What's in True Blood's Vampire Jesus Juice?

While most of the Bon Temps vampires are running around high off old-timey vampire blood, the rest of the cast stepped up to deliver. And lots of loose ends were tied up, Praise Lilith! Find out which dangling plotlines may actually have been resolved last night, below.

Spoilers ahead...

What's in True Blood's Vampire Jesus Juice?S

Pro/Con: This happened.

What's in True Blood's Vampire Jesus Juice?

My reaction.

This "moment" of praying before the screaming white naked man chained and cold on the table is both a Pro and A Con — hear me out. It's a Pro because, well it's Monday afternoon at my job and I get to write about a naked man dinner on a show made for mature adult human beings. The word ridiculous doesn't even begin to describe my whirlpool of feelings attached to this writhing member. But the moment is also a Con, because that penis was so ridiculously on display that this might be the new "Jumped the Shark" or "Nuked the Fridge." I submit "Penised The Table" to the pop culture judges.

Gif via brokentripod.

Pro: Steve Newlin's blessing, and Russell's "isn't that adorable" clappy clappy response. I was a bit on the ledge about these two joining up, but if we're going to see some awesome Alpha Vampire courting, then I'm down.

Side note: Can someone please make me a gif of all of them baring their fangs (before eating the penis platter) and then slipping in a surprising angry kitty hiss between a few vampires? Thank you.

What's in True Blood's Vampire Jesus Juice?S

Pro: "Put the baby fangs away before you piss me off." Let the fan fic fly!

Con: Eric doesn't speak techie. And just like that, Eric was bumped down from hot Daddy, to an actual Father who uses words like "techie." Blarg.

What's in True Blood's Vampire Jesus Juice?S

Pro: Lafayette is back and on fire! Calling out all the ghosts in Sookie's house. Good to have you back, sir. Also Tara's last text message to Lala, "Bitch stop texting me or I will eat you," well done. Is this the beginning of the return to the old fun True Blood — dare we hope?

Gif via nonoitsonome.

What's in True Blood's Vampire Jesus Juice?S

Pro: Oh my god is there nothing Jessica can do that isn't heartbreakingly adorable? Every time I see this creature I just want to wrap a blanket around her shoulders and give her two thin mints from my freezer with a glass of milk.

What's in True Blood's Vampire Jesus Juice?S

Pro: That being said, thank goodness there's someone in this nightmare town where vampires spring up from graves naked, horny and covered in dirt, who sees what a dick Hoyt was being last week. Hello, person not important enough for me to remember your name, you may be my new Debbie Pelt.

Con: Luna is still crazy rage-monstering even though she was just recently Sammed. Sam turns into an angry drunk, and Luna into that bitchy calls-everyone-out girlfriend. "My brother died from skinwalking." "Your brother was beaten to death!" And because that's so romantic, they both scream "I love you," for the first time, as you do.

Pro: Meanwhile, we find out how Bill's brilliant plan to bomb all the True Blood factories is impacting the common vampire. Twinsies Pam and Tara. Things are not good on Fangtasia farm. Tara tries to have a heart to heart with Pam, "Just because we drank a bitch together does not make us Oprah and Gale." It's funny because they're not really like Gale and Oprah. Not at all. Because they are vampires.

Pro: Eric's insane disdain for this religious freak show paired with Bill's pathetic "I'm lost" attitude. Is Bill playing the smart game, or is he tricked by the magical bloody breasts of his new god? My money is on breasts.

What's in True Blood's Vampire Jesus Juice?S

Pro: Sometimes I forget how small Bill is, then True Blood reminds me.

Pro: Lafayette is pitching a perfect game this episode, "It Ain't Cute."

What's in True Blood's Vampire Jesus Juice?S

Pro: Jason's report card. Probably not important.

Con: Jason says goodbye to Jessica, and we learn a very important fact: Vampires don't poop!

What's in True Blood's Vampire Jesus Juice?S

Pro:
Roommate: "Who are those guys in the black? Wait... does she have security?" *Looks around the room for others to be as shocked by this* "That's. Vampire. Security?" *Looks around* Come On!" *Throws arms in the air."

In my home, we call this the first "true blooding."

What's in True Blood's Vampire Jesus Juice?S

Pro: Jason fucks around with the evidence.

What's in True Blood's Vampire Jesus Juice?S

Con: "Making Soup outta Supes" is entirely too clever for these idiots. But Jason eclipses their stupidity by thinking the "dragon" is a real dragon. Yay!

What's in True Blood's Vampire Jesus Juice?S

Pro: Hey, Deep Thoughts by Alcide!

Con: Alcide is listening to The Wallflowers song, "First One In The Car." He's a werewolf — aren't they contractually obligated to be listening to "Werewolves of London?" This was a misstep. Really, just anything but a Wallflowers song would have been better.

What's in True Blood's Vampire Jesus Juice?S

Pro: Hey Baby Alcide!

Con: This is what the casting director thinks Baby Alcide and Baby Debbie Pelt (HERO OF TRUE BLOOD) looked like. Eeeeeeeh.

What's in True Blood's Vampire Jesus Juice?S

Pro: If someone asked me to draw a picture of Billy Idol's Dad, I would draw them this creature.

Pro: Good to see the the baby werewolves of the past are keeping up with the whole slutty leathers look.

What's in True Blood's Vampire Jesus Juice?S

Pro: Spy flies!

What's in True Blood's Vampire Jesus Juice?S

Pro: Character #588 thinks the pig farm is the perfect place for a silk robe.

Con: It's very upsetting that the "dragon" is a new character. There are 587 other characters we have met and made emotional connections to, why not one of them? Why not Maxine Fortenberry? Instead we had to listen to her also talk about big ideas and politics and bend over while this show again makes a point that any and all sort of conviction is rooted in crazy. All of it.

Pro: Sam and Luna show up naked and save the day! Roommate screams, "Shift into a guy that's wearing a suit, do that really fast, please."

Pro: THIS ENTIRE SCENE.

What's in True Blood's Vampire Jesus Juice?

First up, how hot is Russell's seduction techniques? He's giving Steve werewolves and getting all teachy with him, adorable and super hot. Second this scene elevated the entire werewolf plot to a whole new level. A level of awesome. Now we kind of understand why we had to sit through all that terrible Alcide training and endless "old guy chasing down young track stars" stuff — for this moment. To watch the most terrifying and totally unpredictable vampire take a dog/baby right out of her grandmother's hands. It was horrifying, and totally absurd and made even better by Newlin's swoons over the puppy's little features. Amazing. Loved this scene. The episode could have ended right there. That would have been enough. But, like a toddler with a garden hose turned on full blast, this show isn't ending until we're all drenched in vampire plot juice.

Pro: Alcide's dad is watching a dog race — of course he is. Also now, Alcide's a LONE WOLF! Get it?

Con: Bill was tasked earlier with getting some of Salome's blood. You don't remember this because it was buried until the 500 other character stories that were important. Bill apparently needs to get this blood with his penis. It's a vampire thing. While in the throes of thigh-thrusting courtship, Salome admits that the world views her only as a naked girl with a man's head in her lap. Blah blah blah blah, Salome is the bad guy.

Pro: I'm actually interested to find out what's in Salome's blood, or Lilith's blood or whatever. Guesses, anyone?

Con: The fairies just dropped by to drop off some soup. Ooooooooooookaaaaaaaaaay.

Pro: "I'm so surprised by Bill's betrayal." - No One.

What's in True Blood's Vampire Jesus Juice?S

Pro: Eric makes this very strange and very new "oh shit" face. Obviously this is a massive turn on because it's a new Eric face. New Eric face, everyone!

Con: Then it becomes a Vampire Dance party with a rocking exit to "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" done pop punk style. This is totally appropriate music for the somber tone of the room. Rock out to the True Death everyone! Eric's probably gonna die 2, 3, 4!!

Pro: The Ifrit beast is dead. Forever.

So there you have it. Was this the most disjointed episode in a while? Yes. But was it saved by two gay vampires and their new puppy? Yes, yes it was. Until next time, may you all look fabulous in your new eyelashes.