It's the attack of the feral, naked men on Haven

Haven has dealt with more than its fair share of bizarre plagues, and this week, the Troubled town contends with the invasion of the bodies, the naked, mostly male, feral human bodies. While Audrey and the crew scramble around town trying to figure out the Trouble that's responsible for all this exposed flesh, they continue to explore the mystery of the Colorado Kid. Plus, Audrey gets a new lady fan. Spoilers ahead.

Since we're just starting up Haven recaps this week, here's what we missed on last week's season premiere: Audrey Parker was kidnapped by a shadowy figure who revealed that, back when she was Lucy, Audrey loved the Colorado Kid. Wondering if the Colorado Kid might still be alive, the Troubleshooters dig up his grave and find that the coffin is filled with bricks. Scrawled on the lid in Audrey's handwriting is the message, "Find him before the Hunter." In this week's episode, Duke scolds Audrey for leaving herself such a cryptic message. She tries to defend herself, saying she must have been in a hurry, but I'm with Duke here. A lady who gets her mind wiped this often should be better at leaving herself messages. In fact, Audrey should probably get on that now.

This week we open with a convenience store clerk happening upon a naked guy snarfing down snacks in the chip aisle. The clerk snarks, "You know son, back in my day, we could have fun without the crystal mescaline," while trying to chase the fellow off with a bat. But when naked guy lets out a guttural roar (and turns out to be wearing a leash and collar), the clerk decides it's time to call in the police.

It's the attack of the feral, naked men on Haven

So what's up this time? Has someone lost their pet zombie? Did a Trouble manifest itself during fetish night at the local dance hall? Audrey and Nathan head to a local farm and discover a pile of naked white people heaped up in one of the barns. Duke spots another naked fellow ("out of a Bowflex ad") eating raw fish on the pier and cons Dwight into wrestling the man-beast into his truck. It's only when the jacked-up naked guy's blood touches Duke and Duke doesn't go all spooky eyes that they realize that the naked folks aren't the Troubled. Okay, I don't live in Haven, but I could have told you that, unless that was a naked pile of siblings and cousins back there that no one in town happens to recognize.

No, when Audrey and Nathan inspect animal control after learning there is dog tranquilizer in one naked guy's system, they realize the truth: all of these naked people were dogs who were being kept at animal control until they magically transformed into humans. Now they have opposable thumbs and are capable of using tools and opening doors, but they don't have much else in the way of reason. They can't figure out how to communicate with humans, but they can manage to pull on clothes, since that makes them easier to film without pixelating half the episode. And most of these dogs aren't the Man's-Best-Friend-type; they're feral dogs, caught from the woods. Judging from the number of dogs who go right for the jugular (in one case, literally), Haven isn't just Troubled; it has a serious dog bite problem.

It's the attack of the feral, naked men on Haven

So here's what Haven gave us in the way of dog-human gags:
• A naked dude in a dog collar
• A guy behaving for a cookie
• Haven's anthropomorphized dogs killing the town dog catcher—with a hammer
• A naked dude in an Elizabethan collar sprinting down the street

Here's what I would have liked to have seen:
• A dog-man lifting his leg to pee
• Dog-men chewing their shoes instead of wearing them
• Wiggling and/or sniffing butts
• Dog-men being placated by tennis balls or squeaky toys
• Someone noticing that some of these naked men are sans testicles. Surely someone in Haven believes in neutering.
• All of the peanut butter in Haven mysteriously disappearing

While all of this is going on, we meet Dr. Claire Callahan, the latest of Audrey Parker's many admirers. But Dr. Claire doesn't want to get into Audrey's heart; she wants into her head. Dr. Claire is Audrey's department-required psychiatrist following her recent kidnapping. Tough chick Audrey naturally doesn't want to get all touchy-feely with talk therapy, but thanks to Dr. Claire's terrible sense of doctor-patient confidentiality, Audrey comes to realize that Claire cares just as much about the Troubled as Audrey does herself.

Getting back to the naked dog-men, it turns out that one Tor Magnusson is our Troubled for this episode. Tor always resented his son's pooch, Jesse, and never got him his rabies vaccine. When Jesse became rabid, Tor took him to animal control to have him put down. That's when Tor's trouble manifested; whenever someone in his family tries to kill an animal, it becomes a man. Jesse, who is considerably less dangerous as a rabid man than he would have been as a rabid dog, steals his beloved child away. Dr. Claire speculates that Jesse became a man because Tor treated him like an animal, and that Jesse will become a dog again when Tor treats him like a man. Sure enough, one weepy apology later, Jesse and the rest of the dogs have returned to dog form, although Jesse has succumbed to his rabies. Probably for the best since he likely would have attacked Tor as a rabid dog, apology or no apology.

The dog-man Audrey had been feeding cookies to is back to being a bandana-wearing pup, and he manages to find Tor's son. Happy endings all around. Audrey decides to adopt the dog-man-dog, whom she's named "Cookie," until Duke tells her the truth about "the Hunter." It's a recurring meteor shower, and during the last one, Lucy disappeared. The next Hunter is in just two months, so Audrey shouldn't go making any long-term plans. Audrey gives her dog over to Tor and son, and Nathan, still pining for Audrey, wonders aloud why she changed her mind. Without looking at him, she says, "It just wouldn't have worked out." Subtle.

In other "Why do people still live in Haven" news, the Teagues brothers have discovered something nasty about the guy who kidnapped Audrey: he's killing people with a bolt gun, a tool for killing livestock. Jinkies, a rather disturbing clue.