We here at io9 love a good mind-melting martial arts battle between ninjas, kung fu masters, or two perplexed extras who have no self-defense training whatsoever.
And over the years, a hearty 98% of our daily coverage has been devoted to finding the weirdest, most reality-defying fisticuffs ever dreamt up. For posterity's sake, we've amassed all these wondrous fights, ninjutsus, and forbidden techniques in one article. You probably shouldn't watch these clips all in one sitting, lest your brain starts leaking out of your ears.
(A metric ton of appreciation and thanks goes out to Sardonicus1313, who has been an invaluable ally in tracking down the best of the zany. Also, special shout-out goes out to Riki-Oh, which we've discussed recently. Also, Ninja Terminator, for simply being Ninja Terminator.)
1. Kung Fu From Beyond The Grave — Dracula Summoning
Yes, there is a martial arts maneuver to summon Count Dracula. It is the only one you'll ever need.
2. Shaolin Popeye — Death Farting
I've never seen Shaolin Popeye, but this power alone makes him/his son/whoever this kid is better than the American Popeye and his spinach steroids. This sophisticated drama also featured a scene of fishing with one's doodle.
3. The Crippled Masters — Bionic Friends
This is like Master Blaster, but a thousand times better.
4. Magic of Spell —????
This batshit Taiwanese fantasy flick defies description, so I won't even attempt a synopsis. Press play and turn off your brain. Watch the whole thing here.
5. Buddha's Palm — Acid Pimple
With the proper training (and by always wearing a facial mask of chicken grease and avocado butter), you too can turn the sebaceous gunk clogging your pores into a deadly weapon.
6. Magic of Spell — Laser Peach
A giant levitating peach that shoots lasers? Now that's what I call tangible plotting.
7. Blowgun Magic
I think this is from some movie called Peach Kid (or maybe a sequel of Magic of Spell). In any case, you can watch the whole film here (I think).
8. Ninja Wars — Female Head-Switching
In this sequence, five wicked ninja switch a female ninja's head with that of the governess' in some icky ploy to restore her virginity. Watch it here.
9. Jade Dagger Ninja — Super Hair Growing Murder Power
This fellow grows a full demon haircut in 10 seconds and pummels the guts out of some dudes.
10. Kung Fu Wonder Child — Vampire Children
What's worse than a hopping Chinese vampire? A pair of Chinese vampire toddlers. For more Jiang Shi insanity, check out The Gods Must Be Crazy 3 (of all movies).
11. Holy Weapon — Exploding Bird Men + Super Strength
Another fine, indescribable battle that defies comprehension.
12. The Battle Wizard — Gorilla Fighting + Frog-Eating
This is on par with Magic of Spell. Don't think too hard about what you're watching.
13. Holy Weapon — Spider Seduction Magic
Lady turns into giant spider, eviscerates a bunch of dudes. The subtitles are amazing.
14. How do you defeat the kung fu land canoe? With the human go-cart, of course.
15. We've changed our mind. Always end your movie with breast lasers.
17. To cross the paper bridge, you must chop off your legs!
18. No kung fu movie is complete without a watermelon monster.
21. Beware the ninja vagina bubble! (There's more, including ninja baby magic, at this link.)
24. Popeye and Bruce Lee go to Hell, fight mummies. (Read more here.)
25. The exploding fish grenade (and hula hoop of war)!
26. The dreaded stilt woman!