Stoned Polish E.T. and twenty more insane old European movie posters

Back in the day, Eastern European posters for English-language science fiction films sometimes rearranged the movies' plots, jigsaw-style. For example, the Hungarian posters for the Star Wars trilogy transformed Darth Vader's helmet into an unusually nefarious bundt cake pan.

Stoned Polish E.T. and twenty more insane old European movie posters

So everyone put your swimming caps on (and Berlitz tapes in the microwave) because we're delving back into the psychedelic depths of international movie poster art. Let's begin with the utterly boss Hungarian poster for Alien. As you can see here, the xenomorph is some species of spacefaring bio-organic wereparrot.

Stoned Polish E.T. and twenty more insane old European movie posters

The Hungarian Aliens switches things up. Ripley is either traveling to LV-426 or competing in an intergalactic bowling tournament.

Stoned Polish E.T. and twenty more insane old European movie posters

The American ad campaign for Phase IV made no damn sense whatsoever — the Hungarian poster is just following suit.

Stoned Polish E.T. and twenty more insane old European movie posters

According to the Czech poster for Short Circuit, "Who's Johnny" is the question you hear milliseconds before you die.

Stoned Polish E.T. and twenty more insane old European movie posters

The Czech Temple of Doom was secretly located in the cover art for an Earth, Wind, and Fire album. Kali Ma Shakti de!

Stoned Polish E.T. and twenty more insane old European movie posters

"Jó napot! My name is Hungarian Jaws 2! Welcome to my movie poster!"

Stoned Polish E.T. and twenty more insane old European movie posters

Hungarian King Kong has come to New York with a singular goal — to penetrate an office building...with his own name.

Stoned Polish E.T. and twenty more insane old European movie posters

The Czech Terminator is kind of handsome, like the bastard offspring of Henry Rollins and an early Windows screensaver.

Stoned Polish E.T. and twenty more insane old European movie posters

Impossibly, the Polish poster for Big Trouble in Little China makes the film look boring.

Stoned Polish E.T. and twenty more insane old European movie posters

Ditto for Back To The Future. ("Ah, yes. The movie with the car in it. Let's see that.")

Stoned Polish E.T. and twenty more insane old European movie posters

On the other hand, Polish Gremlins looks like it was made by Gremlins, so mission accomplished.

Stoned Polish E.T. and twenty more insane old European movie posters

The Czech Omen is a hilarious Theodore Rex-esque cop comedy starring Gregory Peck and his mishap-prone partner, Microcephalic Satan.

Stoned Polish E.T. and twenty more insane old European movie posters

Why is Polish Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom sleeping?

Stoned Polish E.T. and twenty more insane old European movie posters

BECAUSE POLISH RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK WAS TOO FUCKING EXCITING! NAZI COBRA COATHANGER!

Stoned Polish E.T. and twenty more insane old European movie posters

Is there something worse than the German E.T. porn? Yes. POLISH E.T.'s LIPS.

Stoned Polish E.T. and twenty more insane old European movie posters

"I EAT SUBTLETY!" screams Turkish Jaws. (Note: Do not confuse him with Çöl, The Turkish Jaws).

Stoned Polish E.T. and twenty more insane old European movie posters

Hungarian Close Encounters of the Third Kind was live from Red Rocks.

Stoned Polish E.T. and twenty more insane old European movie posters

Turkish RoboCop included a sensual scene where Murphy and Red from That 70s Show engage in the only dance that is forbidden in Detroit.

Stoned Polish E.T. and twenty more insane old European movie posters

Polish Jaws 2 would make a fantastic Doublemint commerical.

Stoned Polish E.T. and twenty more insane old European movie posters

Well, this is definitely the poster for Polish Willow.

Stoned Polish E.T. and twenty more insane old European movie posters

Close us out, Polish Witches of Eastwick.


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- The most misleading science fiction movie posters ever
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- Polish and Czech Godzilla
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- Alien, as told by a child who never saw Alien

[Via Budapest Poster, Polish Poster, Eat Brie, and the always fantastic Monster Brains]