead...

Picking up RIGHT where it left off, which, is there any time that this show hasn't done this? I know there was the jump in the years when Sookie was in fairyland — but to be fair, her path was totally linear. Seems like every episode ends with a completely ludicrous cliffhanger that is swiftly rectified (remember when Sookie got shot)? This show is literally a night time soap opera. But that's okay, because it opens the doors to ludicrous cliffhangers which we don't have to put much weight in and can just enjoy (oh hey, that was Lilith's boobs... neat!).

Anyway, the show picks up in the hospital, where Luna's assassination has been thwarted by Samuel Sometimes-A-Dog.

Pro: Andy calls the nefarious nurse character (does he have a name? I don't know, character #505?) a butt plug. Good burn, Andy. *Makes the thumbs up winky sign*

Con: The attempt on her life leaves Luna in a fit of strange hyper cuts of emotion. And now she's Sam...

Why? No seriously, why? Because Luna wanted to get out of the hospital? Was that the real reason this show wanted to make two Sams today? Or did they just want the two Sams to kiss? The answer is: two-Sam kiss.

Pro: On the other hand, having a lady Sam means we get to see Lady Sam running around with his hands flipped out at his sides (as the ladies do).

Pro: Then they all try and make the elevator stop by jumping up and down all at once.

True Blood's blood orgy has given us a vampire hangoverS

Con: And now, back to the stoned vampire blood binge. They're all so stoned. Do you not see how stoned they are? These vampires are stoned experts! Look art them staring vacantly at lights and draping beads over their faces and giggling, like stoners do. Because they're SO stoned!

True Blood's blood orgy has given us a vampire hangoverS

Con: *SOB*

True Blood's blood orgy has given us a vampire hangoverS

Pro: Thankfully this whole stoned improv group night was saved by one perfect Newlin gif.

Via loszombiesvanalamoda

True Blood's blood orgy has given us a vampire hangoverS

Con: Now we cut back over Sookie's murder house! Sookie is trying to light-blast herself to normality. Can you imagine how good it would feel if this was the end of the fairy plots? Sookie blasts away her fairy powers, turns to her human golden retriever of a brother and says, "one down, five more to go. Let's go kill that guy from Felicity." That would be nice.

Pro: Also Jason sits down and has a heart-to-heart with Sookie, where he tells her not to "spray her fairy juice all over the yard" or something (ha!). However this is very weird, as he just SHOT SOMEONE IN THE HEAD.

True Blood's blood orgy has given us a vampire hangoverS

Con: Jessica is "that girl" in the bar.

Pro: Backed to the stoned vampires, and they are STILL SO STONED. "God has the most beautiful tits I've ever seen!" Well, I'm glad someone said it.

Con: "Praise Moses' cock!" Wait, what?

True Blood's blood orgy has given us a vampire hangoverS

Con: All of the stoned vampires then get the munchies. For babies.

True Blood's blood orgy has given us a vampire hangoverS

Pro: Heeeeeeey *SPIT TAKE* Alcide's ASS!

Pro: Hey, Alcide humping. So much hey. And... and... is he growling? Is that's hot? No it's definitely hot, and totally not weird if you made a mental sex note to later ask someone to growl at you in bed.

Pro: Alcide asks this lady (character #515?) to be his girlfriend, and then they change their sex from growling to cuddling, because love.

True Blood's blood orgy has given us a vampire hangoverS

Con: A very important scene? A very important scene.

True Blood's blood orgy has given us a vampire hangoverS

Pro: Time for another Historical Vampire Flashback! This particular HVF reveals that Bill is kind of a dick. Mr. Compton stops by his daughter's deathbed to wish her a happy death. When she realizes that he is her father and hasn't aged in decades (because she's an intelligent human being and not a house plant) Bill says, "I've missed you, everah howrah of everah dah." She begs him to keep her alive, because she's dying. Bill says "LOL no," and makes this face. What did he think was going to happen? Jerk.

Via hcnelson

True Blood's blood orgy has given us a vampire hangoverS

Pro:Vampire wig's "Just shut up!" move.

True Blood's blood orgy has given us a vampire hangoverS

Con:New story! Remember Hoyt and Jessica? Remember how their breakup twisted you up inside because for some reason this completely ostentatious series struck gold with this couple? Even when True Blood disintegrated these two down into an ugly pile of mud and tears, it was good — no, great. Jessica and Hoyt was the emotional wheelhouse for True Blood. I cried like I was 16-year-old on a clear plastic phone when Hoyt begged Jessica to just love him again. That's all gone now. Hoyt's new band of friends have kidnapped Jessica and brought her into a house for Hoyt to murder.

True Blood's blood orgy has given us a vampire hangoverS

Con: But first they lock him in the room so he can do it Bond-villain-style, alone.

Pro: And now we're with Lafayette. I don't mind spending time with Lala. I was complaining a ton in the beginning of this episode that his character had been downgraded into some sort of gay reactionary. But this is much better. It probably didn't need to be cut into tiny bits and sprinkled over six episodes but at least Lala is receiving a moment of peace. It was nice to witness him get a quiet goodbye to the man he loved.

True Blood's blood orgy has given us a vampire hangoverS

Pro: Back at the police station Sam has turned into a snake.

Con: My Roommate asks:

"So Meloni is dead?"
"Yes."
"Huh."

True Blood's blood orgy has given us a vampire hangoverS

Pro: Totally called it!

True Blood's blood orgy has given us a vampire hangoverS

Pro: The two Sams meet, and Andy speaks for us all in this moment, "I hate this god damn town."

True Blood's blood orgy has given us a vampire hangoverS

Con: Fairies give a lectures about matter and fairy science. The fairy girls decide to hold Jason's hands in a totally normal way.

Con: Cowboy vampire. Yeah I think we're done here. I might have to just start ignoring both the fairies and the ifirt for a while, because this is taking away quality Eric Northman time.

True Blood's blood orgy has given us a vampire hangoverS

Con: Meanwhile Hoyt has to wait and think, before he decides that he's not going to kill his ex-girlfriend. Jessica actually begs.This is unacceptable. If an ex-boyfriend had me against my will in a room while he was holding a gun, he would be in jail. Jessica even says, "Thank you." For what? For sparing her life. Fuck you, Hoyt. He actually points the gun at her head. This is wildly out of character. People whose hearts are broken do not get free passes to put loaded guns to their ex-girlfriend's heads. I loved Hoyt, and now I want to see him locked away forever. And before you you guys all get in a tizzy because Jason actually SHOT Jessica in the head last week, yes, they both need to go to jail too (not forever I didn't say prison I said jail because I'm fairly certain this would be written off as some sort of self defense action, whereas Hoyt's scene most certainly is not). But I'm more wildly pissed that the sad music and the dialogue and the copious Jessica apologizing seemed to excuse however many minutes Hoyt actually thought about maybe killing Jessica.

I want to forget this happened, forever.

Con: Luna smells what I'm going to assume is Dragon. A big woman. Oh ho ho ho, he smells Maxine Fortenberry! You guys completely predicted this, you're so smart!

True Blood's blood orgy has given us a vampire hangoverS

Pro: "Hooker, I aint in the helping biz no mo. I'm in the fuck off while I smoke a blunt biz, and business is about to pick way the fuck up." Lafayette singlehandedly saves the show.

Via tomhardly

Pro: An excellent Jason line, "I don't give a twirly fuck."

True Blood's blood orgy has given us a vampire hangoverS

Pro: Because we've only been juggling 18 plots and True Blood is contractually obligated to write in 21 plots an episode, it's Tara time! On the positive side, Pam and Tara are now in the part of their Mother and Daughter relationship where they dress alike.

Con: The fairies have another meeting. Roommate speaks:

"Meloni is really dead, right?
"Right."
"Huh... If I was on this show, I would just carry around a can of bear mace and spray people in the face when they said stuff like, Albert Einstein is a fae."

Con: Werewolf fight night is unbearable. "Shreveport pack, let's make some noise!" Or, hey all 17 people in this barn, make some noise! Werewolf fight night is horrible. Also, now they are killing other humans for sport? Alan Ball's perception of Louisiana is fucked.

True Blood's blood orgy has given us a vampire hangoverS

Pro: Lala does her best Miss Cleo. It. Is. Fantastic.

True Blood's blood orgy has given us a vampire hangoverS

Pro: I told you the whole point of this scene was purely to make two Sams kiss. Granted they didn't do it all the way, but still. This scene. Dear god, this scene.

Pro: An excellent Pam quip, "You don't know me that well. My mad face and my happy face are the same." Then Pam gives her a pet!

Con: Another vampire meeting. UGH. Are we going to spend 99% of a show about vampires in a board room? Bill comes up with an idea to bomb all the True Blood factories, to force all the mainstreamers to feed on humans. Great.

True Blood's blood orgy has given us a vampire hangoverS

Pro: Russell and Steve are certainly getting along very well. That should make a TON of you happy! I hope they stretch it out a bit longer, but who are we kidding?

The end! So we're going to blow up the True Blood factories! Okay! Why not? Look, if we could just stick to one supernatural plot and ditch the werewolves, ifirts or fairies and shifter murdering pack, I would be really very happy. This is getting to be too much. Slow down — especially you, Alcide, but only when you're naked. This series was at its best when its biggest problem was Russell. Now there's just too many vampire plates spinning in the supernatural air. Fingers crossed for Russell eating all the wolves next week! But until then, may a cute, skinny white vampire ride your pony until you can't take it anymore.

Screencaps from Home of the Nutty!