Last night, True Blood's fifth season climaxed atop a pyramid of vampire intestinal goo. So many beloved characters met their true deaths, and we're actually pretty pissed about how some folks were written off. But on the plus side, this episode marked the return of "fun Eric!"
Let's break down the finale, Pro/Con style. Spoilers ahead...
Con: Keeping in the True Blood wheelhouse, we pick up right where last week's cliffhanger left off. And just like last week, and the week before that, and the week before that, the ridiculous cliffhanger is swiftly disposed of, with either death or a penis. Except this time, it's the death of Russell Edgington. The big bad is killed off before the titles. BEFORE. THE. TITLES.
This is the villain so epic, they brought him back for another season. The ancient creature who basically started the human vs. vampire war, with one quick spinal tug. And they kill him off before the titles! His last words were "fuuck." Unacceptable. The great and powerful Dennis O'Hare deserves better than this. It's just so easy, so quick, so thoughtless. His quick disposal feels so careless. He doesn't even get his vengeance. Rev. Steve and I had the same reaction. Gasp and flee. Except I had to eventually come back out of my bathroom of sadness and continue watching the show.
We all knew Russell was bound to meet the sharp end of a stick (he was wildly out of control by the end of this season) — but I just hoped it could have been bigger than this. What was the point of him drinking the Elder Fairy? What was the point of the fairy circus club? Why did we even have this fairy blast-off? Everything gets disposed of so swiftly, I think perhaps the only reason the fairies were in this season at all was to introduce Warlo and to put a ridiculous wrench in Andy's current relationship. Which definitely a good use for a floating invisible fairy sex circus.
Pro: During the light finger blast-off, Sookie stops and checks her fingers, making sure her light blast isn't faulty. Ha.
Pro: So Eric kills Russell, thus quenching his vampire vengeance thirst (because Russell killed off all of Eric's human family many moons ago). That's nice for Eric. But even better for us is that this death marks the return of funny/sexy/scary Eric. When Nora tries to eat Sookie, he's holding her back like a dog dangling in front of an air conditioner. Adorable. So if Sookie smells THAT good, how did she survive the Godric suicide bombing party? Seems like there's a lot more hype around Sookie's smell lately. Why didn't Jessica ever smell her? She smelled Claude pretty immediately. I get that they are by a whole crop of faes, so maybe that's why.
Pro: I don't remember a time in True Blood when Sam had pants.
Pro: Sam tries to talk sense to Bill, but instead Bill starts screaming and turns into a rage monster. In response Sam turns into a fly and makes Bill vampire zoom all over the the vampire conference room trying to catch him, like a vampire cat. This is a real thing that happened, on a show for people over 18. And it's not even the weirdest thing yet tonight.
Pro: Next thing we know, we're in Eric's basement, moving important vampire money and watching Tara load the travel coffins because it's going to be daytime soon, and Eric needs Sookie to drive to New Orleans to help save Bill (etc.) from The Authority. You kind of have to respect a show that will dedicate a whole scene to vampire packing (so there aren't any plot holes). But when it comes to the fairies, it's just like, "Eeeh, shoot light out of her vagina."
Pro: Nora is annoyed with Tara (who is being really annoying "These coffins suck, waah"). We feel you Nora... However, Eric points to Tara and calls her family. Ooh can next season be all about Eric and his tiny vampire family, that all have sex with each other?
Con: Why is Jason holding the honey? JESUS CHRIST, CAN HE TALK TO HIS PARENTS NOW?
Pro: Jason and Eric fight. Eric is back and super sassy! Eric calls Jason sweetie, it's delightful.
Con: Meanwhile, back at the vampire conference room where 95% of this season was set, Bill is giving a rousing speech to the troops. He starts it off with the classic fifth-grader speech day introduction, and explains what the word "breached" means. Truly, this is Bill's Saint Crispin's Day speech — listen with your ears subjects! Listen to the greatness!!!
"Do you know how many people want us dead? Well thanks for making it easier for them!"
Pro: Bill uses his big brain to trick Salome. He tell her that Lilith wants HER to be the chosen one, and he's totally cool with that. Tricky tricky!
Pro: Pam and Jessica catch the audience up on what's happening. Pam wasn't given hardly enough time this season. She got a little love in the beginning with her backstory, but not much actual real character building — I think we all could have done with a little more Pam. Kristin Bauer Van Straten really does have fantastic delivery and a wonderful look.
Pro: Heeeey, Alcide cooking me dinner in my mind and then promptly doing the dishes, rubbing my feet and violently ripping my jeans off.
Con: Remember 13 minutes ago, when Bill was jumping all over his room like a cat after a laser pointer? Now look at Alcide's fence. How does this work?
Con: Alcide's girlfriend, whom he quickly dumped at the first sign of wolf shame or whatever, is overdosing on Vampire Blood. Vampire blood OD-ing sounds extremely similar to when my neighbors have a little too much grappa. Funny story, if your neighbors ever invite you over to finish off this old bottle of grappa they found in a cabinet because they're moving. And it turns into "You look stressed, take your shoes off, get comfortable, do you maybe want to watch Wild Things? Not seriously, IRONICALLY, of course. It will be hilarious, here, we'll sit on the floor with you." Say no.
Pro: Sam has fly vision.
Pro: An excellent Jason-ism. "That train has already sailed."
Con:Jason is still seeing his parents. Is this a thing now? This is awful.
Pro: All I can think of during Alcide's girlfriend withdrawal is, you're getting blood all over the couch.
Pro: Fly vision reveals that at some point this season Steve and Russell got glamour shots with their new puppy. We need a copy of this!
Con: Sam stops back into the prison, again, to check in with Luna. That's two times we've spent in the naked cell. Seems... excessive.
Pro: Lala made Cajun margaritas, then there is a dance party. Alright alright alright.
Con: Oh my Goddess. Are we STILL saying that?
Pro: Jane Bodehouse is back! And great. We missed you lady!
Pro: MY LIGHT BROKE. OF COURSE IT DID. And of course it looks like this, and she eats salt.
Con: Bill and Salome boink, Bill does that really creepy "mid coitus stare down thrust move" where the recipient starts wondering if this person is thinking about having sex with you, or stabbing you to death with a knife attached to their penis. Trust me, it's a thing.
Pro: Eric is riding on top of the car. Ha! Excellent. Love the little "please" as well. Fun Eric is back, everyone!
Pro: The fairy birthing scene continues. And it's just more nonsense pilled atop more nonsense. Is this why this whole fairy sex plot happened? So someone could make a fairy light vagina and someone else could utter the words on television "my light broke!" And then we all watched a woman orgasm out a bunch of babies? If yes, then OK — I just want to know, because it doesn't look like the redheaded cowgirl from Toy Story is that pissed that Andy has four fairy babies now (sure she calls him a dick, but come on). Everyone actually seems super pleased with themselves.
Pro: I love that Arlene, Bodehouse and Lala are watching.
Con: The Vampire Receptionist is reading Marketing Basics. Why? Because they needed her to for the plot and this silly conversation. It didn't reveal that Steve was secretly Luna, it was literally just there for kicks. Strange weird Marketing Basics kicks.
Pro: Roz is back!
Pro: Andy's babies are all wearing Merlotte's T-Shirts.
Con: Alcide goes back and fights the pack master, does V and quickly snaps his neck. Which is good, as we we're all really invested in this story. Good fight, everybody!
Pro: Is that a sleeveless women's Henley?
Pro: Everytime Eric says someone is "mine" an orgasm gets its wings.
Con: Marketing Basics again.
Con: Roz is killed by Sam expanding into a real person inside her head. I hate that Roz is gone. Hate it. Sadly I feel partially responsible, since I asked for more Roz time, and in doing so damned her to death.
Gif via Victorian Hooker.
Pro: On the other hand, good job Luna, getting the word out to the public on the vampire Authority. And death by fly turning into a person while inside your mouth — yeah OK, I'll take that. To quote Lafayette, "I did not see that shit coming."
Gif by burymeinbooks.
Con: Bill checks his computer, Salome prays AGAIN... the secretary reads more from her Marketing book, there's entirely too much time being spent doing nothing in this finale.
Pro: I don't really understand why these two are attracted to each other.
Pro: Eric and Nora's vampire conference room wirework. Wow.
Pro/Con: Tara frees Pam, they kiss. I don't know. I'm happy for Pam, but I don't understand why these two are attracted to each other. The first time I saw any sort of real chemistry was right before they opened the doors and Tara told Pam her plan was better than Pam's. Which was a nice little look. I don't think I'm ready for Tara to have a relationship, everyone she dates sucks. I was really looking forward to seeing the Mother side to Pam.
We've seen sexy Pam, and mean Pam, and loving Pam (did you catch that look she shot Eric before she got in the elevator, aw). I wanted to see nurturing Pam. Ah well, I guess it will be weird sex with Tara in the basement Pam... sigh.
Pro: "I knew it." Jessica fan girling out over their kiss. Gah she's so precious.
Pro: Salome tries to drink all of Lilith's blood in the purple dress in the prayer room, gets interrupted by the assault. Goes into her room and changes into a white dress. Good thinking, Salome.
Con: Jessica tells Jason she loves him, and he rejects her swiftly and coldly. Someone take Jason to the hospital now, this concussion sucks.
Pro: Did anyone expect to see a wig in Salome's vampire remains?
Pro: Bill quotes the vampire bible (did anyone catch the name of that chapter, because I need to know what that jargon was) and tells Sookie and Eric that he is going to drink their blood so he doesn't have to be scared/feel like shit anymore. This is actually a very valid reason for silly old Bill. He still sucks, but we understand why he's trying to be something other than his apologetic, self loathing self for once.
Pro: Bill drinks all of Lilith and cry-vomits up mime paint and melts into a puddle. And there was a great outcry across the land, as Bill (who is currently taking the resident place of The Worst on True Blood) was thought to be dead.
Pro: Bill regenerates and comes out of his own blood like the T-1000.
Pro: Eric pushes Sookie back, swoon!
Pro: Praise Billith.
Image via commenter Hotpants McGee (THANK YOU!).
And there you have it. The end of the fifth season of Vampire Conference Room. This was an incredibly disjointed season. Even though a few plot lines wrapped into each other, nothing really made that much sense. We went from mainstreaming to fuck it, let's eat everyone! Why? Because people got high on vampire blood. The biggest disappointment this year? Russell and Meloni's deaths. Best moments? Every time Meloni was in the shot, Russell and Steve's new love, Steve becoming a vampire, Jessica and Jason's glamour goodbye to Hoyt (sigh) and the return of a better Eric.
What am I looking forward to next year? Eric's Vampire Family time. More sassy Lafayette, less stitched lips crying Lala. Girl needs a break, glad to see her getting her groove back by the end. What am I dreading? Blood dick shots from Billith walking around hissing like a cat naked in the conference room. Aw hell, I would welcome a bloody fake Bill bush, we had to deal with Lilith's all year, why not a man's? Fair is fair, right? It can't get anymore ridiculous than the table penis debacle, or can it? Fingers crossed, Jason miraculously stops seeing his parents next year.
Take care, bitches.
Screengrabs via Home of the Nutty.