True Blood breaks our heart into a pile of gooey vampire pudding

Last night True Blood pried open it's clenched fists and let the love of our lives fly away and move on to better things. It was hard, but it needed to happen. Because now there is more room in our hearts for Pam and Tara's infinite collection of matching outfits. Sigh. But let me tell it to you Pro/Con style.

Spoilers ahead...

Pro: Sookie's at her house, in her pajamas watching a very important Vampire Newscast! All the True Blood is still blowing up. But the vampires don't want the humans to know that they are behind it. This is a very good plan. Obviously.

Con: Sookie got Chinese. I should have ordered Chinese.

True Blood breaks our heart into a pile of gooey vampire puddingS

Con: The village coroner is a vampire! Shocker! Shocker? Shocker.

This seemed like just another opportunity to throw vampire remains at both Sookie and her garbage house. I would imagine that every single countertop and crevasse of the Stackhouse home is just covered in MRSA. Is MRSA something you would get from blood and dirt and sex secretions and vomit? OK, maybe MRSA... I just Googled "Can you get MRSA from vampire jizz?" but I couldn't get a clear answer. Sorry, guys.

True Blood breaks our heart into a pile of gooey vampire puddingS

Con: Why is Molly in a bra?

Con: Look, I don't have a problem with seeing Molly in a bra (you're beautiful, Tina Majorino). But this was one of the first characters that wore clothes. Like actual people clothes. Now we rip them off so we can istake her? Lame. Also, what was with all the old people throwing digs at this perfect little vampire? A member of The Authority actually says they could forcibly brainwash Molly into loving Lilith but, "None of us think you're worth the trouble." EXCUSE ME? Are they serious? She MADE the istake device you're falling all over yourselves to use. She outwitted your security. And she's rad. How is she not worth it? That is ridiculous. Everyone here is terrible at being an intelligent, centuries old creature.

True Blood breaks our heart into a pile of gooey vampire puddingS

Pro: On the plus side, we got to finally see the istake in action. It didn't disappoint.

Pro: Hoyt is returning from the hospital. He and his Mama finally have the long awaited heart-to-heart in which Hoyt tells Maxine to "return your fucking mattress." *Claps*

True Blood breaks our heart into a pile of gooey vampire puddingS

Con: This creature.

True Blood breaks our heart into a pile of gooey vampire puddingS

Con: Nora is forcing Eric to take Lilith inside him (or whatever) by sending him on a mandatory spirit vampire trip. Together they ingest the blood of Lilith. Then the naked God appears and rips out Godric's throat. This is supposed to mean something, because Eric and Nora make this face. It doesn't because Godric is ALREADY DEAD.

True Blood breaks our heart into a pile of gooey vampire puddingS

Pro: More interesting point, why is Bill filming this? Or watching from a control room? Part of me wants to believe that Bill is smarter than this, but then I remember that it's Bill.

True Blood breaks our heart into a pile of gooey vampire puddingS

Pro: "What are you in the mood for?" "I was thinking Greek." Ah ha ha, I see what you did there. Russell takes Steve out to dinner, to a frat house.

Pro: Loving these two more and more every week. The fact that they are dancing around to "Teenage Dream" with bodies (young frat guy bodies) strewn everywhere is killing me. I can not breather these two are so much fun. PLEASE KISS NOW!

Con: And on that note — because I'm actually enjoying this couple, my True Blood sense is telling me that something very bad is going to happen with Steve and Russell. I can see Russell betraying Steve, or Russell getting betrayed — either way the only way I see Steve sticking around for season six is unhinged and hungry.

Pro: Something, something, everyone wants to kill Jessica. I can't pay attention because all of the action in Merlotte's is eclipsed by Lala's new casual work attire, with an "L" to accessorize.

Pro: Hoyt has called for music, and they are playing sad music. No. No. No. No. No.

True Blood breaks our heart into a pile of gooey vampire puddingS

Pro: Tara and Pam are twinsies. Again. Yay!

Pro: Hoyt starts off pretty strong, informing Jess and Jason that he's leaving for Alaska. But then breaks down, and ends up firmly begging Jessica to glamour him and "make this go away." It's sad — even though Bill just tried to glamour Sookie the exact same way earlier in this season, this glamour job is infinitely more emotional. Because we loved Hoyt and Jessica. Because Hoyt and Jessica never had a dirt sex scene, or had to baby sit a man-child Vampire Viking in basketball shorts. We watched these two puppies stumble into their very first relationship, wet nose first. And like most first loves, it didn't work out. It was hard to watch, and when Jessica told Hoyt, "you're gonna make some girl the luckiest, happiest girl in the world. And she… she's going to be your first love. Not me. I'm fading away." I got choked up because I knew this was the end for Hoyt.

Con: Even though this is a beautiful scene, I'm sad to see Hoyt go. He was a really lovely character until this show decided to take a dump on him with the whole "pointing a gun at Jessica" moment. Personally, I'm just going to remember the wicked honesty these two kids delivered. From their first time, the flowers Hoyt put at Jessica's door, their breakup, make up and even the It was all very, honest. And this is a show where two ghost vampire gods just ghost killed each other. There was nowhere else for Hoyt to go, he had already bottomed out over and over again, and this was the corner he was painted into. He could come back, absolutely, and that would be wonderful. And if he does, I hope he's still wearing that shirt (the shirt he wore when he met Jessica). My only wish is that the rest of the relationships could be rooted in the same kind of reality that these two grew from.

True Blood breaks our heart into a pile of gooey vampire puddingS

Pro: Jason looks up the stuffed cat's animal dress.

Gif via Sally in the sky with diamonds.

True Blood breaks our heart into a pile of gooey vampire puddingS

Con: Oh right, more fairy stuff.

True Blood breaks our heart into a pile of gooey vampire puddingS

Pro: Lala cooks Andy and whats-her-face dinner. Adorable! Of course he can cook, is there anything Lafayette can't do!

True Blood breaks our heart into a pile of gooey vampire puddingS

Pro: Vampire Face Time! Fingers crossed Bill won't rub his new suck stink all over Jessica.

True Blood breaks our heart into a pile of gooey vampire puddingS

Pro: Russell is watching Steve on TV and talking to his dog, just like us!

Pro: Jason pulls over Hoyt, but he doesn't remember him. It becomes infinitely more clear why Hoyt was glamoured. True Blood wanted the audience to forgive Jason.

True Blood breaks our heart into a pile of gooey vampire puddingS

Pro: It works. *SOB*

Con: Bill starts to give Jessica a really boring lecture about vampire history. Because they haven't yet met their Vampire nonsense mumbojumbo quota yet.

Pro: Thankfully Jessica can smell bullshit, and tells Bill it all sounds a little too familiar. Jessica is now smarter than everyone in The Authority. Seriously when did Bill swing so wildly out of character? Between this speech and Eric's "forgiving Russell" act, I really hope these two are up to something.

Pro: Tara kills The Worst. Well done Tara! Did you notice that before Tara cuts off this terrible vampire sheriff's head he tells her to "ice her clam," like that's a thing. Ha ha, Congrats Tara!

True Blood breaks our heart into a pile of gooey vampire puddingS

Con: I do not understand this Pam hair.

Pro: Emma turns into a human, Steve claps at her like she just piddled all over the carpet. Aw ha ha. If I had a kid who could also turn into the puppy, I too would prefer the puppy. I mean look at it!

True Blood breaks our heart into a pile of gooey vampire puddingS

Pro: Russell is also frustrated with these countless vampire meetings in the vampire board room on the vampire laptops. Decides to take his fate into his own hands. Slips into his super hot ancient tongue. What were these vampire idiots thinking trying to contain all this sexy rage? Kill them all, Russell! Kill them all!

And that is where we end it. I've ignored the fact that Sookie has a blood contract to marry a vampire and Andy got a fairy pregnant for obvious reasons. I suspect this plot line will become much larger in the final episodes (holy Maenad-fisting cow, we're really close to the finale now).

Screencaps from Home of the Nutty.